This new book while proves that love conquers all. It also SHOWS how HARD it is to BE YOURSELF! While ACCEPTANCE is something we ALL deserve. . .sometimes it's JUST NOT SO EASY. While this is about accepting your child, it's also about accepting yourself. This is the TRUE story of empathy and forgiveness. While this is Gerrard's story...this is also a story where you CAN'T HELP to put yourself within this family's shoes. This is the TRUE story of Gerrard Clayton Conley.
Listening along with the others on the status of "ex-gay" lingo becoming a familiarity to him. Learning that the homosexuality he had been trying to ignore was "out of control" and wind-up becoming a form of beastiality. Garrard had very little to go on. He was still young enough to have only a few fleeting experiences with other men. Before college, he had only met one other gay person; his mother's hairdresser; one that Garrard seen as a stereotype around his own environment. As Garrard was feeling his emotions inside, no one in the church could say he wasn't trying on the outside.
L.I.A. had taken a more extreme stance against the secular world than any of the churches Garrard had grown-up in, though the counselor's way of thinking was not unfamiliar to him. The Conley family was missionary Baptist. Straight & narrow Baptist. Scripture running that Harry Potter was a seducer of children's souls. Garrard had no doubts that his L.I.A. counselors would shun the wizardry student, making him a private pleasure. Before entering L.I.A., Garrard had been told to cast everything aside everything but his Bible and handbook.
Garrard had spent the last several months trying to erase his "false personality". Garrard had walked out of his college dorm one winter and jumped into the campus' half-frozen lake. Shivering but feeling re-baptized. Warming up with a hot shower hoping to be as pure as the water. During his stay at L.I.A., Garrard would repeat the prayer until it became kind of a mantra. The only thing Garrard remembered about the ride to the facility was looking around recording through the passenger window with few details remaining. It was early June. The location was more upscale than much of the rest of the city, part of a wealthier suburb, but the least of attractive places.
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| Moleskine journal |
Most of those in the group were from the South, part of the Bible belt with similar stories. They had all been too afraid to fall though the cracks. During this time of the '90s, media scruntiny consumed of open homosexuality and AIDS. Garrard was there as part of The Source, a 2-week trial period that determined what therapy Garrard would've acquired. Most of the staff were former patients of L.I.A. staff, along with his parents would determine what type of hiatus was necessary in his case. A long & difficult journey.
It was hard to conjure a family tree out of an early childhood. Garrard's family life was surrounded by his father's calling to be a preacher. Garrard's father was the symbol of their town and community. In less than a week, Garrard and his mom; in the middle of the Source program, planned to drive him from the L.I.A. facility to his father's ordination as a Missionary Baptist preacher. At the church, Garrard and his mother "played the part" from every corner of Arkansas and distill many of the complex issues that had recently began to plague their associations; including homosexuality. Everyone had been accustomed to poster exercises beginning with his family tree with the genogram of problems. It provided Garrard a sense of security to blame others coming before him. As he diagrammed his family tree with shapes & symbols, the genogram began to make sense. All of this confusion about who he was and why his life had led Garrard up to this momentum. He compiled it among the L.I.A. filing cabinets. The dialogue around the group was that the BIGGEST sins skip a generation. Gerrard, along with the group, eyed the posters. Let the "curing" process begin.
Garrard surveyed his half-finished genogram, trying to recall the sins of his fathers before him until time was up, afraid he had written something he COULD NOT erase. Something Garrard and his family and the other men liked to tell people about the Gospel: "God has no time for anyone but a plain dealer. Speak your mind; and speak it clearly. There is no neutral." Working for his father as a car dealer each summer kept him at a respectable distance from the business of saving souls. At 18, Garrard hadn't actually performed any actual ministering duties. The unwritten and said-but-not-saying manual labor was becoming more "masculine" and "manly" Southerner. His workday companions consisted of his environment. But when it came to morning Bible study, jokes wouldn't save Garrard. He was an extension of his father. "You are your father's son." Garrard always heard. Lunch breaks at a restaurant with his parents lead to unwarranted commentary. No one in this town liked to feel beholden, and no one knew better than his father.
At 18, Gerrard was still very much in the closet, with a half-heated commitment to his girlfriend, Chloe, whom was anticipating more. Giving Garrard a shivering cold through his stomach. He wanted to eject himself from the car and run! Garrard wanted her to wait for marriage. They were already living together for a year 1/2, the church congregation was expecting them to marry before college changed them. Chloe had high expectations for a change that wasn't coming. When they first met in church, they did beget a courtship. There wasn't anything to confide until that intimate moment in the car with looming pressure between them.
The existence of Chloe had shielded Garrard from direct questioning about his sexuality; but there were those whim always suspected otherwise. Garrard was always nervous when he had to give an opinion on anything that could open him to judgment. One opinion might lead speculation to another. And, if Garrard was outed after the dots were connected, nothing would stop the congregation from seeing Garrard for himself and NOT his sexuality. If the truth were to have been out, Garrard would cease to be a man in his father's eyes. Reading the Bible alongside his father and his father's collegues in the church brought him immense anxiety.
What Garrard was trying to say seemed unforseeable and too complicated....but he powered through Men's Bible Study. Sitting with his parents and Chloe hours later at the Timberline, Garrard would fume about Brother Nelson's words. Life the night before, a thunder head loomed across the Ozarks with Garrard re-reading Scriptures trying to quiet the critical part of his brain.
Garrard's father had written a note to God, leaving it into his desk drawer, and told him to NEVER open it. NEVER to touch it....but, leave it there. The last summer that Garrard spent at his dealership, old enough for his curiousity to outweigh his reverance, Garrard read the note. After ignoring and blowing Chloe off for 3 weeks, Garrard's parents began to wonder why? He pretended he was sick on Sundays so he wouldn't have to see her again at church. When he couldn't fake being sick for another another week, he volunteered to work behind the sanctuary. Another week, it was almost time to move to the small liberal arts college where he'd been accepted. Then, late one night, Garrard's father received a phone call from Chloe's mother. She was hysterical. Brandon had been caught with a boy in his bed, a close friend. They had been experimenting. Chloe's mother had no one else to call. That one phone call changed EVERYTHING!
Garrard was asked flat-out why he and Chloe had broken up? He couldn't have the words. No clear explanation that didn't involve some terrible admission hurting his mother. He didn't want to make matters worse. When his father came home, Garrard was shaken by his visit from Brandon. Garrard seen his father suspected something that he hadn't suspected before. Garrard turned away and went to his bedroom. Another week of video game night. Garrard hardly thought about the next phase of his life. When he wasn't playing games, Garrard tried to ignore the fact that not talking to Chloe also meant he would have to stop talking to Brandon. Brandon was the only person whom seemed to know whom he REALLY was never would've been a part of his life again. Whenever either of them decided to do about their "urges", they would be alone.
Garrard wanted to tell everything and open himself up. They then drowned his PlayStation in the shower. Done with games, whatever he faced from his parents, Garrard would face directly. 2 full days at Life-In-Action; the back-and-forth trips and seeing the news in various stops along the way had Garrard question what the news itself was debating. The liberal attitude was what brought him to L.I.A. If Garrard were to stay with the church and closeted, he would've been part of the mainstream itself. But, he allowed secular influences to shape him. The day before, one of the staff counselors had asked Garrard to take a long, hard look at their lives and draw a timeline that demonstrated their progression into homosexuality. Garrard had an epiphany; Most of his attractions had developed alongside his favorite literature. Reading secular literature were discouraged by L.I.A. Only pre-approved material was permitted. A few days without reading typically sent Garrard into a nightly depression that made it difficult to sleep. In high school, Garrard's love of reading evolved into a protection from the sinful narrative in which the characters followed.
Garrard's freshman year of college was so freeing and reading was widely encouraged. Garrard wondered if he ever got the chance to read so freely again or if he would have to stay there at L.I.A. for as many years at the counselors had been there, learning to live with the side effects of his sin, keeping the rest of of the world at bay. Gerrard wanted to avoid the conflicting thoughts taking up residence in his brain by blocking out the noise with conflict which was highly for forbidden. The M.I. (Moral Inventory) took place daily that consisted of a regular reading/writing schedule. Garrard was to put pen-to-paper of his sinful behavior in his past in great detail and SHARE it to absolve himself of it. Without his Moleskine or his books or video games, stripped and without distraction, Garrard was FORCED to confront the ugliest most shameful parts of himself. Taking the steps needed, Garrard felt comfortable, being the good student. It must've been comforting for Garrard's mother as well, seeing him the way he often did in high school.
As Gerrard was acquiring himself with the facility, he was becoming familiar with the smells of his environment. The smells of other boys. Whilst on the midst of anger, Gerrard realized he had free reign of his vocabulary without consequences. It had only been 30 minutes since his parents departure. On the ride there, Gerrard's father was immensely impressed by the ascendency of the outside. Taking notes of how he wanted to elevate his own church.
Gerrard had lost about 50LBS. over the summer. What began as gradual evolved quickly. He refused to eat more than 500 calories/daily, punishing himself farther by running for 2 hours every afternoon. His weight loss took an angry, maschochistic turn that verged on anorexic and scared his parents into making their minds wonder. As he decided to become more active and renounce gaming. Having the same predicament, Gerrard stumbled upon a freshman named David. As they spoke, they had ALOT in common: from language barriers to daily routines & heavy studies. Heading into easy conversations between the 2 of them. Gerrard was the introvert to David's extrovert.
Gerrard spent more than 30 minutes in the dorm bathroom that first night examining himself in the mirror. When he returned to his room, feeling his new roommate, Sam's, eyes more checking out his legs and complimented him. Sam was an early riser and studious runner. But, not wasn't nearly as charming. Sam stood and shut off the lights for bed. They had settled into silence. Until the sound of the TV came on due to the inability to sleep without sound. Gerrard went to for a walk and ran into David, whom was also insomniac. They talked well into the night. The intimacy he thought he would've accepted from David would soon give him regret later within the year. They were almost 2 months into the semester and they barely knew each other. Two months in and Gerrard hadn't attended a single service. Gerrard wanted to spend his time with David, not leaving the dorm room unless it was to go to class and back. He couldn't help but feel that the campus was talking about his secret. The only time Gerrard felt safe outside the dorm was in literature class discussing hypothetical lives into a sense of morality. Gerrard only found comfort in books.
Even if you know the person - especially if you know them - a rape, and the memory of it, becomes a blinding flash. A brush against something bigger than yourself. Sometimes the experience takes form of a divine visitation, such as our need to displace the reality of it. Gerrard tapped into, in ultra-exposed detail, the swirl of grain wood at the base of David's bunk. Gerrard would remember the events surrounding what happened. . .but NOT the act itself. He would never get close to the memory of it to see what was there. For the longest time, Gerrard wouldn't allow himself to admit that it was indeed rape at all. Like many victims, he was embarrassed. Questioning himself. Adding to the shame was the knowledge that Gerrard had secretly pined for the opportunity to be this close to another man, and it was extremely difficult after his experience with David to consider gay sex as anything other than rape. Small details & flashes were all Gerrard would remember. Every little thing to remember the details.
A few hours after church service, Gerrard was in David's room as he/David was trying to clean the room of supernatural forces. Gerrard tried to stop him after a certain while. Gerrard loved him at that moment. David & his body were looking good. The youth pastor had run out of anointing oil. So, Gerrard & David went to the back of the youth pastor's car, popped his track and found some Penzoil. Back to work, David & Gerrard began to mess around after having residual oil on their fingers. A few hours passed, and then it happened. At first, it was like a Baptism. Gerrard felt his body went under but someone else pulled him to the surface. Gerrard worried about the logistics of this newfound situation. He worried how his body would look with its stretch marks. (Believe me...I, personally, have been there!) Gerrard worried about his own safety but whilst wanting him to stop. But, he worried about upsetting him. This wasn't what Gerrard wanted it to be . . . . though it wasn't. Previous thoughts of this occurred at the age of 12, standing inside the baptistery of their family church. He was a new man standing on new territory. Looking into the faces of his congregation, Gerrard was no longer inevitable. Everything else that led to his enrollment in L.I.A. felt like a deserved punishment.
David had confessed that the same night he sexually assaulted Gerrard, that he recently had done the same thing to a 14-yr-old boy in his youth group; with no explanation as to the reason why. Gerrad believed that God was physically punishing him for his mental transgressions, He didn't yet recognize it, but the logic of ex-gay therapy, the idea that sinful urges were equal to David's thoughts. Gerrard was sitting on the bed and felt the same encumbrance as a pedophile; according to Scripture, he was no better than a murderer. When Gerrard was told the Presbyterian pastor at their college what David had done to that 14-yr-old boy; he was told to stay quiet. Gerrard believed his silence was due punishment. He kept the rape to himself due to thinking that rape & shame were what gay sex was all about, but mostly in part out of embarrassment to admit that he wasn't strong enough to find them off, and he was worried that the Pastor would interpret this weakness as a submission to homosexuality. If life was ever going to make sense again, Gerrard would have to search harder for clon her ear answers.
David called Gerrard's mother a few weeks later, out of desperation & guilt, outed her only son to his mother. Ousting that Gerrard was disgusting and a monster. Gerrard found out from a mutual friend that his mother was on her way to the college to take him home, and he sat in his friend's dorm quietly sobbing sobbing into a pillow whilst putting her son's back. According to a friend who'd heard it from David, Gerrard's mother stated over the phone that his father wasn't going to continue to pay for their son's education if he was going to be openly gay. Gerrard turned off his phone, trying to block out what was coming. Gerrard's mother drove to the college to ask him to come home to talk to his father. She had brought another woman from church with her because of her fear of facing her husband alone. The other woman waited in the car whilst avoiding Gerrard's eye contact, as Gerrard and his mother sat on a bench outside the quad. Shaking& quivering, Gerrard's mother asked if the rumors were true? Gerrard lied. Stating Gerrard was a liar. After a passed moment of silence, Gerrard could no longer contain his feelings on the inside. He burst into tears and told his mother the truth and came out.
Saying the words out loud made Gerrard sick inside. He wondered if what David had forced him to swallow had somehow grown inside him, rendering him permanently gay. Embarrassed, Gerrard's mother led him to the car. The other woman didn't say a word. As Gerrard lay in the backseat quietly sobbing, he thought about the worst possibilities. The moment Gerrard stepped away from the shower, he had taken on an independent life. He had taken in too much at once, and Gerrard gagged on the freedom of it. Later that night, Gerrard's father gave him an ultimatium. Looking around the house filled with lies & smiles, Gerrard thought he would do anything to erase this part of himself.
Wake up. Shower. Eat breakfast. Arrive at office. By the 5TH day of therapy, Gerrard had already revealed to his L.I.A. group what he felt were all of his carnal sins, though he was never honest of what David had done to them, too afraid God would punish him further if he revealed their secret. Gerrard felt hollowed out. He put himself into a place where he felt NOTHING! Gerrard no longer recognized himself in the mirror. In the brief moments when NOTHING left him, he did feel un-sourced pain that resembled a kind of pride! He could actually accomplish this mission. In his saner moments, Gerrard wondered why he ever indulged. Everyone else had been in the facility longer, knew on a day-to-day basis what the struggle was really like. They had gone through NOTHING; but walked away with SOMETHING! Something to KEEP FIGHTING FOR!
The more confused they felt, the closer they got to the source of childhood trauma. Gerrard felt he was being carried away by an undertow into shore-less waters, lost in this constant questioning of his past. The night before, whilst filling out his Addiction Workbook, he had gotten so confused that he HAD TO get out and go for a run around the neighborhood. Mentally tearing down the wall of questions. He felt like drowning himself in the seas of the Mississippi River. Gerrard wasn't as suicidal as others were, he just felt like flirting with death. The glamour of Ending It All wasn't much of a leap from sensationalism of their family's church. There was also pleasure to be had in KNOWING! that the end could come at any time without warning. Life takes greater meaning in the aftermath. All of the senseless pain somehow making sense in the end. But, suicide being an unpardonable sin, Gerrard kept to the suburban circuit. He tried praying, but fell on echoed ears. For the first time, Gerrard felt in a state of NOTHING!
The facility was relentless on faith. But, Gerrard wondered where the faith lied in ALL of the facility. His evidence was synonymous with unanswered prayers. Becoming more desperate and meaningless with no answers to look to. About an hour after his midnight run, Gerrard was able to COMPLETE his Addiction Workbook to the best of his ability. He didn't know if his answers still rang true, but Gerrard was still proving himself to his best at public confession.
Danny Cosby, one of the main staff counselors, was giving a talk on the importance of sports. Lack of sports in childhood would lead to effeminate behavior. A recovering alcoholic whom came by sports naturally; straight by any man. Being a team player pulled him from his addiction. His life containing all of the necessary raw materials to form a full recovery. Danny had never experienced same-sex attraction (S.S.A.), as L.I.A. referred to it. He was hired due to the precedent that his addiction to alcoholism could cure addiction to ANYTHING! Taking his teachings of alcoholism and relaying them onto those in the L.I.A. with their attraction to the same sex. J. was sitting across from Gerrard. He tried to keep from looking at him each time Cosby repeated "physical contact". He only looked up once; his gaze was so cold it made Gerrard wonder if he had imagined a connection. So quick; but so moving. There was something there. Hidden. But, there!
In his most stubborn moments - the moments that must've accumulated to such a degree that this blonde-haired boy distrusted him, Gerrard told himself it must be really dull to be straight. At his lowest, Gerrard seen that being gay gave him an advantage for the outcomes that straight people don't see. This is what inspired him to write. But, the handbook was clear on the subject, on the attitude of superiority that all gay people expressed, designed to hide their inferiority. Often their value is connected to their ability to control others. It was clear to anyone around Gerrard that he was completely lost, that he wasn't in control, and that his self-worth was at an all-time low. After all, it was hard not to think that Gerrard ws destroying his family; that its legacy would end with him. Worse, it was hard not to think of the money Gerrard's parents were spending ($1,500/2 2 weeks of therapy.) Hardest of all was the thought of standing beside his father the next day during the ordination ceremony and lying to the 200+ people whom would gather to celebrate his father's calling, slapping a fake smile on his face for the crowd. All of the questions began plaguing Gerrard's mind.
Gerrard and his father had barely talked on their ride to jail. It would have been a month since Gerrard's truth and coming out and it was almost Thanksgiving break. The week that Gerrard would've spent with family, he sat beside his father in the passenger seat of his father's car watching the scenes of the road pass by. The Conley Family established roots in this town in 1999 just after they had lost their cotton gin to a corporate competitor to those whom transformed into a shadow of their former selves.
Much of the work Gerrard's father now involved educating people outside of the church's door. His increased ambition led to an uprising in customers in the dealership and ingratiate himself in the neighborhood. This was the first time Gerrard shadowed his dad to SEE what his dad ACTUALLY did. His new schedule required for him to drive straight home from college. Friday afternoons for family weekends. To the outside world, you would think the Conley family was happy. Closing his eyes to rest on the drive, the images of what had happened the night of his rape has stayed w/ Gerrard. Through every minute of his waking life. One minute Gerrard would remain calm. . .the next; an instant flash. . .a popping flash would cause Gerrard to react outwardly w/ rage. (1,000% UNDER-FUCKING-STANDABLE!) Destroying everything in his sight. After Gerrard was outed to his parents, his mother had driven her son home from college hauling ass in record time. As his mother vomited in an adjacent bedroom, his father led him into his bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him,insisting of his mother's confusion. This confrontation, along w/ the coming out process therein of itself in general, had Gerrard feel the urge to join his mother and vomit in the bathroom. No one, especially parent/child ratio, wants the details on one another's sex lives. Yet, here we are!
When Gerrard's mother returned from the bathroom, his parents jointly sat on the edge of the bed and explained that they would find a way to "cure" their son. Talking to a preacher about available options. In the meantime, Gerrard was to spend his weekends at home 2 hours away from "unserving influences". Sitting there in this moment, Gerrard couldn't find the nerve to tell them of his sexual assault. The knowledge of his sexuality was more shocking than the knowledge of his assault. They would've deemed it as one followed the other. Either way, their family shame would remain the same. His father gave him an ultimatum of an unfinished education. That night, Gerrard made the quiet decision to agree to whatever they had in mind. Build up a wall and just go along with it. Unlike his mother, Gerrard had no way of purging himself. He COULDN'T do it. Instead, he could only cup his hands in prayer and promise God to try harder. He could only stand before his bathroom mirror and rub the sharp edge of a pair of scissors against his Adam's apple, until the blade began to leave marks that would prove difficult to explain. To prevent himself from drowning, Gerrard agreed to his parents' plan. As the weeks passed and the next steps solidified, they would decide if he was to stay in college or if more drastic steps needed to be taken.
Brother Stevens had been a pastor at their church and an associate of Gerrard's father. He had invited Gerrard to the jail ministry; part of a scared straight ploy derised by his father. Despite the hunch, Gerrard still believed Brother Stevens might be right. As they drove, Gerrard's father allied the difference between right/wrong. Natural/unnatural. Accurately, Gerrard hadn't felt truly natural since his handsome neighbor walking his dog down the street wishing he was the one on the leash; but he wasn't going to voice that loudly!
During the discussion, Gerrard's father said the word "friend" sounding cavalier; without a trace of irony of truth! It made Gerrard want to jerk the wheel and crash the fucking car into the nearest building. His father warned that the neighbor probably outed what happened throughout town. This was the very reason why Gerrard avoided public places. This boy, David, didn't live too far from their town, and odds were he'd already outed Gerrard to protect himself. (What a dick!) Gerrard had found out from a mutual friend that he was on academic probation, no one had heard from him on campus for a month, thinking David moved back with his parents. Completely flipping facts making Gerrard out to be a pedophile. Telling people Gerrard tried to seduce him. Gerrard's roommate, Sam, had already decided to move out of their room. Gerrard was now rooming with his friend, Charles, and that was the reason for Sam's sudden departure. There was nothing Gerrard could do but wait out the storm.
Gerrard got to a point to where he didn't realize what was said. He wasn't the one in the wrong. What Gerrard was saying out of his mouth had no recourse. One of those "Falling out of your mouth and can't put them back in again" moments. Once they came out, it sort of snapped everything into FOCUS! Months later, when first meeting with L.I.A. staff, Gerrard would instantly recognize these words as his own. Only Gerrard wouldn't recognize the POWER in those words until they were used against him. Gerrard's father quoted scripture of judging to ease his son of being the better person. Focus on the mission at hand and what matters. Although he was wanting/expecting more, Gerrard turned to his father with no other option. Gerrard's father wondered if his son had any GOOD friends in college; in which he instantly thought of as Charles & Dominique; the town music major whom sang spirituals in the dorm lounge, whom all became fast friends with all 3 of them. Although Gerrard would fear his father's reaction of them based on description. It was becoming an evident fact that Gerrard's personal life and home life were becoming separate entities. After being outed by David, Gerrard was fearful if the 2 were merged. Original sin was a concept that Gerrard and his father KNEW ALL TOO WELL!
Gerrard's father pulled rank w/ the "Honoring" your parents would table conversations. That was EXACTLY what he/Gerrard was doing. Or so Gerrard thought. Gerrard's father took a back road with maple trees on either side focusing his attention away from the heaviness on the interior of the truck. As his father tapped his shoulder for his son's attention, Gerrard raised his rifle and aimed its scope at the space beneath a large doe. As Gerrard fired the gun and a bullet missed, both were tracking through the forest tracing everything back to where it would become impossible to feat its origin.
A week has passed. Gerrard's parents had visited with Brother Stevens while he was away at college, discussing whether or not there was a "cure" for Gerrard's homosexuality. He knew, surprisingly, very little about how L.I.A. was considered to be TOP-TIER #1 in the country. If they couldn't make Gerrard straight - no one could. In order for preparation for L.I.A., they wanted Gerrard to attend some introductory sessions w/ staff-approved therapist. His mother drove him to the counselor's office, Gerrard confessed what he would later learn was his first Moral Inventory. derailing his same-sex attractions in a vague, desexualized language, leaving out all of the stuff about his ex; David, but including as many sexual fantasies that he could recall. When the counselor asked him if he had any relationships, Gerrard confessed about Chloe, about how guilty he'd felt lying through omission. The counselor suggested to Gerrard, in not so many words, to be "honest" for a future w/ God together. Gerrard couldn't say anything. He wanted to confess and spill. . . but feared the outcome. That made Gerrard withdrawn and quiet, and the counselor used this time as an opportunity to preach about the need for TRUE acceptance. When their hour was up, Gerrard's mother asked if she could speak to him alone, and when she came out of the office, her eyes were watery and red. The counselor had told her SOMETHING to convince her. Once they got home, they were taking things one step at a time. They were going to try every option. Becoming silent on the way home.
At the jail 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving, Gerrard's father preached about the importance of courage. REAL men show emotion. REAL men follow religion. As he prepped the church, Gerrard realized that God also showed emotion. As Gerrard prepared to leave, he headed to the kitchen to find his mother and couldn't leave without asking her about the doctor. They wouldn't know anything until the end of the week. The doctor sent for Gerrard to have tests over Christmas break to seeover his testosterone levels . . .and go from there! This was a doctor whom Gerrard had visited for the past 5 years. She always knew how to make Gerrard feel comfortable. Gerrard had left the house that morning in a stupor. He hardly noticed when his parents entered the church. He had hardly heard a word of Brother Stevens' message.
Thanksgiving had ended. Gerrard had returned to college and his mother had been washing dishes. The mail had had come in, but Gerrard's mother feared sorting it due to an upcoming reply from Love-In-Action any time. They also scheduled an appointment to test his testosterone levels. They were taking the steps to "cure" him, but his mother thought they were moving too quick. If only she knew. . .a year ago. Brother Stevens had set things into motion too quickly, telling Gerrard's parents that they needed to act fast or else he might fall into even greater sin whilst away at college. After letting her hands dry and attendance to the mail, Gerrard's mother tended to a stack of envelopes. Therein she found some from Life-In-Action. She tore open the envelope and found a brochure. The brochure had the picture of a familiar looking boy. But. . . .what she noticed were his eyes. His eyes were so sad. They were calling out to her. He wanted to save the boy in the picture. . .but just didn't know how. All these years later, the only thing that was unforgettable were the trapped look in his eyes in a very Picture Of Dorian Gray situation. Something that Gerrard would learn that came with LGBT literature studies. She imagined a boy like this in the brochure. There was order and cleanliness. What could this boy need? Coming from the home he did, how could a boy like this becoming this way? Everything soon became too much at once. The smallest details became her focus. The environment around her was something unfamiliar to her whilst it was common in L.I.A.
Listening back to it. . . .Gerrard realized he could retain what he needed and forget the rest. After realizing this, Gerrard SEEN how much this advice HELPED SO MUCH long after his time at L.I.A. because it came so easy for him to ignore what he once held closely. He had been so heartless without even trying. The trick was to believe that cutting people out of your life was necessary in your development. Like weeding out the weak. Cutting out those whom don't SEE you. That includes Chloe, Brandon, David, his college friends Charles & Dominique and Caleb - the first boy he kissed. Wanting to stop for the night, Gerrard's mother turned off the recorder and waited for his father to join her.
Having Mark's number gave Gerrard such confidence walking tall. Telling people the truth that gets you in trouble. The previous afternoon at L.I.A. whilst working in their Addiction Workbooks, the group was tested on their intensity to sex; which Gerrard had personally very little of, but was still expected to repent. They had to BE HONEST with themselves. What was happening within the group was nothing to what happened prior to L.I.A. One illusion could so stubbornly dictate the way he seen every interaction with the people around him. It was a concept he'd only heard about in one of his all-night reading marathons. With each passing day at the facility, it seemed as though becoming straight was simply a matter of ignoring what you didn't want to see. Next came a choose your own adventure story; Only in this situation, the wrong choice could send you to Hell. The Addiction Workbook made it clear which choice was the right one. The Workbooks gave a '60s arrest scenario. Exiting the gas station bathroom with the mysterious Mark saved in his phone. Gerrard expected half-assed the cold slap of handcuffs against his wrist. Gerrard kind of wanted it. At least a trip to the police station would have saved him from his own lying. Gerrard returned to the car empty handed.
If Gerrard's mother was disappointed, she didn't show it. At 19, Gerrard's father had already married his mother and taken over the family cotton gin, changing the trajectory his life was to take. Now in his mid-50s, he was about to change everything again. Time was running out for Gerrard to turn into his father. Gerrard had yet to make the jump into hetero life, and create something stable. HIS son. HIS life. For awhile, it seemed Gerrard's mother and he had lost themselves in the abundance of all that his father had come to represent for the people around them. While they weren't at fault, they still couldn't stop what was happening. But, they were trying to appease to the church. By L.I.A., standards, it should've been Gerrard's father that turned out gay, since he suffered the most of his childhood. By L.I.A's standards, his father's life made no sense.
When Gerrard was born, after his father/mother held him and just before the nurse took him away to the
nursery, his father had used the sharp point of his hunting knife to gently etch a small zigzag in the bottom of his left foot; a tiny scar that would prove Gerrard was his; a symbol to ensure that the nurses hadn't mixed him up with some other baby. He was a paranoid father fearful to lose another son. Love could come to you even in a room that seemed drained of it. They went to a movie theater that sounded like the soundtrack to the NyQuil ad. Gerrard sat in the back with his roommates. Afterward, his ex-gay therapy sessions at L.I.A.'s neighboring office, began after his trip to jail, felt like a different life. Since his mother kept putting off scheduling his doctor's appointments, since his mother kept putting off scheduling his doctor's appointment, he hadn't had his testosterone checked, but feared he knew the results. Gerrard wanted to keep 2 parts of his life separate - a sense to be one person - while remaining to be a sinner. This secret life pressed against his student life at all times, in the back of his mind, and their moments his student life began to progress. He would be reminded of a world of sin that awaited him. In his secret life, Gerrard was always at L.I.A. Gerrard and his parents had opened themselves up to this hope just when he seemed more lost, accustomed as they were to the habits of faith, and this hope shot them through the tight circuitry of the ex-gay industry to the heart of L.I.A.
nursery, his father had used the sharp point of his hunting knife to gently etch a small zigzag in the bottom of his left foot; a tiny scar that would prove Gerrard was his; a symbol to ensure that the nurses hadn't mixed him up with some other baby. He was a paranoid father fearful to lose another son. Love could come to you even in a room that seemed drained of it. They went to a movie theater that sounded like the soundtrack to the NyQuil ad. Gerrard sat in the back with his roommates. Afterward, his ex-gay therapy sessions at L.I.A.'s neighboring office, began after his trip to jail, felt like a different life. Since his mother kept putting off scheduling his doctor's appointments, since his mother kept putting off scheduling his doctor's appointment, he hadn't had his testosterone checked, but feared he knew the results. Gerrard wanted to keep 2 parts of his life separate - a sense to be one person - while remaining to be a sinner. This secret life pressed against his student life at all times, in the back of his mind, and their moments his student life began to progress. He would be reminded of a world of sin that awaited him. In his secret life, Gerrard was always at L.I.A. Gerrard and his parents had opened themselves up to this hope just when he seemed more lost, accustomed as they were to the habits of faith, and this hope shot them through the tight circuitry of the ex-gay industry to the heart of L.I.A.
Gerrard was asked if he was masking a deeper problem without it. The counselor wondered if Gerrard's sexuality was in any way connected to his parents. Through L.I.A., Gerrard's mother became something less to him. The bond became less than what it was once before between mother/son. Things don't happen overnight and take their time. Patience is a virtuous key; but Gerrard felt it was long overdue. Whilst everyone was talking, Gerrard was mentally exiting their surrounding words.
The more winter gained traction. . .the closer this group became their inseparable clique. In his secret life, the counselor turned to Gerrard and asked him of his first sexual experience. His very first time. Given the circumstances, it wasn't shocking. But, Gerrard felt as though boundaries were being crossed. . .Gerrard seen flashing neon signs of Bullshit. But, he gave it a chance. Settling in for the long haul. Nothing personal gained. Just professional. The counselor showed REAL concern. Gerrard began to tell of his first sexual encounter w/ Brad; a boy on the sports team in junior high. There was an underlining in the modem of questioning. The counselor wanted NON explicit details, which Gerrard divulged. Constitutional and mutual between them both. The story of Gerrard's childhood and his developing sexuality took on new colors and associations. Beneath the shame; the counselor suggested to put an end to his actions/feelings and box them away. Diverting the issue to his college applications.
In his secret life, ex-gay therapy began to cross bear in Gerrard's mind/gut. Not biding well with the food his mother forced him to eat on an empty stomach. His stomach was empty and his mind was full. . .which complicated matters. ALL Gerrard could HEAR was the words lept from therapy living rent-free in his mind. The counselor suggested he attended The Source. If he wasn't doing that, he would try NOT to wrap his head around what his mind was seeing. You can't run from what you are. The counselor never failed to arouse some feelings of guilt in him. Unnecessary guilt. Therapy engulfed him. Gerrard was with his family during Christmas. The doctor's visit had been on Gerard's mother's mind; for the past few weeks. No one wanted to talk about L.I.A., especially his father. Someone had to keep things together.
The doctor wanted Gerrard to return the following week to check his testosterone. Fearing the outcome, Gerrard seen it as a price paid for normalcy. Immensely stressing himself. Hoping the testosterone would solve his problems, hijack his brain in a way prayer and meditation never could. Holidays pass with Gerrard and his mother go a week without talking. The silence worries him. Only months later did Gerrard realize the STRONG impact of his family. How far he has come. . .How far he has to go. . .After a shower, Gerrard began to text his mom. Less than a week later, Gerrard and his mother were in the waiting room. His mom was ANXIOUSLY TALKING! Only then, when being called in to the therapist office did Gerrard's mother have a loss of words; not knowing where to begin. Gerrard KNEW his mom talked to the therapist of her son's sexuality. The therapist warned Gerrard's mother of the "dangers" of having a gay son in the South. Meanwhile, Gerrard kept his head down.
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| What Do You Say? |
Gerrard felt in a point of control of himself. It felt good to not only to feel the past leaving his body. Weight leaving his heart and shoulders. This was a COMPLETELY NEW Gerrard. His mother felt Gerrard was tortured whilst HE felt FREE! Once he gained control of his testosterone levels, he would gain even more control. It was then that the doctor wanted to talk to Gerrard privately. Talking openly about the subject of sexuality wasn't an option in most Arkansas towns like theirs. This was ALL VERY NEW for them. Gerrard's mother FEARED his sexuality would affect his future. You can run, but you CAN'T hide from what you TRULY are. But, Gerrard wasn't running. He faced it HEAD ON! Everything these doctors put him through. You can put perfume on a pig. It still won't smell pretty. Outside of what was going on, the doctor still gave Gerrard a listening ear to talk to!
Gerrard then received a call from Charles. Shooting him a quick response text. Short & sweet. Later that morning, Gerrard agreed to stay home for a few days for his mother's sake; knowing they would be harder on her than him. After Gerrard's first week of therapy, little intricacies began to become menacing. At any other time in life, they would've been in sync. It was telling that Gerrard and his mother never asked anyone to fix their minor problems. Looking back on it, these small problems paled in comparison to the larger ones. That Sunday night, Gerrard snuck out of the hotel room again after midnight to run through the suburban streets. He had to the point of losing time. Gerrard began to show futile anger to God above wondering what he had done to have this bestowment upon him? As he tried to calm himself, Gerrard found he had to grin-and-bear it. Therapy was turning Gerrard into someone he didn't recognize, and he needed to leave L.I.A. with his heart relatively intact.
One thing was certain: Gerrard didn't want to act too quickly and alert the L.I.A. staff of his intentions. Gerrard KNEW it would lead to a parental phone call and becoming an unbreakable cycle. Never knowing who he really was. In his own way, Gerrard was warned of this happening. The important thing was to grin-and-bear. Lie and act you way through it became Gerrard's mantra. It's easier to lie when you believed the lie. While trying to find comfort in the small things, Gerrard began to find the enjoyment in the simple acts of writing. The emotional wear began to show on Gerrard's mother. Gerrard tried to delve deep into his workbooks. There wasn't much to say; only small cues. It was a problem Gerrard was forced to face - being relatively free of sin - but was still a problem.
Gerrard began discussing progress with patients who've been in and surpassed his shoes. There were things he wanted to know about him, but couldn't vocally say. How could he express his truth and dreams without sounding condescending? On the other hand, how could Gerrard express his desire without feeling looked down upon? Gerrard wrote about his fantasies with a coldness he hadn't even known was possible. He didn't even know whom this fantasy was. A silhouette of every boy he ever had a crush on. There was a boy Gerrard did crush on, but kept in distance within the group. When in doubt, go without. After waiting awhile, Gerrard wanted to let his mother in on the therapy lingo, and test it out on her for reaction.
Throughout this exercise, Gerrard found insight onto his family history; beginning wit his grandfather.
The more Gerrard thought of his genetics line, the more L.I.A.'s logic began to break down, and he wanted his mother present when it happened. Gerrard's mother felt a dash of interrogation. The point of the drill was to exercise the futility in childhood trauma. At a certain point, Gerrard's mother wanted the 2 of them to venture out for food for escapism. Gerrard wondered if his father ever fought to leave home. It was better not to ask. Exiting for adventure, you could FEEL the tension release on the road. Making the impossible possible. It wasn't bailing; just a break. Making their own memories.
The more Gerrard thought of his genetics line, the more L.I.A.'s logic began to break down, and he wanted his mother present when it happened. Gerrard's mother felt a dash of interrogation. The point of the drill was to exercise the futility in childhood trauma. At a certain point, Gerrard's mother wanted the 2 of them to venture out for food for escapism. Gerrard wondered if his father ever fought to leave home. It was better not to ask. Exiting for adventure, you could FEEL the tension release on the road. Making the impossible possible. It wasn't bailing; just a break. Making their own memories.
Gerrard often thought of the life his parents shared before he was born. His father was a quarterback. His mother was the cheerleader. They were the IT couple. Then, there was Gerrard; the boy of their dreams. It was hard NOT to see the disappointment for their otherwise perfect union in their child's eyes. Just that morning, Gerrard was suggested to put themselves in the path of their parents followed. Put yourselves in your parents shoes. What made Gerrard's father take the road of faith he had taken. Crumple the first half of the story and toss it in the trash; all else is distraction. Whom was Gerrard before L.I.A.? A 19-yr-old whose second skin was writing, third was humor and the rest was dubbed in sarcasm. You remove the layers, Gerrard would no longer feel safe from the threat of suicide. According to L.I.A.'s logic, the only option was to convert.
At a mother/son dinner, Gerrard began to see his mother outside of her title. He began to SEE whom she is as her own person. He wanted to hold on and capture this moment between them. It was then that Gerrard realized he was part of a much larger mystery - and his mother had given him all of this the minute he was born. Gerrard and his mom attempted to keep up with their L.I.A. literature. It had turned to March. They were putting the world on hold to finish what they started. Thinking about the BIG picture post L.I.A., what would be of a career of Gerrard couldn't change whom he was. His parents wouldn't pay for his education and he felt REAL UNCERTAIN of the future. In order to calm his mind at times, Gerrard imagined his mattress was underneath him to catch his fall for protection. Gerrard was supposed to submit his supplemental essays electronically, his mother had decided to complete the primary L.I.A. application for him rather than mail it. Gerrard had stopped going home due to the atmosphere being uncomfortable. The process seemed endless, and they were required to attach a recent photo of him to the application. along with an $80.00 fee.
Taking a deep breath, Gerrard was asked of his involvement with others physically. Gerrard founded a "dumb fuck guy lie". He KNEW THE TRUTH, but wasn't confessing to his mother. He was GLAD his mother didn't ask him about wanting physical involvement with other people. (Take it from me. . . it's embarrassing) He lied. . .out of embarrassment due to the line of questioning. (Put yourself in Gerrard's shoes.) When she delved into deeper questioning. When he didn't answer immediately, there was a checklist for Gerrard to choose from. He tried to find a pattern in the line of questioning; but Gerrard fell flat. He heard the questions from his mom. . .but he also heard the loneliness in the quiet. (The quieter you try to be. . .the louder you actually are!) It felt strange to even hear his mother say certain words. After what felt like an endless barrage of questions, Gerrard felt exposed.
April had passed and Gerrard had had a quiet 19TH birthday party with a few friends. In May, the school year was ending and he had less than a month to go before he was to attend L.I.A. For only a moment, it seemed like the only thing that bonded Gerrard and his mother was their love of literature. Start a strong lead and carry on. What became of shooting the shit became Gerrard & Caleb kissing. For once, Gerrard didn't care whom was watching. Kissing with nothing more. Just laying together and listening to the audio in the room as the sunset outside drew near. They wanted to stay in bed together. But, the morning schedule wasn't on their side. In talks, they were creating a language for themselves. Gerrard HAD TO get up before he was late. (We've all been there.) How could Gerrard encapsulate words in these moments of joy & happiness?
Watching Caleb, it was inspirational to see him talk about God in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT aspect than Gerrard. While Gerrard felt like it was FORCED upon him. . .it was great to see it embraced by choice. He wondered the fairness of it all; which put Gerrard on the defense. While Caleb was lax and chill with his religion. . .due to his upbringing, Gerrard felt tight and stiff in his. Gerrard took a good, pure afterglow moment and perceived to piss on it aggravating Caleb. Fearing he'd be late for class and Caleb's yearn for him to stay, Gerrard was caught in the middle. A year in Gerrard's life had gone completely undocumented. Grateful for it in a year they would rather forget. Who was the boy he was was completely different than the man he became.
One of many of L.I.A.'s assumptions was that their sexuality's deviated from some sort of abuse or neglect. As if sexuality would change the family pattern that repeats. Gerrard tried remembering the moment when everything changed between himself and his parents. He was given a history lesson of what he would one day stand to inherit from his father. A greater appreciation for his isolation. While the process of accommodation takes time, Gerrard never expected his father to accept every shifting detail of his life overnight. . .nor he for him. This was something L.I.A. could NEVER understand. That afternoon, a group circle meeting convened at L.I.A.
It was in that meeting that Gerrard was pressed of questions about his father. How did Gerrard feel on the inside about his father? What became of conversation became tough role play within the group. He wanted to tell the group that there were things he would NEVER understand about his father. But, he loved him. The group pushed Gerrard to feel anger. But, he was NOT angry at his father. Gerrard was HELLBENT on NOT backing down from this group. Though he did keep his eyes on the dorway of the auditorium. Everyone in the group wanted Gerrard to RELEASE ANGER where there wasn't any. He slowly paced himself backing away until he reached the EXIT sign. Telling Gerrard that if he walked out...no cure awaited him.
Each step Gerrard took was an exercise in freedom. But, he wasn't leaving without his phone. The receptionist dug his phone out from a pile and handed it to him. Gerrard IMMEDIATELY called his mother; pleading for her help. Gerrard and his mother were quiet on the way home after she responded to him via phone call. They didn't know how to explain things to one another they couldn't understand themselves. Gerrard's anxiety arose in his chest. He had to take a stand before history repeats itself. It was like something SNAPPED. Gerrard began to STRESSFULLY become ill. He wanted the obliveration of every nerve connected to his skin.
Gerrard's mother pulled over in a panic. After several minutes of trying, Gerrard gave up. Calming his anxiety with closed eyes. His mother feared Gerrard was going to kill himself. What came out of his mouth was an animal cry. Gerrard lodged his knees into his chest and pressed his side against the passenger door. Gerrard's mother took this as a yes. She put being a MOTHER first. She put her SON first. Gerrard had the benefit of KNOWING it. He was ALIVE! All that mattered. A mother knows when something's not right. After EVERYTHING that happened, Gerrard wondered the REALITY of it all? How did her survive it?
What Gerrard lived through could've had a WORSE outcome. On some days, it was hard to believe he lived in a world that operated on SUCH EXTREMES of self-annihilation. After turning on the news, Gerrard realized he lucked out compared to others; but still the same. What Gerard couldn't understand was HOW every person involved became mixed in the ex-gay movement. What in the hell drew them to Love-In-Action's doors? Gerrard took a mental trip dumbfounded to find a reason why? Always, Gerrard traces it back to his father. There had to be something mentally wondering why? Why would Gerrard's father put him through this?
Gerrard was lying in his bed in a tiny apartment in Auburn, AL. 2 years into a master's degree in creative writing. Looking back, Gerrard couldn't believe this private shame was made public. Gerrard felt protective of this information. The tone of the This American Life; this voice Gerrard had tried to forget reached to declare a TRUTH that he thought would NEVER come to fruition and deny. A TRUTH that has only gotten BETTER with time. This was only the beginning of many public apologies. It will take YEARS before Gerrard finds the STRENGTH to finish the pages of his own story. Going home won't feel like home. It'll take time. Years later, when Gerrard informed his father on the publication of THIS BOOK; is something he HAD TO write. He NEEDED to FIND Himself. In the end, he wanted for Gerrard to find happiness. Hard-to-believe, Gerrard will inevitably believe his father.
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