For starters, Val was one who he/himself is raw and reflective as he weaved poetry into prose. He was literary obsessive, who admired the likes of Mark Twain, Walt Whitman and Samuel Beckett. Rather than a carefully curated memoir, Val gives a scatterbrained journey into a focal viewpoint of his own headspaces. A journey of a man who played by his own rules, and earning his legendary status along the way. The pinball machine of Val's mind has twists and turns where authenticity meets lives with eccentricity. Where does Val decide to go first?
A few years back, Val had discovered a lump in his throat that turned out to become cancerous. Cher, herself, couldn't have been more endearing and caring. Like millions of other Americans in the world, Val had been affected by the financial crisis of 2008. He was forced to sell his home and rent a cottage on the Malibu coast. After his ongoing challenges with breathing, Cher suggested and offered for him to stay in her guesthouse. Those who've seen Cher's profile in Architectural Digest, only Cher had the chutzpuh to re-create the glory of the Italian Renaissance in Southern California. With the love and welcoming atmosphere that filled her home made her guest quarters acceptable and loved. So, Val accepted!
Cher had a knack for finding poetry and truth. She is a blazingly fast thinker and the best company. They discussed everything from politics-to-poetry. Poetry always calmed Val's soul, consuming it and creating it. One morning, Val was reading Baudelaure and listened to the waves crash. Val fell in love with the line, "The inaccessible blue of spiritual heavens." from the poem "Spiritual Dawn". He was awake since dawn. Cher invited him to the patio for lunch. The ocean was imbued with a strange blue. Cher was chatty. Val was relaxing/chilling out. Cher had dipped out for afternoon errands. As the night fell on, Val fell asleep. Suddenly Val woke up vomiting blood that covered the bed. He immediately began praying, began calling 911. Then, he called out for Cher, his hostess.
Cher stepped UP and in, and stilled her renowned spirits. And yet, in his grave condition, Cher spotted, watched, and scanned the paramedic. Despite Val's blood-spattered state, he could tell and caught her eye the looks of this paramedic. Cher was bashful to be busted, but couldn't help but laugh out loud at Val's facial expressions at her, and the audacity of the situation. So, here they were, joking about beauty/desire, while Val was in the middle of his medical state he was in. While Val's life seemed to be in mortal danger, he and Cher had telepathy, and her words failed her. A rarity. They both laughed out loud at the situation before they finished Val's vitals and shut him up with an oxygen mask.
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It was a step along the path of gnarly throat challenges, Val's tongue was swollen with bleached lymph passages, ultimately resulting in 2 tracheotomies and more than one Italian moment. The cancer miraculously healed much faster than many doctors predicted. It took time, and took a toll.
Val began with a memory that further explained his current condition and further quiets natural curiosity. When Val spoke in later years, he spoke like Marlon Brando after a couple bottles of tequila. There wasn't a frog in his throat. It felt more like a buffalo. It was difficult for others to understand exactly what Val was saying. He was steadily healing, but so far. . .so slow. Speaking, therein of itself, had become an hourly struggle. Val's instrument, for which he was able to master, had soon been taken out of his own control.
Val is a storyteller who was stripped of his primary tool. So, he focused on listening and is eternally grateful for the habit of a prayer, and for the ability of its healing that Val had developed since childhood. He was weighed down with worry and physical pain. As far as writing goes, Val writes for relief. Writing for healing. Writes to view the post more clearly and place himself firmly in the center of love. He wished to get his stay out as quickly as possible, but mostly he wrote to the feeling Val got was understandable in words what the world had shared with him.
Beginning with his writing environment perched in the mysterious Hollywood Hills, originated in 1923, the year that Val's father was born in the dusty panhandle of TX. As Val looked out the window of his Hollywood Hills home turn from blue to misty gold, on starlit nights, Val heard melodious sounds waddling through the air from neighboring parties. Due to the original vision built for his 1923 home, Val was a man on a mission. The mission is healing. Val may have had his problems with variety. But at this point, he steered from vanity to honesty. Honesty is born from pure love, Val had to go through the fires of hell to get to the divide'd of love indeed.
Val had no doubt that his recent illness stripped him of professional opportunities that didn't have a there there. The universe's rejection is the universe's protection. When the physical aspect of Val's abilities were stripped from him; he was able to shift more over to the spirituality. When one senses weakness, another grows strong. Val was able to playfully excuse his mind into the metaphysical forest. So, Val substituted the physical thrill he could no longer do in the mental-death-defying stories. The hole in his throat, the fattiness that emploded Val's tongue that invaded his speech. The fury he was feeling, only fueled Val's commitment inspired him to write this biography. To make sense into the life he once had. To do it in a senseful part of his life where he could reflect on the calm that once was a storm of a life. Like all true stories, Val's included extreme chiaroscuro, dazzling light and wrenching darkness. But, light heads the way. Light, within itself, defines the essence of, Val Edward Kilmer, and his early years were simply flooded with it.
Remember. . .Progress Proves The Infinite.
Val was born on the very last day, December 31, 1959. The final breath of a calm world before the eradication of the 60s. Val was the middle child of Eugene & Gladys, between older brother, Mark and younger brother, Wesley. When Val was born, the family lived on the beach in Playa Del Rey until the block was to be torn down to build L.A.X. Whenever you fly, there are remains of what once was. His first memory resides as a sample of his life's entry. Longing for escape. Earthquakes had always proved excitement for Val. Seismic shaking; a reminder of rock/roll. He loved the motion of it. A world in which you could shake up the system and make the normalcy disappear. A memory that had stayed with Val his entire life.
In the Valley, Val was a wild thing. He climbed standstone boulders at great velocity with zero fear. The more damage Val could do to himself outside, the better thicker skin he built and the more resilient he became. If Val thought he was a bad-ass, his brother, who was older, was much stronger and unreal. When the Kilmer boys would catch pick-up games in the Black community in Palm Springs, it gave Val pride that his brother would be chosen for the first couple of months, as his brother could slam-dunk on the daily. Reaching a mere 6'2 and such pure talent, Val used to beg him when they were in college to take up dancing. His brother had a knack for being able to copy movements almost instantly. Val could do it with character movements, but never in sports. Instead, Val was a kid who lived outdoors. He lived through exploring/running. Then, the older Val got, he got into engines. Anything that was made with an engine. Val's father allowed Val and his brother to take laps in the car driving in their father's lap.
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| synonymous with Val's childhood with family |
Val HAD TO venture out elsewhere. He's always had a starving, stealthy spirit. He wanted to get up and out. Even in these days, Val screamed his declaration of freedom, despite his being painfully shy. Val and his siblings were born within a 4-yr-span, and Val was the apple of the eye. When their mom had Val and his siblings were all born to a mother who bared childbirth of all of her children without medical drugs. Their mother likened the beauty and talent of the LEGENDARY Ingrid Bergman, and Swedish. What was once strong about them diminished as the perils of life were burdened. Val's parents shared an understanding of Christian Science, whose underlying premise has an illuminating simplicity. Always turn from the material to the spiritual. Christian Science provided comfort to Val's parents. Val inherited their belief in faith. He held onto that faith throughout life, even though his parents weren't practicing in their faith. Val recognizes, respects and reveres all systems of sacred beliefs that embrace a golden rule of non-judgment.
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| Val and his mom |
Val rode a horse by a man who was killed by the members of the Tate/LaBianca murders, though his body wasn't recovered until 1977. Val never saw Manson himself, but he clearly remembered the panic that ran rampart throughout the country once the murders hit international news. It happened when Val was 8, but by then, the love vibe, was projected by Val's parents in various ways, protecting them from fear. Outside of the deficiencies that Val's parents had, they adored their sons when Roy Rogers' ranch went up for sale, their dad bought it and moved the family in.
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The Kilmer boys were sent to Berkeley Hall. And though Val's father's relationship to spirit was not salient, Val drank to the mystery of faith. As early as Val could remember, he curated this notion of a truly ALL-loving force. In coming years, Val would master the art of faith itself, from the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita, the Qur'an, searching for a new faith that what Val was born into was a true solid foundation to build a life on. But, Val kept coming back to the love of LOVE!, the most reliable rule he ever knew, Val always found infinitely more interesting than men. He never suffered the illusion it took there to win with a woman. Men are aloofs and women are butterflies. Patience is a virtue between the sexes. Everyone has their view on who. Who do you think?
As a feral wanderer who was yearning for lightness, Val began to read in search for comfort that would become soothing. Thus, he found/stumbled upon a distant cousin who had died in 1898 who, they themselves, had ventured into the art of poetry. Joyce Kilmer. Through learning that, Val ventured into the art of writing his own.
As much as Val's strived to infuse meaning into the poems/plays he's written throughout his life, the fully blossomed tree is the ultimate book, poem and play. Val liked mysterious objects - arrowheads his father bought in New Mexico and plenty of poems his mother had collected. Val had studied his uncle's cigarette case, and stole a 6-pk of his uncle's Pall Mall's; for which Val found a box of his own, and placed each cigarette in the pack at an angle. Come sundown, Val scurried up to his tree-house, and lit one up, for the first time.
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| The Kilmer boys |
The Kilmer boys grew up on the speedy music soundtrack of the '60s. It hit them, and it hit HARD!Val was obsessed with music. Music from the pre/post hippie era, The Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin & many many more. Music penetrated Val's soul and drove his passion farther and & faster. Val, himself, and his heart never stopped singing.
As far back as Val could remember, he made up songs. He fell in love with music in rhythm. These early points of creativity were crucial to the being that IS Val Edward Kilmer. The pain was that he couldn't write and sing music. The pleasure was that the music poured out of him. The words always involved love and longing. The family used an old upright. Val took lessons, but never practiced. From the school bus trek, from Beverly Hills to home, Val was too tired to practice. Soon,Val never wanted to be at home, and the family lived in Southern CA., being outside was just as normal as toothbrushing. That piano became an outing for what Val was feeling inside. Dark, classic pieces that suggested discord.
Due to the Berkley Hall theater company being a man short, when Val was 14, he was asked to play small parts and elicited great laughter. That was the moment Val experienced enormous satisfaction making people laugh. Val felt angels kissing him all over. He felt present in a way no one ever has. He felt different. Val had discovered gifts for a wild physical comedy that he couldn't truly manifest, at least, not in a formal setting. Family was one thing, but Val realized he had touched strangers. That transformation changed Val's future. But deep down, he thought he'd never be able to hack a regular life. Val figured he was born to act, because it seemed easy and simple; his talents were recognized and a good way to get girls.
Val's first paying role was a commercial for cheeseburgers. He was probably 13. Through a friend's dad who managed The Osmonds, Val was hired by an ad agency for a national TV spot. The director liked Val's look and gave him a few lines that had to be memorized. Val's main job was to make it seem like he was enjoying the burger itself. Problem was. . .Val wasn't. It tasted like cardboard. The director wanted Val to put his heart into it. He just couldn't do it. He didn't. Val walked off the set and walked off the commercial and was never paid, Val's first act of artistic integrity.
The next year, Val had received his learner's permit, allowing him to flee to the desert on the weekends. His first car was a sky-blue Mercedes 280SL, bought for him when his father was flush. Val promised to pay him back. It took him years, but Val eventually did. It was heaven. That car took Val wherever his parents wouldn't, up/down the California coast, emulating the plays of Sam Shepard; a man who later in life, would be a friend and fellow rebel rouser. Even before digesting he work Kerouac & Ginsberg, Val lived as a beatnik. Writing plays on the history he knew and came from. At a ridiculously early age, Val was spiritually ambitious, devising a 5-yr-plan to achieve and realize self-realization and change his life forever. Val put himself on the embodiment journey of Jack Kerouac, as he laid his burdens down.
In the 70s, Beverly Hills High was seen as the elite of future legends in the making. From Carrie Fisher to Jamie Lee Curtis and Nicolas Cage - and Val was fortunate enough to spend time to be in the enclave of affluence. But, the environment of Val's surroundings gave him no pleasure, in fact, added to his antipathy for the elite of L.A. With all of the wealth of the city itself, Val wondered Why wasn't there more of an architectural upgrade rather than an urban scramble?
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| Chatsworth with Val & Mare |
When Val & Mare were cast in shows together, it ignited some kind of crazy competitive streak; equally fierce in all of us. Backstage, they would bicker like divorcees. If anything, their arguing engaged their acting. Mare's mother, an English teacher, was a devout Catholic. To the Winningham's, Val wondered if he was the boy parents feared would impair Mare's otherwise impeccable reputation. The family thought Val was out to ruin Mare's life. He truly didn't mean to, but they were right. Nonetheless, Mare became Val's sweetheart. He was smitten. They worked fervently on weekends, washing cars and doing any jobs they could to fly to New York to see genuine New York Theatre.
Val was convinced his mom and stepdad to extend their New York trip. To fit in as many shows as he could doing The Glass Menagerie, writing inspired Val to embrace his dream of becoming a poet. Like the character of Tom, Val began to emulate the character. Like Tom, Val took up smoking, so he could render the character accurately. Though he hated the habit, Val became shackled to the addiction. Like other first-time New Yorkers, the city fueled a fire in him. He ran with it in rhythm. The energy had him crazy. But, Val promised to return to Broadway.
Back in Chatsworth, Val & Mare ended their romance, but continued their friendship. They both grew increasingly enamored of the theatre. This was at a time in life when school theatre productions mattered. There were a few productions that Val & Mare were able to work together. The sophistication of their repertoire was phenomenal. It was in Val's human nature of his being to be naturally & inordinately theatrical. He liked to carry on. He liked attention. He liked extravagant speech. He had to emote. He liked to talk. He found the love and beauty when dramatics elevated to poetry. So, Val did the same. He began writing dramas & poetry.
The only thing Val ever could be: an actor. So, off Val went. . .to New York City. Along the way to the city, Val and his mom made a stop in Pittsburgh. It was September. It was hot/humid, something Val was NOT used to. The humidity. He had to FORCE himself to sleep. Even in this book's publication, Val remembered the minute details of the dream. A dream that frightened Val awake with the sound of a ringing phone.
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| The Kilmer boys |
Val learned the teachings of Mrs. Eddy, who spoke of faith in good positivity. At the same time, the loss of his brother became THE tragic events of Val's young life. Perhaps. . .his ENTIRE life. Wesley's death changed everything. Val tried to accept the idea, substantiating by reading tragedy, not without its gifts. But, acceptance was and always will be onerous. As of this book's writing, Val yearned and wanted his brother's company. He wanted him to be ALIVE! not just spiritually. Standing next to him. Sometimes, Val would dream of his brother. In the dream. . . with ALL of Val's gifts/accomplishments, NOTHING compared to his REAL purpose. Val could HEAR these words from Wesley. . .telling his brother; that Val's gift was to HEAL!
Once Val reached New York, for which he attended after Wesley's funeral, he needed the city. He wanted it and was incapable of resisting. His audition required 2 readings, one classical, one contemporary. For the classical, Val chose Mercurio's soliloquy on Queen Mab. For the contemporary, Val chose one of his own beautiful poems; Sand. Everyone at the audition loved it. One examiner called Val's poem a psalm. Another said it felt like an audition. That was what Val was going for. Val writing his own play for the audition earned him bonus points. Either way, Val was granted admission to the school. As a 16-yr-old high school dropout, Val became the youngest applicant ever accepted to Julliard.
Val's answer was to become a rebel. With a cause, sometimes quietly, sometimes provokingly loud. Val was a kid developing his own style. His cause was to survive the academy and; with some subversive flair, and use it to get him into the REAL world of theatre. Val knew DAMN WELL it was a jumping off point. It didn't help that his father, although his dad covered Val's college tuition, liked to manipulate Val with money. His father paid for Val's rent on his small apartment overlooking Central Park, but used that fact to lord that over his son. When his father was displeased with Val, he stopped paying his son's rent. Val would call and acquire. His father felt that Val didn't call as often as he wanted his dad to, but . . .life happens. During the coldest of New York writers in 70 years, Val's father ignored his son's utility bills. The city cut off the power to Val's home/heat and he contracted pneumonia. After this ongoing for 2-yrs, Val thought to hell with his father.
Even as a know-nothing youth, Val knew how to pray for direction against the faculty's orthodox dictums. Praying is unifying oneself with life's purpose. Val had spent over half his life pondering alternatives to his faith, trying to find the connection that equally values to one another. The point of it was to give a variation of the way his first year went at Julliard. Val is/was NEVER pompous/pretentious, but that was his style in custom, even as a teen actor. Val was motivated by love's purpose. Love in the standard of Richard III. Emersing himself and throwing himself into the role so far as that Val got screamed at for stepping on the stage floor before rehearsals. To tell them that Val was simply yielding would not have assigned their anger. Val allowed their anger, and continued to sleep.
When Val woke up, often something there - an understanding that he previously backed. Though he never opposed to rehearsal. He liked it. Val accepted the notion that craft is an endless repetition. It's finding joy in the smallest gesture. Val did very good learning the skills he needed to on his own. He preferred it and worked better this way. The traditional theatrical reflection of life, and its reflection, as far as one can see, is always skewed. Val was blessed with the ability to differenciate between knowing whether material was something he took SERIOUSLY v. something he could play with. . . since we all tend to chase/follow the perfect. If you don't find the funny, our seriousness will do us in. Another reason why Val always loved the comical side of dance. The dance of it is what Val began with as a teenage actor. Serious & silly at the same time. Sane and insane simultaneously. It allowed Val to go the distance between eagerness and hesitancy. Willing/unwilling. As an artist, all we have is our instincts.
When Val first got to THE Julliard School, he had a VERY THICK Californian accent, which was only then replaced by a proper general American-kind of translantic theatre-snob accent. But, the vocal coach at school was a godsend who helped him work Val's voice like it was a trumpet. Val found himself with someone who was a master at their craft that GOT him. Val threw himself into NEVER taking a project without him. Theatre, in itself, has a more RAW honesty than any film would. Val felt power of an audience before he had it. It came from the universe or his soul. Val was about to become one of the youngest stars on Broadway, but as Val looked deep inside himself, Val felt he wasn't ready for the honor. Some might say Val was running away from destiny . . .but, some part of it would ring true. Val did run. Perhaps he should've stayed to learn more and learned the strengths in where he lacked in what was given to him. It would've been so easy though. It was just handed to him. A door's ticket to The Great Way Of Life's Success.
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| Val & Sam |
The first came from his Christian Science practitioner. While in drama school, Val continued to attend services. His faith did not flag. Val felt his faith as tangibly, as he felt the windy breeze in the city. Val could have stayed. He could have lived a patient life. An earnest life. An experience in faith defined by divine healing. As of this book's writing, Val wondered whether he was denying his destiny. He was very, very scared.
The second opportunity came a while later from Tadaski Suzuki. Val read the workshops and met the lead actor. Watching her perform, Val was spellbound. She was Brando. She was on that level. A level that Val never knew existed. She also saw him perform at THE Julliard School. Each year, an offer from 2 Americans was given the chance to study at Toga. Val was chosen. He could have gone. He learned an entirely new method. Val immersed himself in a whole new culture. He ran away from destiny, this time to pass up the chance to study to instead live with Cher atop Ceaser's Palace in Las Vegas.
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| Cher & Val |
The main thing Val remembered about the play was the ruminating presence of one of the many great actors, the great David Warrilow. In Val's pre-Hollywood stage life, Val and his crew did As You Like It at the Guthrie during a freezing Minneapolis winter. It was cold and sold out. Val would sit and watch with wonderous awe of his fellow actors. Though Val played Orlando, the romantic lead and his co-star/good friend played Jaques, it was David who stole the show.
After As You Like It closed, David moved to Paris, where he tested positive for AIDS. Val went to see him and the deterioration was horrific. They sat and watched television, a tedium he despised. He died at 60. Val was graced by this man's accompaniment. Great actors are great teachers, and this man was both.
Reminding Val. . . .
God wants us to walk but the devil sends a limo.
Val could sing...and did so of his own singing in the film. But, singing wasn't truly his forte. Yes, he loved singing and was fanatical for raucous rock/roll and hot-blooded R/B, but when it came to theatre, Val wanted the serious roles. Give him the CLASSICS! He spent 4 months hearing the guitar to the point that his fingers were raw. He was no Eric Clapton; but he wasn't terrible. After all of the work Val put into it, they wanted Val to fake it. They simply wanted to see his expression when Val learned that all of his work would be in vain. The whole thing/vibe made Val happy. He even set to slip a Cher poster on the wall of his character's prison cell. (Cher loved it)
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| Joanne Whaley |
If the age is the lamp of the body and if your vision is clear and your whole body is filled with light...
Looking at Joanne, Val was filled with light. The distance from his seat to the stage was like a stairway to heaven. Joanne had a unique combination of beauty and toughness. (Val would later find out that Joanne came of age in Manchester, a notoriously tough British town.) During the course of this play, Val was completely immersed in the essence of the beauty that is Joanne Whaley. The play was flawed, but she wasn't. Val was overwhelmed. He desperately wanted to meet her. Yet, he didn't.
Val was shy. Yes, he was still dating Cher, but she was in California and Val was in London. Despite the work involved in of itself, there nonetheless was an aspect of himself that in certain situations that Val would retreat - retreat but also advance. After each performance of The Genius, Val waited by a stage door until Joanne appeared. Val followed her and her fellow thespians down the street to the corner pub. Val watched Joanne work, watched her smile and seen her in awe with starry eyes just watching Joanne BE! As Val watched her leave, he did not follow her further. He knew better than to talk. Val kept his distance and never-not-once introduced himself.
When you decry the entertaining aspect of your craft, you miss the mark entirely.
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The minute that Top Secret! wrapped, Val needed a break from everything. His mind swirling with affection for Michelle, and adoration for Joanne, the muse that whom Val had never met. Val needed fresh air. He took all the per diem money he saved and backpacked through Europe. After finishing Top Secret!, Val was left half-crazy with excessive energy. He needed to unwind. He seen that, as the star of the film, that Val was getting spoiled rotten. He admits to getting used to the staff treatment by production as Val was making the movie. When Val woke up to his surroundings and behavior, he needed solitude. Val needed to find himself. So, Val was off. . .on his own. From Scotland Inverness, then to Ireland, trapezing through the green countryside and prosts immortal "The Lake Isle Of Innisfree". Val could see himself living alone forever, or at least, a few weeks. Val TRAVELED the world to SEE the world. It was SO surreal.
Val had never been on an island of pure natures, and most of the nature's had never seen a white man. As soon as they landed, Val's crew vanished. After 24 hrs, Val was more than nervous as to not miss his flight, and it took much longer to get to the island than they told him. He couldn't find anyone who speaks English, and Val realized the only way he could make any kind of statement and attract authority that was on the island was to deny their incredible hospitality. Virtually, every hut that Val went to, trying to find his hiding crew, someone invited him to eat and enjoy what little they had. By refusing, this seemed to awaken them in the sense that Val was somehow upset. On the morning of the 3rd day, Val was delirious and began to hallucinate from lack of food. He had a real sense dreading that he might be in real trouble.
Perhaps Val hadn't mentioned it against the law to go to an island that wasn't a "hotel island", which is exactly why Val wanted this adventure. But, this was more of an adventure than what Val had bargained for. He was in one of his huts, sweating and rocking in a hammock, when Val's first bit of hope arrived. It was a man who spoke English. Val poured his story out in short bursts of dialogue, exhausted as he was by not eating. The kind man explained to him that there was no way off the island for the crew that brought him. As Val stayed here for the intended reasons, townspeople begot teaching Val of their culture, but he did't recall polygamy as part of the program. Val explained he was rebelling against all manner of kindness, like eating, until he met the chief or someone of authority who could help him. The chief said a meeting was arranged with him and Val. Eventually, the 2ND of 5 daily prayer sessions rangs out, and the friend said it was time to meet the chief. All the children followed Val and rubbed his skin to see if it could come off. They laughed and basked in the moment. It was impossible not to love them. The only English they knew were interpretations of war, and interpretations of a white man. It was the first time Val was made aware of the global power of their country. And how complete their reach was. Little children saw the white man and "military" was all they knew.
Val's interpreter stated that the chief wanted to know why they were there and what their problem was with the crew, point to those in Val's company, which began to materialize before his eyes. After Val told the chief his story, and then this Old-Testament style rhetoric just flew out of his mouth. The second Val's interpreter said "God" in his native tongue, the entire room fell silent! Then, the afternoon prayer bell rang, right on cue. Val had always had that sense of timing. The chief spoke briefly to Val's crew, after his interpreter finished, and pronounced their meeting finished. Val fell in/out of consciousness and awoke out of a delirium thinking again that he heard an outboard motor, about 30 minutes before sunset.
The interpreter suddenly appeared out of breath and quite flustered. In his delirium, Val thought he heard a speedboat. He had to eat something. And he did. Val didn't waste a second, although he was eternally grateful for such a vivid answer to his prayer. Or edict. Sometimes it's alright to demand a sign. After walking about 100-yrds, Val asked his friend to kindly carry his backpack, just as he couldn't carry a full pack at the start, even with heavier seashells, and remembrances of the Maldives, and whatever he had packed in Europe. Val came out of the village area with perhaps half the island occupants behind him. These are moments in Val's memory, knowing as he did that the brain plays tricks and it's easy to make or believe a dream as time goes on.
Val remembers feeling warm, and somehow feeling out of body. He just had a deep and abiding sense that he was in the presence of God, or love, or the love of Love. Val felt a deep connection to the people of the community. Across the Indian Ocean, they flew on this double-decker motorboat of exceptional design. Maybe word had gotten out that Val hadn't eaten in 3 days. . .because before long a curry appeared before him. The simplest meal that felt the richest of his life. The great sushi chefs seem to relish the idea that they know just how to bend the mind of Westerners. Val reminded himself to eat slowly. Although he did, before he fell asleep, mid-chew. Accidentally putting himself in a food coma.
It was with the joy of a full stomach that Val knew from this moment, miracles are not normal and to expect them. It wasn't in arrogance. It was a required act, demanding the presence of food. What an adventure it was.
As he departed for home, Val constantly studied his plane ticket to complete frustration/anger over fear of missing his flight or to imagine the world. Val was so grateful for his answer to his prayer and wondered if he obeyed the laws there, whether he could have had such a rare occurrence. Val scurried through the airport and made his flight. And then, for the first time, Val sat food on the continent that, more than any other, put Val in touch with elemental focus that deepened his sense of the divine. Africa spoke to him as an ancient as it was new.
Sometimes when Val would feel the need to get away from life, he circled back to the idea of serene calm shapes/sizes. The simple experience of viewing the serene scene in front of him in the culture for which Val emerces himself in. He still wasn't able to have the ability to tell his children. Practice what you preach. Dream the dream and do them.
Val also bought 4 proper French croissants; and proceeded to devour one. The crumbs dripped down Val's shirt, and everyone looked at him like he was a total dumbass. He wasn't sure what Brian & Martha were going to do with him. Val was standoffish but also committed. Very soon after they shook on the deal, they both stood-up to shake goodbyes, Val was told he had to be run through talking to Martha; the one Val had to talk to! Val babbled in following him out/down the elevator and tried to get into a cab with them; but that's when they finally drew the line. No crazy actor was going to get into his cab. Somehow, Val was rewarded for all of his goofiness with this role. Also, Val remembered demanding double-the-money he had any right to. That might've done the trick. Sometimes a $40 burger is better than a Wendy's. Val was told, since he did not remember, that after he was given the lead, he did the first read-through literally on his back, and was not giving eye contact to anyone, focusing completely on his script. Something a 24-yr-old younger rocker like Val would do. Anything to establish the absolute weirdness of the guy and break the ice was fine by him, so Val probably did do it. Being a young boy/man.
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Talented comedians were in the cast, but comedians always try to be funny. But, it wasn't the comedy that made the film. It was about the evolution of mystery of what Val's character was going to do next. That was what Val was establishing with Chris Knight. Martha didn't get the humor. But, that didn't mean the funny was there! Val was going to prove it! Brian Graizer is very smart, and Val could tell it bothered Brian to have to answer what everyone else does. Val truly liked Brian and didn't like putting him on the spot like he had with Martha when he asked her the same questions. Val was NOT trying to give Brian a hard time. Comedy isn't intellectual. You laugh or you don't.
Val was right. Both Brian & Martha relented once they seen Val wasn't in to giving them a television laugh-track. Re-hired before he was ever fired . . . right before they filmed the fantastic scene of them swimming in popcorn. That was delicious by the way; the popcorn. A perfect metaphor for a popcorn flick film.
Despite the fundamental disagreements between Val & Martha, the film itself made good money. After they wrapped the film, cast members and a good buddy of Val's, Jon Gries (who played Laslo Hollyfield, who played the recluse who lived in the closet), and drove cross-country, curious to see what the South had to offer. They learned racism was still an issue. They were actor's determined to understand characters who were not part of their background, so they hung out with some serious rednecks. The redneck boys don't play. The quickly discerned where they stood-on all the issues. Their next steps would be delivering upon them the punishment they knew they deserved. Before that happened, they were well on their way to Val's new home in New Mexico, their final destination, crossing the Mason-Dixon line to friendlier territory.
At those dinners, Val was prepared to discuss the issue at hand; and knew when it came to information about the lethality of nuclear, Val could hold his own. Mike was impressed. . .which thrilled a happy Cher. Val didn't get much advice about how to finish his documentary.
Silkwood came out to great acclaim. Meryl, Cher & Mike were all nominated for Oscars. The nuclear issue was galvanized. And Val was dead-set on making his own film about the crisis. It was called Journey To Victory; due to wanting to achieve optimism. Rather than alienate, Val wanted to convince. Whatever money Val made, he put into the documentary. But, alas, the complexities of his life/career overwhelmed his determination to complete his project. No matter whatever projects Val took on, remnants of each of them . . .all of nobility. . .sustain a part of him.
Val was not a practical man. It wasn't in his nature. Magical realness had an iffy relationship to practicality. So, Val's documentary on the dangers of nuclear was never finished. No matter how much life got in the way, Val made it a mission to see to its completion.
A weird and strange thing happened on Val's way to stardom, no matter how small that stardom may have been. His father, Eugene Kilmer, had re-entered the picture. In truth, Val's father never left it. In trading Chatsworth for THE Julliard School, Val made his great escape. Although Val came back to L.A. to be with Cher and make movies, he kept a place in New York. He needed distance between the 2 of them, father/son, and Val had always loved the city that never sleeps for all of its swirling greasy grandeur. Val thought he had escaped his father, but he didn't. Geographical distance is one thing. Emotional distance is another. Val realized and was still aware of the Oedepal myth that demands a son must powerfully regate his father to become his own man, an actor and an independent spirit. But, he wasn't his own man. He was Eugene's son, and as such, when he called, Val responded. Everyone called at an especially critical time in his life. Eugene's fantasies of becoming one of California's prime landowners had not been realized. He made foolish moves - the loss of Val's younger brother was motive - and his finances were eroding. He needed loans.
To secure these loans, Val was asked to co-sign notes/deals. He did so. Willingly, but, Val was so sure how willing he was. He felt he was under his father's inexplicable spell. Without thinking about it, documents were put before Val. He was given a pen. He signed. Before he knew it, those notes/deals had whistled down the toilet, his father had millions of dollars in liabilities, and Val was on the hook for all of it. It took nearly 10 years to pay it off. After it was paid off, Val & Eugene were both proud men. They never wanted to burn their creditors. That pride led them both into financial turmoil. Both were to blame for what happened.
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| Georgia O' Keefe |
It's a cliche', or perhaps critical to Val's sensibility, that after his childhood visits with his family he rediscovered New Mexico through a siren of sorts, a fascinating woman with a bring name, Jane Smith.
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| Val & Sam |
In Val's early trip to New Mexico hat he had, in addition to his connection with another pivotal experience, this one was seismic. Val had encountered an angel. He was WIDE AWAKE. He was indoors. It happened on his birthday.
Val had just turned 24. He was asleep and awoke to an amorphous black figure before him. In truth, this dark angel looked very much like Darth Vadar, though without the helmet. It took up space in an infinitely eternal way. Val was afraid. He addressed it by saying, in his mind, "I can feel you reading his mind. That wasn't what was happening." It was/is indescribable when someone or thing can read your mind, and Val stated as such - or thought it. Val knew this was a sacred moment/encounter and, yet, like Mary or Moses, Val felt fear. This phantom then reached in, extracted his heart, and held it before him. A bigger heart was in store for Val, spinning rather than baiting was placed inside his body. At first, Val thought it was the Angel Of Death before realizing it was the Angel Of Life.
Val wished he could've elaborated it more than he did, but he couldn't. Val remembered pinching himself as hard as he could in hopes of brushing himself, so that he could've fallen back to sleep by this dark angel. Val would be able to prove himself this was a REAL experience. He looked at his clock and noticed it was moments before he was born that morning 25 years ago. Somehow the spell was over, and just as he thought, Val did fall fast asleep and awoke up the next day with a bruise on his arm. There was nothing else Val could say except that he was grateful for his new heart. And he's only just begun to use it.
Love is ungraded by the rigors of backpacking. Val is a backpacking freak. He devoured books. Sometimes books themselves would send Val on a destinational trip to a book's location. Forced humidity is always good for the soul, but Val could say he wasn't happy. He decided to go with no publicist at all. Then came a blissful surprise of a romance.
As Val has said about artistic projects, he is subject to impetuosity. The same goes for romance. Val took that seriously. Accepting liaisons as lonely interludes. Some lasts for months. Some lasts for years. Some lasts forever.
Val didn't want the part. He didn't even care about the film. The story didn't even interest him. Val's agent also repped Tom Cruise, basically tortured Val into at least meeting Tony Scott, which his agent raved on Val, an opportunity he couldn't/wouldn't be able to afford to meet with as many as possible, seemed obsessed with a meeting wanting Val for a role. He showed up at the audition. Val showed up the fool, or the goon. Val wore oversized janky Australian shorts in nausea green. He read the lives indifferently. And yet, amazingly, Val was told he had the part. He felt more deflated than inflated. Val HAD TO bail/get the hell out of there!
The moment Val got into the elevator; the director ran after and blocked his way of going down/leaving. The director blurted his truth in his British accent. Pulling out the horns/whistles/muscles as they were 6-yrs-old and no one was in the hallway. Reiterating that Val was perfect for the role that was written for him. No one else would do this role. It may not be the lead, but it'll sure-as-shit feel like it. Outside of Tom, Kelly McGilles, someone Val knew from Julliard was perfect for her role in the film. Tom was a wrecking ball to Val's consciousness. He had never been treated with such passion. Val was so accustomed to giving passion; less familiar with receiving it. Director Tony Scott's British enthusiasm was the pick-me-up Val's ego craved. Ferocious and hilarious loved the devil in the details of filmmaking. He loved the process, loved the energy of the set, loved the characters. Everything was fuel to Tony.
Every time the jet took off, Tony swooned. Val threw lines away. He would jump for joy. Literally, he overwhelmed Val's disdain for the project with pure unadulterated positivity with his commentary. Every time he bursts into positivity, Val & the crew disdain more from it. Off-set, the set was divided into 2-sets & camps. In the film, Val was it. Tom "Iceman" Kazinski and Cruise was Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell. Val commanded his camp because he had a tricked out van. Val & Tom were the party boys. Every night, they'd hit the San Diego nightlife. One night, they were stuck at a 4-way with all lights on RED. Val peered out, spinning and peeling out, burning rubber in a perfect circle and showing off (essentially being a guy). Until they cozied right up to a cop car. The cop looked at Val with a Really? look on his face.
Tom refrained from their revelry, with good reason. His dedication was admirable. Tom was a comrade Val respected & admired. Val's FAVORITE moment between them was a small prank in which he gave Tom an extremely expensive bottle of champs but placed it in the middle of a giant field and made him follow scavenger-hunt-style clues to find it. Val hid behind a bleacher and watched him lug the giant-ass crate to his motorcycle. Tom never did thank Val for the Iceman-style bit. He thought it would break the ice, but maybe the ice was just right. All-in-all, the film was both a blast and an education. Val took in the poet, Ezra Pound, who wrote about vanity being on full display.
Aside from improvised moments, certain moments Val improvised himself, like spinning the ball on his finger and the trash talking locker room scene, made it into the film. He also takes partial credit for weird crew Val sported. The style was Tony's idea, but Val went out of his way to make it weirder. When it turned into a national fad - thousands of guys began emulating the coif - Val was flabbergasted.
Another point of pride was flying in the jets. Though Val was NEVER truly doing it, he learned the mechanics of operating the plane. They all went up to the jet several times and Val was the only one who did NOT regurgitate sickness, which given the turbulent drops/spins of these ferocious fights, was no mean feat. The servicemen loved/enjoyed partying with the cast/crew. At one such tete-tete complimented Val's skills, mistaking his skills for real. With each word of praise, they stuck to Val's chest - all the spiritual of manly goodwill - until he left a dollar-size bruise that took weeks to heal. And then, just like that, REAL LIFE happened with a secret mission and their advisors were gone.
As the filming progressed on, Val grew more serious about his on-screen character. Even though Val could play an arrogant jerk in his sleep, he actually found something deep with his character. What made this guy arrogant?
When Val saw the film for the first time, on the Paramount lot, he jumped up out of his seat after the first 5 minutes and declared "This is a hit!". The editing was stupendous. The minute was over, Val made a mad-dash across the lot to the office of the film's producer, Don Simpson & Jerry Bruckheimer, past their assistants, where, Don, himself, was seated behind a massive desk. Val was exhilerated that Don was able to master the craft of the film. "You've Done It!" Jerry looked up at both of them. Don's response to Val's dedication was to jump on the top of his desk, clad in his signature cowboy boots, and assume the prose of the a cartoon superhero. His stance was earned, and cheered. It was so wild a movie for Don to be normal. After Tony had killed himself, but up until his own passing, Val missed him every damn day. In 2012, Tony drove to the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro and jumped to the highest point. What comforted Val in the loss of Tony's passing were the memories he valued and cherished as he enjoyed his coffee overlooking and passing that bridge.
|Val had begun to suddenly feel that he had to leave New York. He wanted to sleep in a city that didn't sleep. He was never going to rest or get any. The literal & spiritual electricity was crazy. Beyond everything that Val ever loved - the art, theatre, music, dance, beyond its beating avante-garde heart and it's pulsating creativity. Val wanted to feel open and wild and free. To be in a place defined by spirit, not responsibility. Val HAD TO get away from the craziness of what he was trying to get away from. L.A. was not a possibility, Growing up there, it held no exoticism whatsoever in mind. As much as you want to leave your city, you are where your roots are. We all confess to harboring hatred to scenes of our childhood. He had considered it the bottom ring of hell. In saying that, he must acknowledge the gifted, Paul Thomas Anderson, was able to show Val the improbable and (up until his films) invisible to the beauty of the Valley.
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After fleeing to Sante Fe, ever since being drawn there by his father throughout early childhood, he liked everything about the town, especially the vibrant culture of the community. Despite the fear of someone spiking his morning coffee, it seemed like the house where Val wanted to live. The sole moment of hesitation came when Val was about to sign the lease on a new home, and the Realtor, mentioned one of her brothers had been convicted of murder. Peace for thought. Val decided to confront the siblings; so matter-of-factly. Well, with new information in hand, Val signed a new lease.
Those years were marked by the presence of a woman in his life whom Val never expected to see again. She was the same woman who had been running through his dreams since the first time Val seen her. He didn't try to meet her. It happened. Though he didn't know how. Val didn't want to besmirch his faith, but he wanted this woman and was in a great hurry to win her love.
Val had turned down David Lynch's Blue Velvet and Dirty Dancing. Neither film spoke to him. In the aftermath of their success, regret came on Val with the shoulda,woulda, coulda's. He wished he had not said no to so many brilliant directors. Like Robert Altman. Val loved his films and really respected Altman's willingness to follow his heart and just make smaller films when Hollywood seemed to feel the need to punish him for his expensive misfire with Popeye David was one that Val turned down more than once. In Val's opinion, it seemed to him that David was more of an XXX filmmaker than a true film maker. Val was a too much of a conservative spirit about sex to celebrate it in that fashion. There was just no way. But, Val sure would've appreciated a call prior to what he had. For which, as of this book's publication, Val could never truly express his remorse for not explaining himself.
Val & Joanne met as peers. In the film, he would pursue her, until later in the story, she would rebuff him. There were echoes of The Taming Of The Shrew impeding their real life.
Willow benefited from the fabulous special effects and George Lucas style lubricated storytelling. However, in the mountainous regions of New Zealand & Wales where they were filming. Val has to ride English style, because it's all his horse knew and because they were all engaging in pretty dangerous stunts. Val thought lessons were crucial. At one point, Val grabbed a prop in the form of a giant wooden cross, wore it in his back, and walked to the dailies theatre to broach the subject. He obliged and allowed Val to continue the lessons, but his look told him he had lost the war, but had won the war. Val's part required some athletic challenges that Val enjoyed but the character had a lot going on. He was strong, healthy & hopelessly romantic. It was at this point that Val was becoming emotionally lost on Joanne.
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| Val & Joanne |
At the film wrap party, Val & Joanne were wrapped in each other. Joanne is an autodidact with an astute literary sensibility. She, herself, contained sweetness and unbridled toughness. Madly in love, they decided to chill out in London, where Jeremy Irons lent them their flat. The Willow shoot was arduous. They were bruised from physical demands. Dead tired, they slept for days. Then, one morning, Val stated, Let's Go To Africa to get away and clear their heads. Why not?
They were still so tired, though they had no trouble negotiating an itinerary. So, they changed their plans. Fly to the U.S., recuperate at his home in Santa Fe, then head to Africa. Joanne was game. And, Val was infatuatedly following her lead.
Though Val never met Marlon Brando, he arranged for their honeymoon on his island in Tahiti, which was more Feral than they'd ever imagined. One night during a storm, humongous coconuts flew off trees, like hail, and they had to run for their lives. That kept them laughing for a solid month. It was a scene out of Apocalypse Now, and plenty of jokes abound between Val & Joanne. Just days after the honeymoon, Joanne returned to work and Val headed out to the Colorado Shakespeare Festival, where he played the Prince Of Denmark.
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| 1988 Colorado Shakespeare Festival |
Part of that truth was established when he encountered the only truly brilliant acting teacher Val ever studied with, Peter Kass, with a great resume of students, including Olympia Dukakis & Faye Dunaway; among others, whom convinced Val that Hamlet was not some unapproachable towering intellect but actually pretty weak. Doing whatever everyone told him to do. Val embraced Hamlet's qualities that are endemic to all mankind, to think through over abilities & dilemmas . . .not be eradicated by them. Val wanted himself to be confused. To put himself in the mind of his character. Allowing confusion to reign. Val channeled confusion, a confusion that made sense.
Val tried to make it clear to Joanne that she married a simpleton, who after 10 years still hadn't gotten things memorized. If you read ALL of Hamlet's monologue, it's about 2 hours to read, depending on the delivery. Imagine the silliness of Val's performance from ages 12; 24-to-27. Every month nowadays it felt like Val's life was completely new. Felt good. Except as of Val's writing of this book, if Val had it his way, he would live in a home with his 2 grown children downstairs, and he, upstairs. Although Val lived close to his daughter, she lived within a voice's distance yell. He wanted to give them their space, but didn't want to. As a father, Val wanted to smother them and not care he might ruin their lives. Val's babies are his greatest achievement, even though it was painfully clear he had just about zero to do with their character. He admitted it, but didn't have to like it.
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For example, for the lead of Jim Morrison, Val felt the actor chosen had to sing the songs LIVE!; to have a cathartic experience that players onstage evoke, not in advance of the audience, but with them in a moment of unique empathy. The role of the actor is to quell alienation, to recognize that in a way, we are all one. Jim was a rate baritone tenor, so Val trained to sing in that particular range.
Val told Paul to take all the time he needed, and he'd walk down the street to visit a friend of his and return later. This guy Val went to see was a massive cokehead and happened to live near the studio. The drugs got to be too much for Val to be around so he never saw him again, but he was a real smart guy and knew rock/roll really well so it was a timely meeting. When Val returned, he applied some of what he was told about Jim's amazing presence onstage. Val stated to Paul to do him a favor and put up The End!
Out of respect for Val as an artist, Paul took a very long time. He just wasn't going to do it. They had avoided it forever. Val just couldn't sing it. It was too difficult. Val grew more and more assertive, and assured him that Val didn't really mind how bad he sang the music - which was a lie, but he just needed to for his own personal growth, as the character, Jim, and it was the best way to move past their earlier fight. Finally, he agreed. And, as God as his witness, Paul cried even harder after Val had finished. He/Val stopped recording. Came into the booth and hugged/consoled Val for the longest time. They both sat on the floor. As a producer, Paul had given notes instantly and immediately. He would demand the artist to follow his instructions to the absolute letter. This weirdly broke Paul's professionalism.
With that in mind, Val offered an approach to Oliver. Val thought there was more to the story than what we KNEW (sex, drugs & rock/roll). Val thought it was crucial to represent Jim Morrison as a visionary poet, whose forefather was Rimbraund, and those before that/him. Val lobbied Oliver about including some scenes; which he hoped would reveal Jim as a serious poet trying to figure out his life through his religion - art - and he made many changes to accommodate Val's commitment. Val & Oliver adored one another, and more than 25-yrs-later, they would work together again. But, perhaps Val lacked the wisdom to understand that creativity is best expressed without insistence or force.
The members of the band appreciated Val's performance, which was a tremendous affirmation. Val seen his work in that film as one of the PROUDEST moments of his career. That was because Val was always praying with his poetic ancestors in REAL time, because of Oliver's generosity of spirit and their mutual respect for something that Val held sacred: a magical moment onstage. When it happens, we feel unity in spirit.
Val & Joanne had already made their prior pledge to being together during every movie knew the hundreds of ways filmmaking eats away at a romance of you are both working. Val couldn't leave The Doors. He had put so much physicality, mentality & spiritually into it. They were about to start filming wanted her to stay with him and asked her to decline the offer. She wouldn't. Val was hurt, but not angry. You don't know when the point comes when you stop hurting and start healing.
With both of them in the same profession, Val would've seen a fool to not see Joanne's ambition. This was early in her career. Good roles are hard to come by. There was no reason Val's career should have come before hers. There was no big scene. She left, and Val continued his work as Jim. Val never spoke of it loudly, but he felt on edge/anxious and almost terrified because he could feel Joanne starting to slip away from the relationship.
Years of happiness lay before him. Years of conflict as well. The years of dance between darkness/light would continue. It was during those light-dark days of The Doors that, as Joanne would take her departure, Val KNEW in his heart their marriage wouldn't last. It was NO ONE's fault. . . just a matter of fate. And who was Val but the partner who went away throughout half of their marriage. Nonetheless, Val loved being married to Joanne. And soon, he would've loved his children when they came. And now, Val was suffering from the blues that come from finishing a film. Kind of a postpartum & blues feeling. Maybe Val 's postpartum, Post-Doors knowledge came to Val deeply. Maybe he felt/feared no project would ever be quite as special. He felt he had experienced glory. Nirvana! Fortunately, someone would enter Val's life who without a doubt understood Val's feelings all too well and could offer a sympathetic ear and advice. A legend! And soon. . . a friend!
After Val shot The Doors and Joanne had shot Shattered, they flew together to Ireland to wind down and reconnect. Val always seen Ireland as a literary playground - George Bernard Shaw, William Butler Yeats, James Joyce - finding solace in its charming cities and cool countryside. Much of the tension Val and Joanne had experienced in the past year seemed to melt under the summer sun. Back in Sante Fe, a friend of his called to say that Marlon Brando wanted to meet him. Val's heart broke into a happy song. Apparently, he had seen The Doors and was curious.
This conversation led to discussing about the works of those who came before them in the 30s/40s. Val brought up the recently late Gene Hackman. With hearing of Gene, Marlon's lips tightened up ever so slightly at the edges, as Marlon began speaking of others he admired before him. Marlon didn't say anything about having seen The Doors. But Val sensed he was in the company of those Marlon mentioned. Or at least wasn't made to feel excluded. During a long pause, Val found the courage to speak to him. Of asking/comparing literary notes/actions, Val was listening. He was taking notes for which to carry this precious conversation. Marlon would seem pleased to see Val's reaction to responses. Val didn't mind. He was just so happy to be in the same accompanying room with Marlon Brando. From there, the conversation eased up.
Val was able to express his appreciation of Marlon's craft. Val didn't at all resist sounding like a fanboy. His FAVORITE lines of Marlon's films. Marlon spoke of asking Val the same in return. For which he did not, Val had his favorites of Marlon's. . .. but would rather NOT brag. Marlon didn't necessarily have favorites, but more, rather not remember. Marlon gave Val SAGE advice where it comes to freeing yourself of post-production burdens . . .you don't.
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Val was also pleased and honored because this, in the early 90s, was to be the inaugural film from the Tribeca Film Festival. Uninvited, Val was always writing and re-writing roles in movies. his own roles and works for others. After reading Thunderheart, Val wrote a part in the film for Brando. He thought back to high school, when Val watched The 1973 Academy Awards when Marlon Brando won for The Godfather; but Brando refused to accept and attend. In his place, Brando sent a radiant Apache actress, and activist announced, with great poise that Brando's refusal was due to the mistreatment of Native Americans. Some made jokes. Others seen it as taking a stand. Val seen Marlon's play as an act of heroism. Marlon was Val's guy. His heroic idol. It wasn't about being suave or debonair. . . it was about the power of silence. The long, pregnant pause. The understatement. The mystery. Trying to make sense of a movement. The range that remains inside. Eyes slightly shifting. Lips slightly curling. The beauty of subterfuge.
That same year, Brando told the Academy to go screw themselves. He came on a TV talk show where host Dick Cavett asked him why Brando spoke so often belittling the art of acting. Acting is a survival mechanism. We act to save our lives. Well, in the year of Thunderheart, Val was sent to save Marlon. Like so many of us, Val had suffered financial setbacks. He needed cash, and Val was determined to rush to his rescue. Given his passion for indigenous people, Val KNEW Marlon would be perfect as the crusading head of the F.B.I. Val worked for weeks & weeks writing and re-writing scenes for Marlon. Val polished the dialogue to a high gleam. Despite his need for privacy, DeNiro had let Val into Robert's perfectionist world. Val begged DeNiro to read the scenes he had custom-written for Brando. Val sent DeNiro notes, called him dozens of times, until the day of reckoning. Val was on the phone with DeNiro, passionately arguing how Brando could transform this form. DeNiro, in his quiet, stoic way, in his DeNiro look, told Val, emphatically, Marlon Brando. Is. Not. Going. To. Be. In. This. Movie.
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| Val & Sam |
The film was shot in South Dakota on the Lakota Reservation. Val went to many ceremonies and became friends for life with many of the beautiful families. Val made it clear he had to be home by summer's end. That was because Val was going to be a father. One of the most glorious moments of Val's life was about to unfold.
The problem was that the midwife didn't really like Val. It was a moment when Val truly began to see the growing imbalance in their marriage. Val's desire to be a dad was all-consuming, yet, that desire went unrecognized. Val, nonetheless, inserted himself into the gestation period with joyous intensity. The closer they came to the birth, the more excited Val & Joann's growth became.
October 1991. The final weeks. Val & Joanne had moved from his original rented quarters, just outside a suburb of Sante Fe to their very first home, the grounds were within earshot of the city's famous outdoor opera venue. In the distance, they could hear the distance of the music wafting in the summer breeze. It was a wintry snow when Joanne's water broke. Val figured this was it. . .except it wasn't. The midwife stated that labor had begun, but labor could linger for a long while. While some women generally chillax in a warm bath, Joanne wanted to walk. Thinking it could facilitate things. Oh! Damn! Did we walk! Walking for 1 day - turned into 2 - then a third. Even as contractions ensued, they kept walking. Miles-and-miles. Joanne was intrepid, almost to a fault. On the 3RD day of walking, Val & Joanne went to the stable that was part of their compound. Nearing the end of 3-days of intense labor, walking at least what felt like 30 miles during the contractions, Val dropped the home-birth plan and decided to drive Joanne to the hospital . . .while the midwife was dead-set against it. Val got up in this woman's grill and made it plain that the midwife was NOT the boss in their home. She followed the Kilmer's to the hospital. Val managed to get Joanne into a 4WD.
When Val asked the nurse where his bed was, she thought he was kidding. Apparently, no new dad ever made such a request. After a few hours, the nurse brought Val up from a piece of foam rubber and a used blanket; and slept on the linoleum floor. And though Val tried to get in there - to bathe and change the baby, to be affectionate, Val's maternal instincts were manifesting like crazy, but so often had to be suppressed. In the end, Val did become a hands-on adoring dad, but never to the degree he desired. Though, Val tried his damndest.
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| Billy The Kid |
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Fortunately, Joanne & Mercedes were on-set. Mercedes just glowed, she was radiant and adorable. . .winning the hearts of the entire crew. Everyone wanted to play with Mercedes. All went well until the test day of shooting. Moments of musical wonderment morphed into a filmmaking fiasco.
After the director was noticably absent-minded, it seemed to Val that the director didn't know much about his craft. Kurt looked Val dead straight in the eye and stated they were in trouble. Val seen something. And said something, as gently as he could, out there was no way his remarks didn't reveal the director's ineptitude. He didn't last long. Val cherished the experience of working with Kurt, whom he loved like a brother. Val was at a loss that Kurt wasn't nominated for his role for anything. The film had a cult following, as did Val's beloved Doc.
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| Val and Bob Dylan with Mercedes |
But, Val never gave up on the dream of another meet-up with Bob Dylan.
And it turned out, Val was cast as Elvis. But not only was Val not filmed, he was barely seen. Though Val dressed as Elvis costumes and assumed Elvis' trademark twang, Val only popped in for a short, faceless appearance when Christian needed moral support. Would Val have preferred his own Elvis routine & get-up? Hell, Yes! But, a shadow Elvis was better than no Elvis at all. So, Val was ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for the chance in whatever form to play Elvis Presley.
Val felt he was told to call his brother by his usually frank secretary, who could not look Val in the eye. Val knew his dad was passing on away. The search for the trail made sense. The bowl on the other side made sense. It was the theatre New Mexico had chosen to have the eagle either reflected or possess the spirit of his father and bid Val fare-thee-well.
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| Christian Science |
Val loved Eugene. He still loved him.
On a vacation trip to Africa, in a moment of confusion when fear was fresh, what did Val do? He did what any other actor would do. . . he called his agent. In a frantic state, his agent wondered of Val's whereabouts. He was trying to reach Val for weeks. In the details of his time in Africa, he seen a man kill a kudu with his bare hands. And before that, Val spent the morning in a bat cave. Which is ironic! Why? Val's agent informed him of an offer wanting Val to play Batman. Yeah! Fuckin' Batman! Wanting Val for the next 3 films. By the 3RD Batman, Val'd received $10 million. He opted to read the first script. That's when Val started laughing, coughing up Kalahari dust and feeling like he was in a trance. YES! YES! YES!
The chair, itself, became Val's best friend; his crush & his only comfort. Oh! Damn, how Val loved that chaise lounge! It was in the glorious piece of furniture that Val had an epiphany. Taking him right back to memories of the past, high school, etc. Val applied gobs of makeup and was often weighed down by heavy costumes. The result was that Val moved like an 80-yr-old. The rubber suit had the same effect. In order to answer natures call, it took Val 45 minutes to undo the suit.
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But, Val wasn't thinking in terms of finances. He was thinking folklore. . . in a Godfather to have friendships with these 2 LEGENDARY ICONS! The director asked Val for his repayment; knowing the director could never match his rate. This Hollywood juggernaut moment was one Val carried for the rest of his life. Here is Val Edward Kilmer. Pictured between ICONIC LEGENDS in their industry motivated Val to become one of their stature, himself. When rehearsals began, Val drove up on weekends when he was shooting Batman & DeNiro was shooting Casino. The run-throughs were a little hair-raising for some cast members not used to LIVE ammunition. Val was used to it before he even went to THE Julliard School. Val had practiced with the weapons used in westerns, mostly common, the Colts A5 for shooter. He knew. Val knew the magnitude of these weapons due to growing up through the eyes of his grandfather and the connection it brought Val to him, as he would continue to practice like it was the Wild West. Val practiced as if he were in his own western. . . .before the opportunity arose.
Due to a shared background of weapons from his grandfather, Val was immediately assigned to assisting the actors who knew little to nothing about the weapons in question, a practice Val mastered of the course of years via autodidaction. This is the way it had become and come to be, as Val's genealogy before him. There was no money in the pot or prize. No, all that was left of the Kilmer legacy was that Val, himself, was such a fast shooter and reloader of the weapon of choice, the last man living out an impossible dream of a valid Wild West. Val heard, from more than one person, over at the training camp they show the shootout scene the film, Heat, the sequence of Val firing and relocating this terrifying weapon. Their instructors humiliate their best & brightest with various taunts. This once particular scene in question was presented in 1 take. 1 cut. The director was proud of this dedicated killer elite that imagined thereof.
NO ONE pays actors to do research after the film starts - ever. But, for the director's own doing, Val would forever and always love the director. Over the course in glory of filming Heat; it was a masterclass put on by DeNiro & Pacino. At close range, Pacino is balls-to-the-wall; no holds-barred; and DeNiro's methodology is solid as a rock. But, throughout it all, Val, Pacino & DeNiro reacted to the outcome of the film like children at a funeral. . . .giggling their way through this dark movie.
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| Father & son |
Jack's birth was a miracle as if it were a Frank Capra melodrama. Once Jack was born, destiny awaited! Joanne never looked more gorgeous. Once mother and baby were both fine. . . That was it for Val.
The birth of their baby boy coincided with the unraveling of their union. It wasn't the blame/cause, because that's not fair for anyone involved. When Val & Joanne were first married, he felt that the foundational structure of their relationship depended upon them being together during one another's film schedule. When that plan fell through, so did Val & Joanne's rapport. Val, personally, felt left out of his parental role. Val remembered Joanne suggesting he take some artwork by his baby brother, Wesley. Looking back, Val realized he should've just shut up and done just what Joanne wanted. It was too big and too much of a task for Joanne to take on. But, rather than try to empathize with her shoes, Val took it as rejection. He felt that, maybe along Wesley's drawings, he would be asked to leave as well. All Val could say was that with both of them and their livelihoods, something had died between Val & Joanne before it got to this point.
Shot in the shifting humidity of a lush American rainforest, The Island Of Dr. Moreau was as sublime as it was ridiculous. The sublimity had everything to do with Marlon. Emotionally, Val was a wreck. The implosion of his nuclear family left. Val more vulnerable than he'd been in his entire life. Marlon sensed that and became a surrogate father to him. Marlon listened to Val for hours-on-end. Marlon confronted Val, loss with words than his understanding heart. Marlon didn't pry, he didn't look for reasons, he steered Val away from regret. Like a guardian angel, Marlon nurtured Val back to emotional health. Their bond had been built since Marlon's son, Christian, was shot to death the boyfriend of Marlon's daughter, Cheyenne. Such a turn of events would have made the sanest man mad!, but Marlon handled it. During this horrific period, Val & Marlon took a couple of long rides around the city where Marlon weighed the consequences of a trial v. plea. He sat there for his family and Val tried to be there for him . . .which had happened 5-yrs prior.
On their very first day, Marlon asked Val to his trailer and instructed him to assemble everyone in the film. Marlon wanted Val to meet them. It didn't take Val long to assemble what Marlon met by "everyone". When these 15 or so people were assembled outside of Marlon's trailer as instructed, he peeked out through the venetian blinds and mumbled of a surprise gesture. With that, Marlon gave Val the death tough guy he, Marlon, invented.
So, Val went out and apologized; redirecting the crew to please assemble the crew - the entire cast/crew, a couple hundred people. They happily, gleefully, lined up to meet the maestro. When anything was said/done, they settled into the first scene they were about to shoot, which was Marlon's first scene in the film. Which had lots writing problems. Effortlessly, Marlon solved each and every one of them like the genius he is. A genius at improv, and it was the greatest virtuoso live acting performance Val ever witnessed. All this was, their rehearsal, and Val had begged their new director to film it. Val had spent time with Marlon to know he doesn't repeat himself, and he's easily bored or distracted. Roll it. Go with it on camera. Because you'll never see it again.
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| Marlon & Val (in a picturesque sense) |
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The divorce was brutal. Val made the epic mistake of moving the legal proceeding from California to New Mexico, so the kids didn't have to be dragged into he & Joanne's mess, as they often are with high-profile divorces. Val thought they would have a better chance of a quiet divorce in their home state. Joanne moved to L.A. to start a new life with him. It was a costly decision.
The divorce laws in the state of California calculated back earnings in a way that left Val pillaged and penniless. The estate was split the day of the separation. The suit dragged on for 5 years, through several teams of lawyers. Val tried to explain to Joanne that all the fighting did was rob their kids of any annuity they might gain from the fortune they were giving the lawyers. instead. ALL Val ever wanted was LOVE! to rein in the Kilmer home. Val prayed & fought for humility and forgiveness every day for YEARS & YEARS! Val had expanded his hand-holdings in New Mexico from 1,600-6,000 acres of beautiful land.
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The entire night was a dizzy blur. In retrospect, Val seen it as a version of what would be a honeymoon. So, there they were, completely lost in their love. Just like a fairy tale, with emotions high in the air. Val loved Cindy deeply. He felt he could've died from it. Val was FULL of happiness & gratitude. He would love and die for it if Cindy could accompany Val to Moscow, where he would be set to shoot The Saint; hoping to bring his Saint with him.
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The producer, upon Val's arrival at Heathrow, was there to meet Val with star treatment. Val almost wept with gratitude as he was welcomed to London. During the shoot, there was a coup among producers that resulted in David Brown's removal, a mistake in Val's opinion. Nonetheless, the film was completed and earned its place, not as the ongoing franchise he had imagined, but as a lively piece of entertainment that had Val's character on the run. Because Cindy was by Val's side, they had to sneak around a lot, which put a strain on Cindy, who she/herself was trying to build her own name. The day after the film wrapped, Val & Cindy began to travel the world. They fell so deeply in love that they began designing their imaginary ranch. They were really in New Mexico and Val was living a life outside of Hollywood. Val's credits Cindy with bringing him back to LIFE after his divorce from Joanne.
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| Alexander film |
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| Val as Mark Twain |
At this point, meanwhile, Hollywood was high on its own energy supply of ego, flash/cash. In an unflinching attempt to empower actors, directors and more with an attempt to break/breathe life into a myriad of Hollywood moments, Val had been doomed "difficult" and alienated the heads of every major studio. Val looked at the industry from the inside/out and vice versa; and in a conscious and deeply satisfying act of authenticity, he hung up his hat. In Val's mind, he had retired. He had decided that his properties would undergo a massive cognitive shift. Val was reminded that he couldn't live in L.A., or at least, had to give a Los Angeles phone number. If Val was going to be off the grid, the players would be playing, and life would continue to be a Cabaret without him.
Val weighed his options. Constantly chasing the high or stay grounded to the Earth and be one with the world around him. And, Val thought of New Mexico . . .. Realizing his own dreams of making art and telling stories. And Val VOWED to himself he would bring his art to LIFE!, or die trying.
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New Mexico was every bit as healing as Val hoped. He had his ranch. He had his career. Val managed to marshal his financial resources. Around this time, the universe smiled and brought him to meet Daryl Hannah. Daryl was and always a spirit that lifted Val. Daryl and Val had a lot in common with their life's trajectories. He shared a multitude of memories that factored into a meaningful relationship. There were moments where they envisioned a future life together with family and children. During their relationship, Daryl touched, opened and healed Val's deepest wound, deepest wish and deepest loss. He was moved for days. He floated on a cloud. Val KNEW Daryl would be a FOREVER LOVE that would remain in his heart for the rest of his life. That love invisible, ephemeral, and infinite never lost its strength.
Val would reflect on thousands of evenings alone, he would seek comfort in music. As he foolishly ended things with Daryl, Val had overbought land. Val was house poor and alone. He was still fighting for custody of his kids. Val could feel the recession looming as well as a downturn in his career, which up until this point, had been starry and unreal. For the first time in Val life, he was/felt unlucky in life. And Val was unready to face the music. He was hiding from destiny. Hiding from himself. Ultimately, Val came out of hiding and began to think outside of himself. It's just how love works. What blesses one. Blesses all. Val began to shyly apply the lessons he'd learned about his gift of healing, the lessons of Love that lead to more of an attitude of service. Healing is always about an early step of conquering fear. There were monumental points in Val's life where he seen the highs/downfalls that later became a complete redemption throughout his life. The only thing holier than a crucifixion is a resurrection.
The realities of life kept demanding Val take jobs that got him paid. At this point of time in his life, Val tried to make movies for survival. (There are worse things to do for it.) Yet, Val described himself as a man with lefty goals, and he had a solid 20+ worth of work that he/himself described as less-than-lefty. On the other hand, Val was blessed that in this extended period more than a few scintillating scripts came his way. When they did, Val grabbed them. One of those films came before that time period.
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The film Val referred to was Twixt, a film Val was able to do and star in. The film also had led that Val's wife in the film was a woman who captured both his fascination once and Francis', Joanne Whalley. The fact that Joanne would play Val's wife, who was unhappy in her marriage, was not a drawback. They resolved their custody dispute to the point where the kids were spending time with both parents. Val liked the idea of working with Joanne again.
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Much like his own father, Val was swallowed by Mother Earth. The land, in ALL of its forums, called to Val. He knew which movies would be good before he took the roles. He knew exactly how much money they would make. Val was always a numbers person. He was better with numbers than English. Val had had a life outside of work. Everyone pays their dues to succeed. It just so happens Val had to pay his at this strange warped midpoint of his life, rather than the beginning. Val's dream was to create a commune. A place where artists and believers in profound ideas would congregate and live. Val imagined investing in Picasso's & Basquiat's and renting them out. An everything - share . . .And, the dream appeared to be coming alive.
A few comrades had become family. Sam Shepard, in all his grit & glory. Among the community, you find surrender in your surroundings. The commune that Val drafted in his mind and heart would put Texas to shame. Wildlife with a waterway estate. A beautiful surrender and essence in which would teach his kids something they wouldn't know otherwise. This was an essence that Val was trying to acquire, and what mattered the most to him.
Val had mismanaged his money and wound up broke. He called Coppola explaining that he felt like a fool and the reality of his financial status. A utopian dream that was unrealistic. Therein, Coppola had to calm Val down and explain Kilmer's position. Reassuring him that Val will indeed have his art community as he wished.
Val HAD TO stop beating himself up. Artists take risks. With wise advice, Val got out of bed and began problem solving. The property space was worth $30 million - and Val owed $12 million. Improbably and fortunately, Val had befriended a former head of Goldman Sachs and Secretary Of Treasury to the U.S to set him straight. He seen what was coming for Val. Val, himself, didn't want to impede on a friendship; but truly needed financial sound advice. And with that, that was all Val had to say. He knew what Val was up against and offered his help. The dead serious truth.
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| Val/Mark Twain |
Val toured gravy theatres and landed in a culminating few weeks at the storied and relaxed Pasadena Playhouse. As writer, producer and star, Val had his mojo back, all thanks to Mark. Val was always a BIG FAN of the one-person shows. The best he ever seen was Bruce Springsteen. Val had gone to see it 4 times. He was FOREVER inspired by Bruce's purposeful candor and storytelling wizardly.
Val really truly believed in God, and this was his chance to prove it. He was both frightened and empowered. Who does Val call in minutes like this - his children or his practioner? He called his spiritual practioner. They quietly prayed, and Val felt an instant wave of calm wash over him. He told her it seemed practical to call an ambulance since he/himself could not tell how much blood Val had lost and it was hard to move. They prayed a bit more, then she stated that Val should call his children from an ambulance. Due to his home being hidden from the highway, Val knew the first responders would drive right past it. He looked up at these giant wooden stairs that led to Pacific Coast Highway as blood dripped down his body, his eyes/vision blurred, his energy drained. Val called the ambulance and then crawled, stomach on the wood, up those steps and made it to the top with several dozens splinters, to prove it. Even then, the ambulance drove right past him. He called 9-1-1 again. Finally, the ambulance located him. Val was barely able to stand. When they put Val on a stretcher and got him inside, Val was barely tended to and hardly reassured.
When he was in the hospital, Val ushered in Twain and others into the room. He allowed their audiobooks to wash over him and swallow him whole. He filled the starkness of the room with a symphonic swell of knowledge and healing. Val prayed. He sang and danced with his faith. Eventually, Val was able to put pen-to-paper. He wrote poems. He re-read Twain, and took in Mark's words. Val was indeed alive, and, after 2 months in the hospital, Val regained his energy. The fact that his impeded speech could spell the end of his career only served as Val's motivation. Voice was his control, means of creating art. When the rodeo is over. . .where does the cowboy go? Val called Wesley to get him through this. After Wesley arrived, he reminded Val that visual art was very much a medium they explored ALOT growing up.
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Val seen them as canvases. These pictures of his art included pieces of his poems, truncated scripture, random thoughts. The heart feeds the head and the head seeds the harmonies. When it came time to check out, Val rented out a small house in Brentwood that turned hypertensive in a hot minute. The house became an art factory. With a little help, they began making more art than the Brentwood house crowd held, and after a few raw social media posts, there was a found market for Val's paintings. Val's suddenly began to see his art as a means to survive. No matter if people liked them or bought them from Val Kilmer - that didn't matter/care enough to prosper. It was money in the bank and for his family as well as doing what he loved. They hired a few hardworking folks to set up a state-of-the-art business and became the merry band of misfits Val hoped would fill his life on his land in Santa Fe. Dumb luck appeared in the form of a serious art collector who fell in love with his work and bought a shitload of Val's paintings and collages. With that on the uprise, Val was back in business.
The paparazzi were relentless in getting the lowdown on Val's condition. He was too busy focusing on his art to worry about their concerns. If the press caught Val in public, he'd simply tell the truth. He'd been healed. The cancer was gone. Reports emerged that Val was in denial. It wasn't that he was in denial of the disease, he was simply stating that he no longer did. And to be honest, it was truly hard to embrace Val's new diagnosis. It was so surreal. It was truly hard for Val to internalize how much his body was truly decomposing, and he wasn't ready to die. Though, he did not deny miraculous healing.
Thus came Wesley's childhood friend who was a filmmaker. Val could see his brother in his eyes. Life happens. People move on into different directions. In an era of fame and NO Facebook, you lose track of the people who once matter. . . until a friend of Wesley's knocked on Val's door. He had found some old audiobooks/tapes on Mary Baker Eddy. Val wanted Wesley to have them. It felt like a sign. Val was completely silent. He couldn't say anything but - Yes!
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| Iceman reunited with Top Gun: Maverick |
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| HelMel |
And pell mell, muses, friends, and collectors came calling. They seemed to find the space by destiny or by chance. . .And with that, a gallery was soon filled by so many bright young minds, as well as Val, himself. .Val Kilmer making it happen. G.S.D. (Getting Shit Done) at the helm center head of it. Once he seen the vision come to LIFE, it was all he ever wanted. An enclave in which bohemians, pirates, academic lovers could congregate and, make things connect. Despite Val's speech being compromised, his other 4 senses were heightened. Thus, uncertainty is holy. Life is inevitable. It's what you do with it that matters.
There were affirmations in Val's home above the Hollywood Bowl where they would watch the sun set and reflect on those he lost in his lifetime. Sometimes laughing at the friends and loved ones he'd lost in his lifetime. Sometimes Val would cry remembering friends. He would miss the company and not be unhappy. Looking back at his time with Daryl Hannah, when they finally broke up, Val emotionally broke into tears for 6 months at least, until Val realized how his emotional state would damage his kids' mental wellbeing. It was then that Val made himself snap out of it. He was always and forever be in love with Daryl.
Those kinds of rip-your-heart-out relationships became so normal for Val and weren't so good for him anymore. Love was at the core his life, but it was the kind of love that was building toward a life of service. After Daryl, Val had nothing left to give except to his church, his kids, to his art, to his foundation and to himself. Val would no longer look for love. He would let love find him. Let love come through this and through it all, Val's life story was filled with eternal love.
Sadly and emotionally, Val left the world after a rigorous battle that included chemotherapy, radiation, and a tracheostomy, he successfully recovered from the cancer. He very sadly passed away at age 65 on April 1, 2025, due to pneumonia.
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Val Edward Kilmer (1959-2025)
