Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Place Of Yes

This next book was written by someone who branded herself a name on her terms. We all know her from being one of 'The Real Housewives Of NY' and the author of such books as 'Naturally Thin' and the original creator of the 'SkinnyGirl' margarita. From her own words, as if she is LITERALLY on the page, here is the story and steps used of how to make your life fit for you. From the new talk show host herself, here is the story of the one & only classic, Bethenny Frankel.

The first thing Bethenny explains about A Place Of Yes is that it's a way to get through things when you feel it's impossible. You stop being a being a victim and start being the ruler of your own destiny. That is the point and purpose of coming from a place of yes. When you mentally feel it can't be done, you find your place of yes.

The first step towards a place of yes is to let go of the noise. The noise is what you hear from what others think and break the chain, which is what you carry w/ you from your childhood which stunts you.

To being, Bethenny's childhood consisted at times colorful, exciting and sometimes dangerous. But most of the time it was lonely, frustrating & sad. Everyone has their own definition of "normal". For her it was calling the police on her mom and stepfather to stop fighting. It was attending multiple schools due to her parents not remaining grounded. For Bethenny it was partying in clubs and crashing cars at 14 - prior to a driver's license. Bethenny describes her mother as a "wild card". One minute she was a best friend, the next minute she was out of control. She became a mother before she became an adult.

Bethenny Frankel was born in 1970 on her mothers 20TH birthday in Queens, NY. Bethenny's mom was smart, sassy, talented, sarcastic, ballsy, opinionated & a fighter. (Sound familiar - because many of the attributes Bethenny takes after come from her). One thing Bethenny feared to become was her own mother. With her own relationships and multiple marriages, it was something that has haunted Bethenny. The most important thing her mom gave her was an image w/ a star above her daughter's hair. The other part was that Bethenny's mother also showed her daughter is forgetting about her when times were tough, going out to parties, going to war w/ whatever man supports you.

Something I/Jeremy can agree with is a parent that a parent still doesn't see things for what happened. Bethenny's maternal grandfather, her father & stepfather were all horse trainers. With her mom, Bethenny was never sure which side she was going to get. Bethenny's mom would choose men she needed to save her, but also abuse her. Enforcing her daughter "NEVER be dependent on a man". Despite the volatility, Bethenny's mom was just a tortured soul who couldn't get her life the way she wanted. Many of Bethenny's happy childhood memories were about food.

Bethenny at times felt sabotaged by her mom due to being obsessed with being thin. She wanted to be like her mom. Being an only child now is the reason why Bethenny has been more comfortable being by herself. Her mom could be the life of the party, but also volitle. One thing Bethenny states is: Children are smart no matter what adults try to hide. Bethenny, thanks to her mom's influence, began a small stint with wanting to be thin, but has later learned to be more healthier. Breaking The Chain. With her mom and step dad  almost every meal consisted of a restaurant. Thanks to her mom, it could be just as humiliating. Her mom was one dubbed today as a "cool/party" mom. For Bethenny there was NO structure, discipline or guidance. BREAK THE CHAIN, YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENT. YOU ARE YOUR OWN PARENT!

When it came to her dad, who was a Hall Of Fame horse trainer, all Bethenny seen was a man who saw more care to his horses & dogs than her did people. Bethenny's father, Robert Frankel, was a character who surrounded himself w/ other characters. He had a sleazy streak and because of that it became something Bethenny notices in men. After her parents divorce, Bethenny stated she felt like the rope in a tug-of-war.
Bethenny's mom couldn't really support her daughter. As a successful horse trainer, her dad had those means. Her refused to pay for Bethenny unless she lived w/ him. So she left her mom and lived with her dad in CA.

Even though Bethenny was w/ her dad, she was still in the care of torturous babysitters. She would call her mom so many times crying, wanting her mommy, begging for her to come and get her. When her mom yanked Bethenny away from her dad, it changed the course of her life and Bethenny didn't hear from her dad for years. Bethenny also states why she thinks her money noise comes from her mom. From that specific incident specified, Bethenny states that her dad shut her down on that day and it was never the same. Because of the hard damage her mom did in the relationship w/ her dad, Bethenny states that may have been what permanently damaged their relationship. If they would've ever had had a chance for a relationship  her dad giving up on Bethenny irreversibly changed it.

Remember this: A throwaway comment or spur-of-the-moment decision made in anger or thoughtlessness could still have an impact many years later. In the end, Bethenny really didn't know her dad except from her mom's negativity. She felt a struggle between the time w/ dad and her relationship w/ her stepfather. For Bethenny she felt that her dad wanting the Triple Crown was more important than his daughter. Bethenny initially realized that her own success and independence liberated her from her dad. Bethenny put in the work, did it and made it w/o him. Coming from a place of yes, Bethenny can see from her own dad, the kind of parent she wanted for her own daughter - the exact opposite of what she got.

When Bethenny's father died, he died without ever being sorry. Bethenny did forgive him so she could move on, but he died w/ Bethenny knowing if he loved her AT ALL! Bethenny did go through a range of emotion the day he died. He spent his life alone. Sometimes you are left w/ the aftermath, but it doesn't have to define you.  Bethenny did manage w/ her dad's death to break the chain.

John, Bethenny's stepfather, was a gambler. Bethenny lived an unbalanced life. One minute it's limos, the next they'd be broke. That experience taught Bethenny how to survive and go w/ whatever's happening. Bethenny was really grateful to have John around. He was there for her more than her real parents. Of them all, John was the one who came from a place of yes. When her mother would be gone, it was John who was there for Bethenny.

When Bethenny was 13, she was learning how to gamble at Ceaser's Palace. It was a high-rollers lifestyle. After the horse races, Bethenny would be w/ jockeys afterward and just love the atmosphere. Bethenny discovered that she had a special talent for cooking and entertaining. She could pull it together and make thing happen.

After John had left after Bethenny's mom betrayed him, Bethenny tried to contact her own dad, Robert, and take his name again. When she did that, he wanted nothing to do w/ her because he had cancer, that was why he couldn't be a father. Bethenny would keep trying every few years, but was always cool & dismissive. Bethenny always wanted her parents love, but there was always a price for it. Even though Bethenny lost both of her fathers, walking away feeling like she didn't have one at all.

When Bethenny had her daughter, Bryn, she seen life in a different lens. She seen her parents differently. How they were hurt, why they screwed up, where they came from and how their noise got in their way. So she became softened and less angry. Here is a message to reflect on: Instead of letting the negative parts of your childhood drag you down, spit you out and become a carbon copy of your parents, let them transform you and become who you want to be. BREAK THE CHAIN! 

Relationships get you to a new place and can see help you see what you don't want as well as what you really do want.  (For ex. - when you are w/ someone, no matter the relation, and all they want is to get something from you - then your next contact help you to weed that part out to not have to go through this again - as something to watch out for.)

When/If your are in a relationship, examine your relationship noise. BE AWARE! Relationship noise can make you want things that aren't right for you. It can exploit your vulnerability and take advantage of your insecurity. Coming from a place of yes means you can take your past, turn it around and make it work for you to know what you're looking for.

Bethenny and  her dog, Cookie
The experience that Bethenny shared from being married to her first husband, Peter, showed her that being married at 26, fearing to be too old unless she married, made Bethenny fearful that she would never have the chance. Bethenny married Peter but felt it was from her place of truth. Coming from a place of yes, Bethenny KNEW it just wasn't right. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! At some point in your relationship are you going to choose it to be torture to work at or make it an easy one?

Throughout boyfriends, Bethenny kept looking for someone to take care of her. It was like she wanted a boyfriend. She thought she needed one. After a relationship that didn't really work out, the best thing Bethenny found was her dog, Cookie. When Bethenny regrouped herself after that relationship, she enrolled in culinary school. Ultimately it led her to a new career and a new life.

Bethenny did go back to one relationship she thought was comfortable and familiar thinking things would change. One thing was for sure: A reality check was imminent. After turning down several of his proposals, Bethenny finally accepted. It was the beginning of the end.  He never really believed that Bethenny would say yes. She was hurt because he didn't really want her. It was a shell-shock for both. Six days later, he came back and proposed again. Suddenly everything was underway. Then Bethenny's panic button went off. This time it was about Bethenny and her emotional baggage. She felt she still had something to prove.

You need to realize that IT'S OKAY to end the relationship you feel isn't right. The relationship ends/ended for a reason. When a breakup happens/relationship ends, what better time to get reacquainted w/ who you are. Focus on yourself. (Unless you are someone that overly loves themselves). You'll find out who you TRULY are and what you're TRULY looking for. What Bethenny found was that if she could make her own money, no dependency on others then maybe she could get past her money noise and not become her mother.

One thing about relationships, TALK ABOUT YOUR FINANCIAL PARTS & what you bring to the table. If not, don't talk about it and let the relationship end. It will anyway if you DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! Never mind how it makes you look, at least you've said your peace.

It was about this time Bethenny was learning the ropes and trying to market herself  as a personal chef to celebrities. Bethenny's photographer boyfriend at the time was trying to help her get her face out there. Even though she was dating this guy, their lives were in DIFFERENT directions. You have to be able to fit together! Coming from a place of yes, Bethenny felt she seen herself doing more than settling down. She was on the verge of doing something bigger and needed a partner to go there with her. To her, it was him wanting her to settle. So, Bethenny ended it with Jason #1.

Jason, Bethenny's husband, proved to her that sometimes what seems like too late is right on time because you are only just ready. Bethenny recounts the time in which she met her husband and the way they got together. When she could admit that they did love each other, Bethenny said yes to herself, opening the door for her to say yes to him. The timing was right in every way. Jason won Bethenny over just by being who he is. Jason gives Bethenny what she's wanted ALL ALONG: Emotional Support. Don't worry about finding a boyfriend/partner, but someone you can be your TRUTHFUL SELF.

When Bethenny first moved to LA, she attended bartending school. When you being taking the first steps, you don't realize where it could turn out later. Sometimes you can work and achieve success later in life. Ever since Bethenny was young, she knew that being a performer was something she was destined for. Bethenny didn't really know much. When she was at N.Y.U., Bethenny did take some theater classes. But she kept waiting for something to happen. Finally something did.

Bethenny and Saved By The Bell
Bethenny was 19 and late for a flight. When she almost missed her seat, as luck would have it, she sat next to a producer of 'Saved By The Bell'. After chatting, he thought that Bethenny had potential and he thought a position was open for a production assistant. Even though it was only an opportunity, she acted on it. It was a temporary job as an errand girl pretty much. Bethenny loved any minute of it. She soaked up every minute she could. Bethenny was 19 w/ ALOT to learn. When Bethenny auditioned for the spin-off show 'California Dreams' after talking a producer into an audition for her, she completely choked.  At least she tried and acted on it. As soon as Bethenny graduated from NYU, she moved straight to Los Angeles.

When a casting director for the LEGENDARY (late) Aaron Spelling told Bethenny she needed to lose weight due to not being skinny enough, it fed straight into her obsession w/ dieting. It ended up changing Bethenny's career path from acting to eating NO FAT. (Talk about Food Noise). She tried EVERY diet and meal plan known. Bethenny did a small stint on the soap opera 'Santa Barbra', in which she received her SAG card. Here is a GREAT motto: Don't complain, don't explain. During this time, Bethenny took other jobs that were more rewarding and interesting than acting.

Bethenny worked at the La Scala in Beverly Hills as a hostess. Working there gave Bethenny connections including personal assistants for some. After a few years, acting wasn't what she envisioned and she enjoyed these other jobs more than acting. It just wasn't the right career for her. The problem was that she just couldn't get to that place and make the character her own. She only knew how to be Bethenny Frankel.

Bethenny was beginning to feel that acting wasn't for her. She could be great at something else. The acting thing, fearing that she'll never become successful; Bethenny wasn't coming from a place of yes. So she quit acting and married her boyfriend, Peter, got a real job in event planning. Sometimes you just have to be realistic and honest w/ yourself. Act on it to where you look at it w/ should-a, could-a & would-a's.

When you are working on your passion and acting on it, one part of it is that, but the other part is to make it yours.  Let your job performance be your resume. Let the quality shine through more than it's title. Making everything your business means treating everything you do as if it were essential part of your business. It also has a bad side to this: Knowing when enough  is enough to take on. While some are working, slaving away without gratitude/appreciation, you begin to act like the job was forced on you. When you come from a place of yes and take pride in your work as well as remembering where you came from, you try harder and appreciate success when it comes. The point of this next story is precisely what Bethenny describes in her book by saying: Everything's Your Business. You give it your all with a place of yes attitude.Something I can PERSONALLY relate to! When I/Jeremy Carroll was 15-yrs-old I was put on hemodialysis at an adult unit (long story), I would arrive hours before my treatment time which was to begin at 10:30A. I would arrive at 9:00 or earlier. I would be so bored that I would just go around and ask for something to do. I would run around and volunteer. I would run errands, get coffee, anything they wanted me to do (within reason). I would continuously do that every treatment. Pretty soon after, staff members would just give me something to do. It just grew from there. After awhile everyone knew me and that was what I became known for at the hospital in which I receive treatment. Even today, some still ask me to do certain things b/c that is, besides being a patient, what people know/knew me for. I went completely outside the box by making myself stand out as a volunteer. I was NOT a "normal" volunteer. So when you are at your job, don't look at it as just that, make EVERYTHING YOUR BUSINESS! 

The purpose of the Skinnygirl brand became Bethenny's purpose in her career. The Skinnygirl is the girl you all want to be, whether the size is 2 or 12. The girl that loves herself and her life.The Skinnygirl name originated from her first book, 'Naturally Thin'. A margarita, something perfect for the health conscious that still wants to have fun. Bethenny nailed down a formula & gave it that name. She bottled it and the brand was born.

Don't think she didn't work hard to get this created. Bethenny REALLY HAD TO POUND THE PAVEMENT! LITERALLY had to start from ground-level. When people began to see her concept, many of them offered to buy her out. Other products from Bethenny were all formed just by doing them in your specified time and your specified place. KNOW WHAT YOU STAND FOR AND MAKE IT MATTER.

Bethenny thought she would be good at event production. She convinced a company for an interview. Based on what little experience she had, they hired her. Her first event was for a movie premiere party for Disney. Considering she really didn't know what she was doing, she had to go from conception-to-completion. Bethenny had NEVER done ANY of this BEFORE, but she pulled it off! Bethenny took a gamble, won & found her calling.

Bethenny found a comfort zone and really picked up speed. After awhile she wanted to move on and start her own company, In Any Event. Eventually things ended w/ the company due to financial aspects in the back. LIVE & LEARN. There were some jobs that Bethenny had taken that didn't end well. There was no room to grow or learn. The point is to LOVE what you do. You have to build on what works in a rational way. Make it your business and NEVER gamble w/ more than you're willing to lose.

Bethenny, at the time, was in a bad place. She needed to be doing something and didn't know what. So, she enrolled in a chef's training program. It offered a program that combines health & food. So, Bethenny decided to give it a try. She soon gave it her all.  She made it her business. Bethenny was in her element.  She emerged as a leader and was soon finding herself. She would drive her teachers crazy. She was a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants chef. She had to learn to be precise.

Bethenny graduated w/ flying colors. After that, she got a job managing a small chain of vegan restaurants. She cultivated a small celebrity clientele that loved her food. When the restaurant was closing, Bethenny came from a place of yes and started her own business. She worked her recipes and was soon on to something. Everyone loved her cookies. Everyone would say 'Bethenny Bakes'. After finding a space, Bethenny was baking 400 cookies a day and hanging on by her fingernails.

With Bethenny's luck in cars, it may have appeared to be shitty, but at least she wasn't hung up on it and showed pride in what she could use. (At least she was grateful to have a car.) The cookies started out great but were later shitty thanks to the humidity in a hot car. It was hell. Bethenny would keep putting money out w/ none coming in. Even w/ her pride, the cookies began to crumble. 'Bethenny Bakes' in the end was an epic failure and a great learning experience.

When Bethenny began taking her cookies to a big, national foods trade show. That same week, Bethenny heard about deadlines for an application for a new show called 'The Apprentice'. It was thanks to her experience at 'Bethenny Bakes' that allowed her to show her entrepreneurial skills. Taking her career to the next level. After the failure of  'Bethenny Bakes' she felt she was going nowhere. When Bethenny was out w/ friends, she had heard about the new show, 'The Apprentice'. The show seemed to stand for everything Bethenny loved about business. After her meeting w/ the producers and then about a month later, Bethenny got the call. The producers liked her and wanted more.

After the testing to be considered, Bethenny was chosen to be a first alternate. When she was given her exit, Bethenny thought it would still lead somewhere. MONTHS later, she received a call about doing a Martha Stewart version of this show. They wanted Bethenny to try out for it. Bethenny thought it was fit for her. (When one door closes, another one opens) Bethenny was ready to jump at this opportunity. She knew she could do this. Bethenny was NOTHING BUT her no-nonsense self. She went for it with everything she had. She learned that through this experience on the show to know what you can and can't do, know what you need to maintain your endurance.

Even though Bethenny did not win Martha Stewart's Apprentice and was runner-up, she was a bit relieved. Her real pay-off from the show was the experience from reality TV she gained. Bethenny stated that in the end, even though she got to know the REAL Martha, she learned what kind of businesswoman she wanted to be. Not an heir to someone's empire, but a businesswoman on her terms and on her own making.

Bethenny goes into something I personally live by and ALWAYS haveSeparate From The Pack. (Considering my life and my experiences this was something that just came NATURALLY and I HAVE ALWAYS LIVED BY my entire lifetime.) About a year after Martha Stewart's Apprentice, Bethenny was dating a celebrity photographer. She seen that as an opportunity to brush elbows w/ celebrities and others. She used that to rescue 'Bethenny Bakes' and to get other jobs. She did her best to get out in the public and get her name out there. Little-by-little over a few years, Bethenny raised her profile and got a publicist. She got small hits here and there.

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In 2007, Bethenny went to the Hamptons and her life changed forever. It was hot. Bethenny had a headache. Through her boyfriend, Jason #1, Bethenny met Jill Zarin. Jill told Bethenny of her being on a new Bravo show, Manhattan Moms. Bobby brought a producer over to met Bethenny. After conflicting her options, when Bethenny made the decision to say 'Yes' it was the best decision she ever made. A cast mate on the show called it 'The Real Housewives Of  NYC'. Bethenny would use the show for an opportunity. When she first began filming, Bethenny only had $8,000 to her name. She couldn't pay rent. She shopped on E-Bay. This whole thing in which she was embarking on  .      .      .  it just wasn't her life.

Because of the conscious way not to get sucked into becoming a "Housewife" and maintaining her integrity by not adapting their lifestyles, Bethenny was free to be just herself. Because she was everything that the Housewives weren't, Bethenny was the one that was the most relatable. She would get a flood of communication from others saying they could relate to her by what they seen on the show. During season 2, Bethenny really was treating the show as a business w/ Bravo and forging a strong relationship w/ the network. (I help you, you help me) They did by giving her her own show.

Doing season 3 gave Bethenny doubts due to the insane roller coaster. Even though she agreed to stay, Bethenny felt a tinge of regret. Even w/ 2 books out, beginning to film her own show and a thriving career, Bethenny felt her castmates were turning on her. It began to have a weird atmosphere. Housewives was a great run. Bethenny is GRATEFUL to Bravo for the experience. It was just time to move on! In any situation, no matter what it is, the best way to move on is to own it. If you've done wrong, it's okay -as long as you just own it! You can move on after that. Bethenny did have an opportunity to see herself coming from her own show, Bethenny Getting Married? Her show was one that regular people experienced  everyday. It was REAL!

Being who you are, figuring out how and making it work and owning it is what Bethenny Getting Married? was all about. The show is her life and the people who are in it: Jason, Bryn, her assistant Julie & Cookie, her dog. When it came to marrying Jason, Bethenny had ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT about it. Jason Hoppy is the man she wanted to be with. Bethenny was so grateful and sentimental.  When it came to birth and motherhood, BOTH Bethenny and Jason DIDN'T KNOW A THING about what was in store.

Having her daughter, Bryn, life wasn't the same. It was a whole new universe. They are raising a daughter. Bethenny is in a calmer, happier place and very much moving forward. Coming together and owning it! Bethenny brings up an entire new point: Coming Together. That means attempting, learning & getting better at understanding others, rather than criticizing them. Everyone has their own normal as w/ every family does too! THAT"S THE TRUTH!! You have to find your own normal because there is no objective kind. When you come together, of course they'll be conflict, but choose, accept, adapt. That's coming together.

Look at it another way (this is something I see personally from seeing one "relationship" all the time) If you don't deal w/ your differences  in the beginning, the cracks in the foundation of your relationship will crack until you have crumbles. When it comes to Bryn, it's not just mother and daughter with a few specks of Jason here & there. It's a team. A family doing it all together. It's their place of yes. Bethenny feels that she has come full circle. From the child of an absent father to the husband of a wife who is present every day. From the daughter of a troubled mother to the mother of a beautiful daughter. As a mother, Bethenny feels free to remarkably be herself. (Love Can Build A Bridge)

Katherine Hepburn
The last piece of advice from Bethenny is simply: Celebrate! Celebrate your milestones and achievements. Be happy and celebrate. It's impossible to do without gratitude and perspective. Make happiness part of your business. Katherine Hepburn said it best: "If you obey the rules, you miss all the fun." That quote is something I can personally attest to! "Make the most of every moment and have fun with it."

Since this book's publication, Bethenny, along with being an author, chef, reality star, wife & mother, she can add another title onto her resume: talk show host. As of this year, 2012, Bethenny has currently been working on her new daytime talk show, 'Bethenny', that premiered in the fall.


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