End Of 2022

 To Whom It May Concern:

For those who checked out, read and commented on my blog posts within this past year, I want to GENUINELY Thank You. While some stories were planned...others were a run-of-the-mill "gem" of a read. This year's reading's were ones that would've been more if life of the year didn't complicate matters themselves. It wasn't the books that took time, it was the time-frame in which to be able to read. The reason why books were so short this year were because of something I've lived through multiple times throughout my ENTIRE life...the loss of a transplant that I mentioned in 2015...It wasn't the loss of the transplant that put me back on dialysis, I've LIVED that...but it was the time in which to read these books that plagued me. 

So, for those of you that checked in with this blog and commented...

I want to GENUINELY THANK YOU to EVERYONE who read, checked out and commented on this blog...

The Best Thing About My Ass Is That It's Behind Me. . .

This next book was written by someone that is a GENUINE Bad-Ass CLASSIC Lady. While some may forget who she is and what she's done. . .I never did. That one friend you didn't know you NEEDED. Stories from her own life. Owning them and moving on. This is the story from learning the HARD way. In only a way she can, this is the REAL story of actress, comedienne and ALL AROUND Bad-Ass ORIGINAL; Lisa Ann Walter.

At the age of 8, Lisa Ann learned how easy it was to be/get duped and gyp'd. With the help of Easy-Bake Oven and Skinny Bitch Barbie; Lisa Ann adored the doll. She presumed that would be her when she was older. Lisa Ann liked her Barbie; but she loved her Easy Bake Oven. Those 2 toys would become the catalyst of her life. The Easy Bake gave Lisa Ann the cooking bug. A lifelong foodie from there. That toy gave Lisa Ann the power to create what she wanted. By 13, Lisa Ann was in control for cooking ALL holiday family dinners. After her parents divorce and no one took an interest, Lisa Ann did at 13. Working both sides of the aisle using recipes from both parents. We are all subjected to genetic dispositions. Lisa Ann being Italian! When love is food and food is love. Italians don't miss an opportunity  to connect food with 3 things.

- Family

- Celebrations

 - God

The first time Lisa Ann cooked for her Jewish former in-laws, she prepared for a week for the meal, They ate it in 20 minutes and Lisa Ann's ex-mother--n-law jumped in to begin cleaning in post-feast. Lisa Ann thought they hated it. Turns out it was accustomed to their enjoyment. Lisa Ann was NEW and didn't know. She wasn't used to it. You cannot fight a  "need to feed". When Lisa Ann lost 40 LBS at the age of 13 and looked "normal", she was full after the first course. Her grandmother, who is Sicilian, began crying. And the family force-fed Lisa to calm down her grandmother. Italian mothers are like food pushers. They get you hooked on the entryway dishes. You belong to the family. You'll want their food to rest in your life that high.

All of the kids in the neighborhood were growing up without fathers due to divorce sweeping the nation. Overnight; men/fathers had a different perspective. Lisa Ann's mom had suffered a lot that year. Losing a mother to Leukemia, and losing her husband to abandonment 6 months later. On the night that Lisa Ann's dad lived at home, she and her sisters heard their mom scream something about killing herself and heard a scuffle. They make their way down a hill and to the kitchen in time to see a butcher knife high above herself; ready to plunge it into the heart. Then Lisa's dad knocked her down and the knife out of her hand. To say it was terrifying is an understatement. He left that night to an apartment he previously rented. The next day he picked up Lisa Ann and her sister at school and took them to McDonald's and bought them fries. And cried. Both were singular events in their lives. Picked up, middle of the day. . . by their dad. .  .and he cried. The french fries were a bonus with what preceded them.

He then dropped Lisa Ann and her sisters off at home where their mom answered the door with huge, puffy eyes - one of them black. Lisa Ann knew the back-and-forth routine with her dad. Lisa Ann KNEW he was leaving. Her mom thought it was only temporary; but Lisa KNEW it was permanent. She was 9. Her mom became too damaged to function for the next few years. Lisa's mom was truly down-on-her-luck. She didn't know how to be without a guy. Lisa Ann's mom was fucked over by men, yet didn't know how to live without one. As things got worse for her emotionally, Lisa's mom began to binge-drink. A few time she would wake the kids up in the middle of the night to sweep the entirety of their dresser tops on to the floor in a crash while YELLING of the cleanliness of the house and yank them out of bed to clean up the mess. This was NOT the mom that Lisa Ann knew and loved. She KNEW her mom was in trouble. 

Life became hell in-of-itself for Lisa Ann due to a cycle of school and the playground and her size as a child. A home life where Lisa could run free from her mom and her own life's drama. After all, Lisa Ann and her sister had to hear it enough. They won't get relief from their mom's ranting when she goes out on dates. Lisa Ann was raised verbatim on the entire Carol Burnette sketches. Lisa Ann was trained in comedy by these shows. Learning she could be funny, Lisa Ann thought she could stop or evade her mom's rages. So, in other words, a coping mechanism inspired by her career choice. The universe gives you stuff. . Not all in a pretty package. Lisa Ann's package was family and comic timing.

Lisa Ann's dad first seen a problem with his daughter at home. He seen there was something wrong with the way she looked and took her to her first Weight Watchers meeting. Lisa Ann didn't notice at first, but it was noticeably real quick when she was out front of the place. It became clear that her dad saw something his little girl didn't. After hundreds of times of hearing from her mom, Lisa Ann finally put the WW plan into motion. After hearing it from her dad, Lisa Ann learned she would not be the one who was left for size. Her dad took Lisa Ann. Not her sister, Laura. Just Lisa Ann. And paid special attention to her. She mentioned the attention from her dad as a motive to lose weight.He tried to help her due to being in her shoes at the same age/weight. It wasn't until she was THERE at the location of the WW, NOW she was seeing why she was getting special attention from her dad in the middle of the week. Listening to her dance of songs in the car, he could've told her of appointments and lied. Lisa Ann would've been cool. So, she took the incentive of her father's love to lose weight. Give her attention just as she was funny. Or the attention her father gave his new wife. Get them and they are beautiful as well. Lisa Ann began to truly believe her mom was right. She could diet herself into her dad and other men wanted. And thus a comic is born! So, when they pulled into the parking lot onto the site of WW, Lisa Ann's dad trickingly rushed her to a meeting and they left her there until it was over.

Lisa Ann stuck to the meetings and information like glue. The following time Lisa stuck to it, she lost weight and gained praise. Lisa Ann's 12-yr-old brain swam in the successes of weight loss, the paternal attention. . .and now anonymous masses. It was Lisa Ann's first go at stand-up. She was able to have grown-up approval, laughing and applauding her. Lisa Ann felt like a pre-teen Rhoda Morganstern. Still she lost weight. Lisa Ann lost 40 LBS. at Weight Watchers in-between 7TH & 8TH grade. She came back with a pre-teen body and a whole lot of male attention. 

College is the place we begin to define ourselves. We stop being someone's child and start meaningfully being responsible for our own damage to ourselves. It's both liberating and scary. It's the birthplace of both freedoms .  and bad habits. Lisa Ann went to THE Catholic University Of America. A college she chose due to their drama department. . . or so it said. When Lisa Ann got there, females outweighed their counterparts. So, what did they learn? The CLASSICS from Greek-to-Shakespeare. What they ALL had in common were an all male cast. 20 pacts for men-to-every females. . .henceforth cross-dressing. Without the full occupancy of the acting thing, Lisa Ann had plenty of time to explore other locations. The Dining Hall where Lisa Ann and everyone else indulged. Suddenly, Lisa Ann's designer jeans were harder-to-zip. Moderation was never Lisa Ann's strong suit. She lived excessively in college. Then something happened. . . The on-set of what would become an eating disorder of bulimia. Notice how women are giving "do/have-it-all" speeches? But, not men? Pretending like fucktard guy's sexual fantasy just to please him is fucking stupid. College is to free and young; but don't be a fucktard to some dumbass guy.

Lisa Ann met her first husband, Sam, during a stage production of A Streetcar Named Desire after graduating college. Sam was Stanley and Lisa Ann was Stella. There were no expectations to/outside the play. From waiting tables on Cape Cod and living together, then moving to Jersey so they could both "make it" in New York City. What happens in time happens . . .Lisa is pregnant. Lisa Ann had to grow up quick. The whole process was a shock. You can prep all you want during your pregnancy. . .until it's time! Lisa Ann was incredibly happy. . . with Demerol as a helper. Lisa Ann was poor, married, and a mom within a year of becoming an adult. They moved from a studio-ish apartment in downtown Jersey City with a rooftop and a lanai view of the Hudson River to the suburb of Summit, New Jersey.

Lisa Ann spent the days pushing her baby, Jordan, is his stroller up to "town" being a mom and running errands. . . bossing up! post C-Section.. Lisa Ann was coming home from running errands, getting out of breath going up hills due to the anesthesia; Lisa Ann's stomach HURT! She was still 2 blocks from home. She was huffing/puffing when she was vehicularly verbally assaulted and laughed at. It took Lisa Ann awhile for her brain to catch up to what happened.  

Lisa Ann was stop-tracked, red-faced and stunned. She had gotten used to using overtly sexuality, humor, and bravado to mask hurt. She spent years comparing her worth to avoid nasty judgment by staving herself into contemptment. What do they say differs from what I say about myself? College crowds were never Lisa Ann's favorite due to their stupidity and they're spoiled. Lisa Ann had to grow up quick and college kids are assholes. A career that was launched with a Showtime At The Apollo gig 6 months after her first gig where she turned a "BOOED" around upside down with a humorous smart-ass remark. She only used serious heckling infractions as a rule for a last resort. You can only take so much until it blows up! A release of pent-up responses to humiliation from years of teasing, mean-spirited criticism disguised as good-natured ribbing. Not regretting it one bit was the start of the groundswell movement.

Lisa Ann and Sam would wait tables well into her stand-up career. Trading off parental shifts and jobs. They did this until they could afford NOT to. No big deal. Working 3 jobs; plus a show was what she had done since she was 16. So life continued to run with errands, waitressing, nursing, self-loathing, cancer-stagnant - an endless run for 6 months or so. Lisa Ann "happened" to read by reaching the top shelf  to the back closet and rifled through boxes 'til she found why she loved him MORE than he loved her in his journal. While her ex was thrilled to be a dad; Life among himself was struggling with his own sexual identity. Which Lisa Ann promptly confronted him with and he utterly denied. A decent marriage for a bit of years, although it was obvious that he had loved their children without condition or restraint - Lisa Ann felt less like a mate and more of a mother. Lisa Ann HATES being the boss in the relationship. This wasn't even Lisa Ann's first foray into gay. She lost her virginity to a man who turned out to be gay, but didn't know it at the time. . .neither did he. Lisa Ann was 17 and just didn't understand.

Even with the loss of a great guy that Lisa Ann lost her virginity to, she is completely supportive of the same guy and is still great friends with. Lisa Ann fell in love with her first husband in the parking lot of the theater one night of rehearsals for Streetcar. Lisa Ann was way smitten and thought he was talented, cute & sexy. They had great road trips up/down the East Coast and started a family much, much earlier than others. If it wasn't for Sam, Lisa Ann wouldn't have a career. He believed in her and pushed her when she didn't believe in herself and became her manager. Lisa Ann was NEVER angry at her ex. She could finally integrate what she read in his journal to how she partly felt loved by him. It was becoming sensically clear. She wasn't angry. . .how could she be?

Lisa Ann stayed with Sam for a long time after he came out to her. She feared the mental welfare of her kids repeating the parental pattern with Lisa Ann being a child of divorce. She finally moved out after 2 years of separate sleeping quarters. Because Whoopi Goldberg said she should. That's NOT a bullshit lie. They did Lisa Ann's first big studio movie together - Eddie and got to know one another and their lives on/off the screen together. Whoopi was straight up with Lisa and told her the truth, Lisa Ann took what Whoopi said at face value and moved out. Whoopi nursed her back from the last heartbreak. Lisa Ann called her, crying hysterically. Whoopi told Lisa Ann to drive straight to her. She did. Whoopi fed her. They went to a spinning class and listened to Whitney Houston's It's Not Right...But It's Okay. Lisa Ann would be that friend for Whoopi to help bury a body. 

Lisa Ann had a great time being a mom actually. They were the only couple with a child. She had nothing to compare it to. She and her kids were fun for everyone and she took them everywhere. They included the kids and it enhanced the fun. She would take Jordan into the city and meet Sam in the city and the 3 of them would take a showcase production one of their friends in and watch it with the baby right there with them. Jordan wasn't a noisemaker. He was pretty convenient. They can also run/jump for you when the next one comes. One thing is that NO MATTER how good you are as a parent; you fail somewhere. Even though you love the fuck out of your kids, they don't come with a snooze button. Lisa Ann raised her kids and didn't let the spoils of L.A.ruin them. Lisa Ann didn't know of a "push present" until a girlfriend of hers informed her that something like that existed. She then looks at Sam, in a pissed off way...Where's Mine?

Lisa Ann can handle shit in the morning. She can handle and be the best little suburban mom in the morning. At dinnertime, it's a whole 'nother  story. Angels in the day. . .devils in the evening. No one ever tells you of the half-ass shit it takes from all activity to another to have it all done. They don't tell you of the nitty-gritty shit-climbing stuff you do for your kids' happiness. Every time you let one of your children down, your heart dies. Because the main thing that you're not prepped for is how much you fucking love them. The minute she held Jordan, it was all worth it. From the moment Lisa Ann sang The Beatles' Blackbird to him. . Lisa Ann found out how much she could feel. You're never prepared for how much you love them. Lots of fun surprises. 

Now, Lisa Ann has 4 kids. She had 2 with the first husband. Now, you even out the score to prevent jealousy among exes. (Men Math!) The twins are like the energy of 10x. They're nuts. In payback, if you're going to embarrass your kids in public any/at all, go all the way. As parents, as our children get older, it's part of our jobs to just embarrass the shit out of them. Lisa Ann is not just a mother. She's an SUV hair blowing in the wind-music with kids blaring out the window kind of mom. Unbeknownst to Lisa, you're not allowed to dance in front of your teenage children. Especially, if their friends come over.

When Lisa Ann was a kid, she was never thrown a bone for being funny. It got her in trouble a lot. Lisa Ann memorized every line of "blue" comedy albums by LEGENDARY ICONS from George Carlin and Richard Pryor. Lisa Ann would repeat the filthiest parts to her mom and the divorce and her mom's resignation from Catholicism. By the time Lisa Ann got to high school, it was apparent that funny meant "laughing like dumbass girl for a guy". So, every morning before school, while sneakingly hiding her trampy shirts under school clothes from her mother, whom was known to claim some of her daughter's clothes from trips to the laundry. Finally, Lisa Ann was wise enough to hand wash her "delicates". She would try to act the part she wanted to pull off but would blow it by a 2ND period.

After moving to New York for stage work, Lisa Ann learned that casting directors generally don't come to your apartment and invite you to have an acting career. Since she was convinced that she'd never get a job through auditioning until losing 20LBS. . .which never happened. . .Lisa Ann was talked into trying stand-up comedy by some of her best friends from college. Given Lisa Ann's talent for being loved and obnoxious would be brilliant! Since she already gave birth before, stand-up comedy would be easy. Lisa Ann's friends' set her up with a performance date and Lisa Ann could NOT backout/cancel. Her friend went with her first open mic and forced her to get her ass onstage. There was no one to make Lisa Ann say/do anything that she didn't say to herself or wasn't already said. That way, you can improve by putting yourself in the act. Lisa Ann got noticed. It got her tons of work. She went from a 6-minute set from writing material and performing it at house parties for the better part of a year to performing around Manhattan. The first 6 minutes became 22 minutes because Lisa Ann killed it. Lisa Ann realized she was truly gifted and good at it. She was in the middle of sets between people  within 4 months and a national spotlight on Showtime At The Apollo. enjoyed making people laugh. She is extremely smart and picked up how to work a set, where to add tags, crafty callbacks. . .the mile of 3 in comedy law! She dressed as she would normally dress, and Lisa Ann rocked it. She was different because what a guy decked out. . .she gave back right at them. (Just being one of the guys.) The bullshit she received by men fueled her comedy. While Lisa Ann was a guy's gal, it sucks to get hit on by men who think it's complimentary to be an asshole. It's more funny when you can turn the crowd on the asshole. Men see themselves as the ONLY judges who dictate what's funny. What do Men know? They're fucking moron idiots.

When Lisa Ann was working at the clubs, no matter what she did, there was no foot in the door. . .even though a woman was there in company, Sherry Lansing. The stories that they tired and worn out. Funny? NO! Lisa Ann continued to be her brand of funny. She NEVER traded sex for comedy. She was already rebooked.

Lisa Ann's career has become one to remember. She tends to connect the memorable moments of her career with the friends she's made, and kept during that particular film. Some jobs wanted Lisa Ann to be of a certain weight. . .Whether it's up/down. Lisa Ann's very first job came as a result of a few stand-ups that had TV shows built around their "voice". Since the basis of Lisa Ann's act as the basis of her life - that of a harried and stressed working mother who balanced career, family, relationships - Lisa Ann was tapping and reflecting multiple women in America. Women like Lisa Ann and Leah Marie Remini that are a RELATABLE girlfriend. Lisa Ann remembers when the gifted and good friend Margaret Cho were in talks of an ABC pilot; but had to back out due to the network wanting to change her image. Why would networks change what they want? Why call you if you're not right for your image? But, in the meantime, lots of attention and money were being thrown at Lisa Ann for being cute. Lisa Ann got her first in a series of trainers who got fresh -  some doughnuts to the point of molestation. Lisa Ann doesn't have a great track record with trainers and she'll just stick to dancing or something more rhythmic anyway.  

Lisa Ann did her first feature film in the Whoopi Goldberg basketball movie; Eddie; she was the funny over-the-top slutty friend. Lisa Ann didn't care for the role she had. The part was similar to the fat, funny friend. As long as Whoopi was there with her with her Whoopi way. From this film, Lisa Ann shared stories from those whom would have an effect on her.

From that, it led to, what I personally will and forever love Lisa Ann for,  the ABC short-lived sitcom Life's Work, which ran for 1 pretty damn good season. It followed Roseanne during her final season in the 90s. With Roseanne in the lead, it was what inspired Lisa Ann to do that type of program. They had great ratings. #1 in their time slot. Especially since she had her co-creator, Warren Bell. This was a very painful & intense  time for Lisa Ann. This was the year that her husband came out of the closet to her. With the whirlwind of what happened, Lisa Ann's LIFE drama surrounded her experience with success. She sabotaged herself with excessive drinking. Lisa Ann was self-medicating her fears - and what they would do with production TV at the time in those days. So surely, Lisa Ann was not operating at her high-best level. And now, she truly regrets not getting to enjoy the experience as she should. It was during the production of The Parent Trap that Lisa Ann had just quit drinking a few months prior and discovered Marie Callender pies.

The Parent Trap is probably the character, Chessie, and the movie that Lisa Ann is BEST KNOWN for.  (Although I personally have loved Lisa Ann since Life's Work.) The Parent Trap. She is forever grateful for that movie. Elaine Hendrix, whom played the mean girlfriend, Meredith, sparked what would become a GENUINE lifelong friendship. She is still friends with Simon Kuntz, whom played Martin the butler, whom is still a good friend. Natasha Richardson was a TRUE GENUINE CLASSIC of a LADY! Dennis Quaid was TRULY loving and supportive. Nancy Myers was a TRULY GREAT director. Lisa Ann was convinced she lost her lust for comedic chops. Dennis came over to her armchair. Lisa Ann was ASSURED that she was GREAT with a great positive talk/outlook. There would be times when Lisa Ann would just feel HORRIBLE about herself and life in general. From where she is to where she was was an exhausting road and it showed.

Lisa Ann wound up feeling a lot happier in this wardrobe than any production at this point. Lisa wanted to write Whoopi and tell her that she was right about the Birkenstocks. They were freeing. It was truly freeing to dress and be comfy without trying to overcompensate. But, getting to that point wasn't easy. One day when Lisa Ann was tired in her trailer at 7:00A, she was getting bitched at by production. Lisa Ann was staring at herself in her makeup mirror, teary-eyed and self-loathing. Dennis Farina had come up behind her. Lisa Ann didn't know it. Unbeknownst to her, Dennis was very aware of Lisa Ann's state of being. He put his arms around from behind, looked over her shoulder into the mirror in front of them and gave her the MOST COMFORTING words Lisa Ann could hear in that moment right then. You have NO IDEA what Dennis did/said that completely lifted her spirits up. Lisa Ann would catch a charge and kill for that man, Dennis. The cast and executives behind the show were one of the most loving, supportive and fun groups she ever had the pleasure of working with. Not only did Lisa Ann work with a good friend, Sherri Shepard, everyone else became like family. From the top - Linda Bloodworth-Thompson and her husband, Harry - down to the staff of actors.

Sherri and Lisa Ann go WAY BACK. She first met Sherri when Lisa Ann was the MC for a big gala show for a charity event.  It was Lisa's 3RD year. She loved going and had a bunch of friends there. It was there that Lisa Ann met her 2ND husband; the twins' dad. The man who was behind the "perfect storm" that ULTIMATELY led to Lisa Ann having had ENOUGH. That was the catalyst behind Dance Your Ass Off. So, give your thanks to him! Lisa Ann wasn't born a bitch. Men have made her this way. . .so fuck them! Lisa Ann hosted the event, showcasing unknown comics at the time. Sherri Shepard being one of them and full of sass, lighthearted and self-depricating humor. Lisa Ann advised her immediately. They continued their friendship throughout the years; talking on the phone and seeing each other at comedy gigs. Lisa Ann has had the great fortune of working with the BEST that had GREAT attitudes.

Lisa Ann knew what she needed to do to healthfully take care of herself. She just didn't do it. She was being a blowhard about it. Sherri would ask Lisa Ann of her weight regiment. She told her she just didn't eat. Lisa Ann told Sherri the truth . . .but not the truth. To show Sherri a true appetite for Lisa Ann; she took her through a tour of Little Italy and Chinatown, then they tried to walk back to their hotel. She told Sherri that the way Lisa Ann made the working mom/cooking healthy they happen was to cook all that was good-for-her stuff on Sunday night and put in plastic containers to be ready for the week. So that neither of them starved. This led to various trips to Costco. What you see with Sherri is exactly what you get. They had a BLAST marauding their way through the aisles at the store. Causing trouble and knocking shit completely over. Lisa Ann taught Sherri how to shop properly with money. After laying things out from the store, Lisa Ann then proceeded with cooking. Asian chicken with vegetables, oatmeal breakfast cookies, brown rice, steak salad with a meatloaf - while Sherri sat at the island in Lisa Ann's kitchen. Played with her kids, gossiped and hung out with Lisa Ann and her friends. Sherri then took the food and the containers home. Lisa Ann was taken care of previously from Sherri's during a deep depression that Lisa Ann was going through.   

The most weight Lisa Ann put on outside of pregnancy was in the film; Shall We Dance. She was asked to gain weight.  Lisa Ann was so excited to be cast in that movie. She auditioned the month before. They stalked her agent for weeks. The audition went well though it was made worse due to Lisa Ann being against the type that the director wanted. On top of that, it was HOT & sweaty. Lisa Ann was getting yelled at the entire way there to the audition by her ex-husband.  

Lisa Ann did a fine job with the material, held everyone up for their audition due to being asked to do it a few more times; makes a great address to the director. After impressing her ass off at the audition, Lisa Ann got back in the car with her ex, the twins, got yelled at for the rest of the afternoon, went back home and got into bed  to fight off a husband-inducing migraine. The next morning, the phone rang, so much that she had to finally answer it. Lisa Ann got a call back. She needed 20 minutes to get herself ready. After he arrived and waited for an hour, Miramax had seen Lisa Ann's tape. She was a front runner and had to go to a dance callback the following day. She was warned she might wuss out. Lisa Ann didn't care. . .she hasn't taken a ballroom class  since she taught them when she was 17. She was going to spend the weekend studying 6-7 hours a day/Monday-Friday. Lisa Ann nailed it with a smile on her face. Lisa Ann was told months later, when she was practicing and on a dance hold, it looked like she was having the time of her life dancing for the audition. Richard Gere was looking at her tapes, and saw Lisa Ann 's big cheesy smile. He KNEW she was the one for the part.

Lisa Ann had to eat over 10,000 calories to maintain the weight due to multiple hours of dance rehearsals a day. She had to get over her natural inclination to feel like a bad, guilty person. It was the role of her lifetime - meeting wonderful people who are still her friends while doing it. Tony Dovolani and others prior to their Dancing With The Stars success. Lisa Ann just had to get good enough to not depend on Richard Gere. Richard was exceptional. He took care of Lisa Ann in so many ways, including shoeing off the press crew that happened to be there the day they shot the scene where Lisa Ann's shirt was ripped off during the competition. Lisa Ann went back one and Richard saw Lisa Ann and asked if she was okay. Richard Gere took care of the situation and alleviated Lisa Ann of the crying body trauma. From that, Lisa Ann would forever love and kill for that man. Lisa Ann had an incredible and unbelievably thrilling creative experience that her husband was ruining. Years later, when Lisa Ann confronted him, he wanted to know how she knew. He accustomed to blameshift her due to her working dalliance with Tony Dovolani from Dancing. Lisa Ann assured him of what goes in/on with the dancing process and what it took emotionally to make it work for TV. Nothing happened outside of a professional relationship with Lisa Ann & Tony. . .but she wished it had. When it came to her ex. . .the quote of "those whom protest too much. . .but in another direction."  

Lisa Ann got both jobs from Nip/Tuck and Drillbit Taylor due to the porn blonde hair extensions slut-do and mom-o-rexic divorce revenge figure. Lisa Ann KNEW her looks got her those jobs. Although the jobs were off from the aforementioned ways Lisa Ann  was perceived to be on-screen. The challenge of putting on weight for a movie - especially when you're not as famous as others, is that this particular business tries to pigeonhole you. Once Lisa Ann was thin, she was called in to be "ingenious fat funny friend" and was too skinny for that!  Nancy Meyers called Lisa Ann in to play one of Mel Gibson's secretaries in her movie; What Women Want, and she had just gotten done with starving herself and exercising herself into a size 2 for pilot season. Lisa Ann was to read for the part several times, then another part and another. Finally, Lisa Ann was able to read for the part of the psychiatrist -  a part that went to the LEGENDARY Bette Midler. 

While Lisa Ann was auditioning, a picture of her was held up from The Parent Trap era and THAT was what they wanted! Meant as a complete compliment, but Lisa Ann was just unemployed. It really was just a question of staying viable long enough to get so old that they don't connect with what they've known. If you're too old for the image of sex. . .then it doesn't matter.  Through it all, Lisa Ann has been lucky enough to make lifelong friends all of whom have eaten holiday meals at her house due to the dicey relationships most actors have with their families anyway. That is why they became actors. Damage. Why go to a restaurant when you can have Lisa Ann's home cooking? She's got kids. She's already cooking. . .so what the hell? Friends from high school all the way to co-stars she's worked with TODAY!

When Lisa Ann was a teenager, she never felt threatened by having gorgeous friends. She was the short, curvy girl flanked by a gang of supermodel-looking high school juniors. Lisa Ann didn't care. Because he danced all night. Some of her friends are ones she talks to every day, lived at her house after break-ups and came to family events/holidays. Like Elaine Hendrix from The Parent Trap. They met on their first day on location and talked for 3 hours straight during their first dinner. Which spilled into hanging in her room afterwards, taking fun photos while bored on-set - which led to co-writing a movie and a true lifelong friendship where they shared their lives. Lisa Ann has had various, multiple friends, many of whom have enjoyed stardom, male (and female) adoration, spreads in various magazines. All struggles within friendships all have the momentum of standing in the mirror and FACING the people we are. 

In the end, Lisa Ann said it herself. . ."I'm not a celebrity. . .I'm Celebrity Adjacent."  Lisa Ann Walter took time from her successes and raised her children. Once she was able to return to work, in 2021, Lisa Ann was able to successfully return with the ABC sitcom Abbott Elementary with Lisa Ann as no-nonsense say-it-like-you-mean-it ball-buster Melissa Schemmetti. (While this show is a COMPLETE success from Executive Producer/Creator, Quinta Brunson....let's face it; Lisa Ann Walter is what makes this show the HIT that it is...so thank you to Quinta and especially Lisa Ann Walter herself.)   

This video of Lisa Ann is EXACTLY what made me LOVE her. Why I wanted to read her book.

 What I couldn't describe in this video... Lisa Ann did it for me.

  

A Very Punchable Face

 This next book was written by one truly bad-ass comedian and writer. From his HUMBLE beginnings in Staten Island, he defied the type. Working his way from Harvard alumni to head writer at Saturday Night Live! to the Weekend Update. This incredible man's story is one to say that he is a GENUINE good guy. Someone who would be every guy's buddy. Accolades don't matter when you're just yourself. This is the TRUE story of the CLASSY Colin Kelley Jost.   

For someone whose job is essentially speaking, Colin has difficulty taking what is inside his head and saying it out loud. Whereas the act of writing allows Colin's brain to function in a different way. Colin can write and not be fearful of what he's going to say. Colin has a genuine love of books. They were his first escape and the only way Colin traveled and learned about the world without leaving the Island Colin grew up on. This is something Colin and I can relate,  the books we read were to learn more than from our surroundings.  were Colin's ticket to a good college. Books were also a way for Colin to learn about those he admired; like Teddy Roosevelt. Colin is not someone who opens up easily. Colin is half-German and half Irish-Catholic. That is why Colin rarely posts on social media or does any serious interviews. Colin feels ashamed when talking about himself, even though everyone else divulged themselves openly. Putting himself together in book form isn't gossip or telling on himself; for Colin it's like telling a friend. It also puts Colin at ease somehow, because books were his friends. Math was like a girlfriend and Colin just lost his virginity to spelling.

Teddy Roosevelt

Colin chose this particular title for this book due to multiple friends telling him he had one. So punchable that he's been in at least 4 different sketches on S.N.L. Multiple skits and punchline jokes centered around Colin's facial beauty. Colin has learned that anytime he gets physically abused on camera; people laugh. Many facets of this book include these various stories. Colin sees his facial demure as someone asking for it. Colin thinks he has the face of a Republican even though he is a STRONG-WILLED Democrat who's voted in every election for every single office; even the weird ones. As someone who was bullied growing up, Colin realized that it was easier to play into the bullying rather than fighting it. If you're better at making fun of yourself than a bully is, then the bully has no room to operate. (Other than punching.) If people make fun of you; beat them to the punch and they have no material.

Colin wasn't able to speak until he was about almost 4-yrs-old. His parents claim they weren't too worried; but this was something that wasn't normal. Colin could understand what people were saying; he just couldn't respond verbally. Colin would point or grunt but couldn't form any actual words. Colin's mom finally showed worry. Every other child spoke in full sentences. Colin was TRYING to will the words out, but he just couldn't do it. His mom stated that Colin would get angry and lash out. Colin couldn't respond with words; so he resorted to violence. Other times Colin would get scared and not know how to express it. To this day, Colin is in his head alot of the time. Colin has a deep fear about speaking. Not public speaking; but regular speaking. It isn't the speaking; it's the getting going and starting. He fumbles letting his words catch up to his brain. Like a pinwheel on a computer. Getting on the phone and talking to another human feels like a huge psychological accomplishment.

That is also why Colin loved performing, even as a kid. It forced Colin to speak with conviction and express emotion in what he was saying. If Colin didn't have an outlet as a writer and as a performer, he has no idea where he would be. Colin is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants guy. Moment-to-moment. In thought, but not thinking about it. Being boring is what Colin fears most; so Colin tries to mentally store what to say. The more Colin gets it out of his head and onstage or paper; the better off he is. Something I can personally relate to. . . If I'm in thought, write it fast or forget it with NO REMEMBERING it later. When Colin was 4, due to his inability to speak, they took him to Staten Island University Hospital to work on what would save Colin's life. Colin felt like Ariel in The Little Mermaid only she and Colin were receiving their voices. She gifted him like the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella. Colin only knows Disney. Like many parents, Colin's mom runs through the rest of the family's names before getting to him. Colin is ETERNALLY GRATEFULLY for the GIFT of speech. He doesn't remember the exercises. But, he does remember the FREEING feeling of speech. Colin's fear was gone. He remembers how happy he was to finally express himself. He didn't have to justify punching anyone. Colin is still a work in progress; but once he gets going, he'll be okay.

When Colin tells people that he's from Staten Island, they were perplexed with images of stereotypes displayed on TV or media. While the media's perception allocates 40% of its population, the rest are grounded, hard-working, normal educated human beings. When Colin finally learned to speak, he sounded like a Soprano. Eventually, Colin trained himself not to speak that way due to not wanting people to single him out. Colin wanted to fit in other places outside of where he grew up. That is why Colin sounds like he does now. Colin's family has been living continuously on Staten Island since at least 1890. He loved growing up on Staten Island because it felt like kids doing regular kid stuff. They played sports and wandered around unsupervised. Seeing things you would ONLY in Staten Island. Colin really did know everyone's names. Not only because it was a close knit community, but also because the people Colin grew up with had fantastic names. Colin loved growing up on Staten Island because it felt like kids being kids. Doing regular stuff. Of course, Staten Island has changed ALOT since Colin's relatives settled there.  At the age of 17, Colin's swim coach was giving him a trophy at the end of the year awards ceremony. They KNEW Colin's future wasn't in swimming, nor was it in Staten Island. Colin was going places.; looking back, Colin is APPRECIATIVE of how Staten Island informed the rest of his life.

The HONEST TRUTH is that Colin ALWAYS had a chip on his shoulder about his hometown. But, it stems from a DEEP INSECURITY that Colin doesn't TRULY belong anywhere. Colin is PROUD of where he comes from and DEFIES the "norm" of "stereotypical" Staten Island. He feels defensive about it because the people he knew were GREAT people. Colin has come to TRULY resent the negative depiction of Staten Island in the media due to the TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE stereotypes representation. 

Colin proceeds to tell the stories of how he succumbed to 6 stitches within his lifetime thus far. The first where he received was half an inch from his eyeball; ripping open his eyelid.. The 2ND became Colin's fault in a war of sibling rivalry where he was extremely angry at his younger brother due to that simple fact in itself. Colin decided to grab scissors from his dad's desk and literally stab his brother in the back. (Boys will be boys.) The main flaw in his stabbing was that fast. When Casey saw Colin with a pair of scissors in his hands, Casey darted down the hallway. Halfway down the hallway, the basement door opened outward. Casey, sensing that his fast running might not be fast enough, threw open the door as he passed. Colin proceeded to slam into the door at full-speed, face first and Colin's chin exploded with blood. Being scarred once again. Colin begins to delve into the stories of how he received the rest of the following 5 stitches. (This story was just an example.)

Colin's grandfather worked 4 jobs. He was able to put 4 children through college. He KNEW that education was the best way to get ahead in life. This is before social media and sex tapes. Protect your brain. It's all you've got. Your brain is your ticket wherever you want to go. Colin's brother was definitely his ticket out of Staten Island, because it got him into a Catholic High School called Regis that would change the course of the rest of his life. Colin was extremely likely to get accepted to Regis because (a) it was one of the BEST high schools in the country, and (b) it was FREE! For Colin, this was the ULTIMATE JACKPOT! The only catch was that Regis was in Manhattan. . .So, on a good day it took Colin 1hr &1/2 each way to get there.

Colin took a bus, a ferry, then a subway. No need to really complain about the commute due to the gratitude of their position. If you don't want to make the trip, there are plenty of kids who would take your place. Initially, Colin's parents feared for their 14-yr-old commuting to the city and taking the subway home at night. Like many kids at Regis, Colin was book-smart and street illiterate. Colin would take in so much within so much of 4 years that by the time he graduated, Colin looked like hell. Colin grew up in the district of New York; he and his friends near Limelight. Some of his friends did actually fun things by taking in Limelight. Colin was the opposite. Colin was too afraid to try drugs because his brain was all he had. So Colin enjoyed the "nerdier" perks of Manhattan. Like sneaking in to watch the funeral of one of the publishing houses in town. That was Colin's idea of fun.

Colin wasn't always squeaky-clean, though. Occasionally, he signed out of school under the guise of visiting a nearby museum but instead snuck off to play billiards at a local pool hall. Or sometimes, Colin and a friend would go to the Knitting Factory; they would share a 40 of malt liquor and watch a 12 person band perform songs. The closest thing they had on Staten Island was a waiter who sang That's Amore! And sometimes Colin and a friend would go to an Italian restaurant downtown and order "one glass of red wine, please." And they would serve them. One glass of red wine for 2 out of control teams'. Then they stumbled home, flying HIGH from wine; thinking The Blair Witch Project was REAL and coming for them. Colin also got to meet the most intimidating and sophisticated ladies in the world. They attended family neighboring schools - that sounded rich. They wanted them to attend their high school dances, and felt like a way chubbier Jay Gatsby; faking a cultured air to mask his Staten Island bootlegger upbringing. (To be fair, Colin still feels like this at times.) All of Colin's friends would hang out after school for hours because no one wanted to go home. The adventures of the city were waiting for them in the outer boroughs. Knowledge and curiosity was their treasure.

The upside of having 60 mins of a commute is that you can get a lot of homework done on the way home. (And in the mornings; you can cram for an exam you'd have that day.) There were moments in Colin's high school career where he would hear the principal recite subway juvenilities to where Colin and his friends would burst out in laughter. They still had no idea what was being said, but they were excited a random stranger on the NYC Subway had called their high school to complain about a group of teenagers using this language, Teens and boys with their languages. Scarier and intense moments include Colin getting jumped along with his friends by older, much stronger teenagers who followed them off the trains late;  jumping Colin and breaking his friend's nose. Or Colin watching a man sleep on the street and get hit at FULL speed by a bus right in front of him. Hey, It's New York! Colin KNOWS that New York is intense and overwhelming, especially when your brain is in development and NOT fully cooked. But, Colin was always on edge when he traveled home alone late at night. 

Colin actually tried  to look sad, without smiling in fear he would get punched. In keeping with his slow-to-talk, living in his head approach to life; Colin would invent stories in his head for sorrow from a robber. Taking pity on him from a look at him. When the subways weren't empty and scary; they were loud and crowded. So, Colin would read and focus on the train. Something Colin & I both have in common. Reading is what saved us. 

Then, there was the boat portion of the trip, which always added a funny element to sprinkle into a morning commute. Arriving in Manhattan every morning via ship was NOT a "yacht lifestyle". The ferry is known for its fabulous attributes; but with the sweet comes the sour. Let's just say time flies when you're on the verge of tetanus. After the subway and the subway, getting on the bus on Staten Island to finish off his evening commute actually felt like a relief. Colin knew he was almost home when the bus went silent. To this day, Colin is more productive while traveling because he knows the journey itself is getting him somewhere, and that frees his mind to be more creative. Colin exited the bus every night at the base of a cemetery run by stray dogs, which then chased him up the street to his house. 8 Hours Later, Colin did it all over again.  

Growing up, Colin played various sports including basketball, baseball, golf and soccer. He was decent in all of them, but not nearly good enough to play at a higher level. Physically, Colin was NBA ready - but emotionally he wasn't. He was too immature to handle what came with the sport. The one sport Colin was actually good at swimming. Colin swam and dove from ages 4-18 competitively. But, he peeked at the age of 8. Even though Colin loved being in the water, he never enjoyed swim meets. It seemed constructive for something that was meant to be fun. What should be fun should NEVER be stressful. By the time, Colin got to high school, he was burned out on swimming. His new commute made it almost impossible to get home in time for afternoon practice. So, once again, Colin prioritized his brain over the inefficient body that housed his brain. The fucked-up part was that the more sports Colin played as a kid, the fatter he got. Which didn't make sense! Colin was a sports athlete and was still HEAVY!

It didn't help that after every practice or swim meet, they would partake in McDonald's and Colin would indulge in a LARGE meal in addition to a VALUE meal, still wasn't to suffice Colin's young appetite that came to fruition. In addition to food for later. Then, they would go to Wendy's after McDonald's to polish it off with a chocolate Frosty.  

Colin swears he spent most of his childhood convinced he had breast cancer. One of his nipples was puffier than the other one. With that, Colin was surely convinced he had breast cancer. Colin quit the only sport he was ever good at, but not before he spent one last summer lifeguarding at Hillside Swim Club; which by far had the best swim team on Staten Island. As a lifeguard, you were expected to watch the club; kids and make sure that there were no fatalities. But, what they really expected you to switch the keg before it ran out of beer, or they would legit fire you. There were 3 lifeguards on duty at all times to monitor a pool that never housed more than 10 kids. They were bored out of their minds. No REAL casualties.

Between lifeguarding shifts, Colin was also commuting back/forth to Manhattan to intern at Merrill Lynch 3x a week, under the tutelage of a financial advisor. This was right before the .com bubble burst. Due to the disastrous legacy, to this day, Colin completely distrusts all money managers because Colin saw how little they actually managed everything! While Colin worked there, Merrill Lynch's stock was plummeting. Still, Colin was determined to learn as much about their financial system as possible. So, while Colin sat in the lifeguard chair, Colin would read and study textbooks about the subject. The last days before summer ended, Colin was dashed out of his plans if he no longer swam? Colin stated that he would focus on academia. Mental strength and ability outweighed any physical strength for Colin. Something Colin & I both have in common. With the absolute ENCOURAGEMENT to NEVER do sports AGAIN, Colin's days of athleticism were OVER! Or were they . . .Speech & Debate is a sport. There are trophies. There are tournaments. You have to stand on your feet for up to 10 minutes at a time. Dammit it's a sport. Otherwise, Colin's high school "athleticism" was a joke. His speech and debate trophies looked similarly exact to a sports trophy. The only differences were the inscriptions written on the trophies themselves. Speech & Debate with the weekends away with tournaments in hotels in random cities with young ladies from other high schools.

Yet, sex was the farthest thing from anyone's mind. It was like trying to get laid in a cemetery. Or they would be boys being boys pretending to wrestle like the WWE on the bed. Or a whole group of guys would order a porno on the T.V. and . . .sort of . . ."watch" it together. Let's just say releasing their sexual repressions . . . shit like that. 

To quote Colin: Speech & Debate is like Track & Field for Nerds. The challenge was to debate to get one to see the other side. If Colin's in an argument Debate with a dumbass, he would call them out. So, he moved to the Speech side, so he could prove his point without calling out some asshole. There were also in-between categories that were neither intellectual nor artistic. Colin prided himself on doing as many different categories as he could (probably due to his fear of commitment). Colin wrote his own speech in the style as if he were doing stand-up, where he would have a loose theme  and then throw some jokes in when possible. Colin went with laughter and not contemplation. There were also genuinely amazing performers who made Colin realize how limited his skills were. A few of Colin's classmates included Josh Gad and Hallie Jackson. Speech & Debate helped Colin discover the rest of America, including MAJOR universities where ALOT of the tournaments took place. It was like a college tour with your friends.   

By Colin's senior year, he had been OVER QUALIFIED! He had ALOT of angels on his bookshelf. This meant ALOT to Colin: From someone who started out at a zero in terms of talking; Speech & Debate validated Colin's ability for conversation. This taught him that IT'S OKAY! Each loss is an experiment in redeeming yourself. There's always another chance.  

Harvard is a really weird place. Not just in terms of the school itself. Partially just name recognition has some kind of mysterious aura that feels like the gathering of the Illuminati. Their reality is that Harvard is like any other school. Mostly its NAME in sequence ONLY! You just had good grades and something that helped you stand out in some way that Harvard looked for. There is a HUGE difference between having a Harvard education and having one just for name only. Some people dream about attending Harvard. Colin didn't. Colin truly dreamed about attending University Of North Carolina, because of Michael Jordan's status as being an alumni. Colin would journal his desire to attend there and what he would've accomplished. There was also the simple fact that Harvard was never a place that Colin imagined he would go. Growing up in Staten Island, no one ever said those questions; Harvard or Yale? More of a What Do You Plan To Do? To this day, no one has ever looked at Colin and thought; Harvard. 

Winklevoss Twins 

When you're starting out in comedy - particularly stand-up comedy, having Harvard in your introduction is a GIANT turn-off and the quickest way for an audience to hate you! But, if they find out your status of the institution, they genuinely ask out of curiosity. Colin is great in MATH. English was his enemy. During this time, Colin was with the Winklevoss Twins on the row team his freshman year. They were 8FT tall to Colin's left. 200LBS and excellent at rowing, while Colin hadn't rowed a boat since his grandfather took him to a duck pond on Staten Island in 1993.

Colin "walked on" to the team, which is what they do for humor and allows you to join the team. By the Spring of his freshman year, Colin was by far in the best  

shape of his life even though he had consumed 4-5,000 calories daily due to rowing a damn boat for hours and then running 6-8 miles. Colin completed the "triathlon", which was rowing 10,000 meters, then running up & down every single section of stairs in the football stadium. That was certainly Colin's peak athletic accomplishment. (Other than 6TH grade basketball.) Colin was eventually moved to the lightweight crew team.

Crew taught Colin discipline and how to stay calm and mentally sharp even when he is physically DONE, which is a skill he STILL uses at NBC. It also taught Colin that rowing and crew is really hard and maybe more demanding on a pure aerobic level than any sport except boxing. It FINALLY taught Colin that he didn't want to crew anymore, due to crew anymore, due to it being grueling and endless, and sitting on a rowing machine 2x a day/4hrs was NOT the most satisfying way to spend your collegiate life. So, at the end of freshman year, Colin stopped rowing crew but made the interesting decision to continue consuming 5,000 calories daily. Which is hard to do when you're not rowing or running. It requires REAL ingenuity - like when Colin would order a double-decker pizza most nights - just for himself. Keep 'Em Coming! $4.00 each pizza. Also, during this time, Colin discovered beer, which he NEVER touched in high school and definitely NOT a diet food. He gained 40 LBS. Then, Colin realized that his vision was fading and had to get eye-glasses the first time. Plus, Colin had late on-set acne, which made his face look like a pizza, which made him hungrier. Colin basically went through a second awkward puberty; only this time in college. 

Crew taught Colin discipline and how to stay calm and mentally sharp even when he is physically DONE, which is a skill he STILL uses at NBC. It also taught Colin that rowing crew is really hard and maybe more demanding on a pure aerobic level than any sport except boxing. It FINALLY taught Colin didn't want to do crew anymore, due to it being grueling and endless, and sitting on a rowing machine 2x day/4 hrs was NOT the most satisfying way to spend your collegiate life. So, in the end of freshman year, Colin stepped rowing crew but made the interesting decision to continue consuming 5,000 calories daily. Which is hard to do when you're not rowing or running. It requires REAL ingenuity - like when Colin would order a double decker  most nights - just for himself. Keep 'Em Coming! $4.00 each pizza. Also, during this time, Colin discovered beer, which he NEVER touched in high school and NOT a diet food. Colin gained 40 pounds. Then, Colin realized that his vision was fading and had to get eyeglasses the first time. Plus, Colin had late on-set acne, which made his face look like a pizza, which made him hungrier. Colin basically went through a second awkward puberty; only this time in college.

Colin was also pretty disillusioned with college in general during Freshman year because he truly missed high school; it was full of smart kids who never took school too seriously. Whereas other kids at Harvard were ones who rub in faces. Colin also became disillusioned with his religion, because he was used to a certain kind of Catholic he grew up with - the legacy of which comes with Catholics he grew up with school boys. Colin was too young (or naive) to understand its real-world implications of religion. In school, Colin was taught one aspect,  as he got older,  he got a more understanding world view. In high school, Colin had gone to Mass every Sunday and studied the Bible. Plus, Colin's mother, who took her son to Mass weekly, was a progressive woman whom was PRO CHOICE, PRO BIRTH CONTROL and IN FULL FAVOR of LEGALIZING GAY MARRIAGE - basically all things Catholic Church rallied against it. So, Colin never seen Catholicism as "strict". More of a community; and a place for quiet solace and reflection once a week. As Colin entered college, he seen religious kids v. RELIGIOUS kids; which TRULY freaked him out. The more one tells Colin to do something, the less likely he is to do it. That is essentially why Colin went to Mass once he got to college.

Pete & Colin

The kids may have been well-meaning, nice people, who want to hang in a crowd Colin has described? Mass made Colin feel like he was in a cult with the WAY TOO CHEERFUL a people. Luckily. there were some truly impressive students at Harvard who were NOT cocky; but instead went about their way and work acting like cool, reasonable people. That included presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, and other well-known people. What Colin realized by the end of freshman year was that he didn't exactly fit in anywhere at Harvard. Colin felt lucky, isolated and out of place.

It was so bad that Colin would wander the streets alone at 2 or 3 A.M.; then return to his dorm and write poetry. Something Colin & I deeply have in common. Colin would stay up all-night feeling depressed and then oversleep because NO alarm could wake him up. Perhaps the 2 pizzas a night were a sign that something was wrong . Maybe he lacked purpose or any kind of community like he had growing up. Colin left for summer break and went home to Staten Island. The next year, Colin KNEW he HAD to find something that would make him feel less isolated. Something he DEEPLY cared about. That was the Harvard Lampoon.

The Harvard Lampoon is a place while aspiring comedy writers can spend all their free time with other aspiring comedy writers and try to make each other laugh. And it's one of the best places you can experiment as a comedy writer in print, because NO ONE would read the magazine. Everyone who got on staff was the outcast of their school; now they all found their niche'. For Colin, the Lampoon was an oasis at Harvard where so many students were the ones who heard Colin was from Staten Island and ridiculed him. Whereas the Lampoon was filled with all "alternative needs", you knew growing up who reads 100 books that weren't on the syllabus, Colin and the Lampoon were nerds who felt like outcast even at a school full of nerds. And they liked it that way. Because within the Lampoon, a nerd could feel like a hug! The Lampoon is roughly half-female and was co-ed before Harvard was. Colin had never heard of the Lampoon until he seen a flyer in his freshman dorm. After attending the introductory meeting, Colin immediately seen that it was the only thing he cares about doing in college. Unfortunately, it was Economics. 

Unfortunately, it was really hard to get in. Hundreds of people apply every semester and usually only 3-or-4 writers get in. Unlike most clubs at Harvard, this was entirely merit-based. It didn't matter your financial status or family relations. The writers names were disguised with fake names; so members vote purely on content, not the person submitting it. Getting accepted typically means writing every day for at least a year, sometimes  2-or-3. Colin wrote 30 pieces for his first semester and got rejected. The next semester, Colin wrote 50 pieces and was rejected again. You couldn't get published in the Lampoon unless you were a member; so Colin had NO OTHER option /outlet for his writing. Colin had just completed a folder with 80 pieces of trash in it. It was weird to give feedback on his programs background.

When Colin's dad brought up that kid's in Colin's' class who started Facebook; maybe Colin should've worked there? At the time, Colin thought Facebook was a fad going nowhere. Colin thought the REAL money was in magazines. Part of the Lore of the Lampoon is the building that housed the magazine. As much as Colin believes there is magic anywhere in the world, he believes there is magic in the Lampoon.

The 3RD time Colin applied, after 18 months of writing constantly, Colin FINALLY made it. When they told him he got in, it was the happiest moment of his life; thus far  - before marriage and kids and the first time Colin felt he belonged somewhere. For a lot of them, the Lampoon was their sanctuary. Colin never wanted to leave the building and for the most part; he truly didn't. He spent 80 hours/weeks at the Lampoon and took an approach he would later take at S.N.L. Colin wrote more than anyone else due to wanting to improve himself as fast as he could. Colin submitted dozens of pieces for every issue, and even if a couple of them made it into the magazine, he was still learning from all of the rejections too. Colin kept a mental positive check to keep writing. Don't worry about the result. Just keep moving forward and keep improving. Eventually, a way higher percentage of what he wrote actually was accepted. Over the course of Colin's 2 1/2 years on staff he had MORE than 100 pieces published in the magazine (maybe 2 of which still hold up.) It was the first time Colin was willing to put 100% of his effort into 1 single pursuit without fear of failing, because he loved doing it so much that Colin couldn't focus on anything else. (It's a miracle Colin graduated.)

There were also people who took the Lampoon way too seriously and acted like COMPLETE & TOTAL dickheads to one another in the name of comedy. Colin began overthinking  things REAL FAST. And he regressed to the childhood he endured once before. Colin also became a lot more closed off emotionally because the culture of the Lampoon was surprisingly stoic and severe! Never let your guard down on the fear of joke exploitation; something Colin wasn't even aware of. But, it was just how everybody operated. They all cared deeply about what they were doing, to the point that it alienated them from friends who weren't on the Lampoon. Colin even missed his grandfather's funeral to turn in his final submission when he was applying. It was/is sad and depressing to miss, but joining the magazine was the MOST URGENT goal in his life and Colin was terrified of anything getting in the way.  

After Colin had worked his way up from staff writer to a "mid-level position". (Colin was literally a janitor,) he was elected president in his junior year, and the election took 14 hours to decide. That is longer than a U.S. Election for president - DAMN! But, if Colin hadn't joined a group with that kind of zealtry, he would NOT have developed as a writer as quickly as he did. When people ask Colin for advice about how to succeed in comedy, he suggests that they find people who care about comedy as much as they do, even to an unhealthy degree. More than anything, Colin learned that comedy could be an actual job. Growing up, Colin had zero exposure to show business. When he watched S.N.L. or Letterman as a kid, Colin understood that people were involved in the process of these shows and Colin wanted to be a part of it, never thinking he could be a part of it.

Colin and his grandfather

Everyone in Colin's family was a firefighter or worked for the city. So, before the Lampoon, Colin's DREAM jobs were doctor, lawyer, pizza model or any city job that had a person. Colin's grandfather told him that the greatest thing you can have in life is a passion.

Colin's first day at college sophomore year was September 11, 2001. He had just left New York the day before. Colin's best friend, Chris, and he were sharing a dorm room. Chris' mom called at 9:00A, 2 hours before Colin planned to wake up. It was through Chris' mom calling that Collin & Chris were informed of the world's events that day. Normally, Chris' mom worked inside the World Trade Center. And that day, she happened to get assigned to a

different station. Which was a miracle. Colin handed Chris their phone. What about Colin's mom; Dr. Kerry Kelly, was Chief Medical Officer for the NYFD  for 24 years. 

Colin and his mom, Kerry

Colin asked his dad what he was thinking that particular morning? What he thought about his wife's whereabouts? He told his son that he NEVER thought his mom could have gotten there before the towers fell. He did the same calculation that Colin had already done.

Colin and his father both had too much faith in New York City traffic to worry about his Mom reaching Manhattan in time. Colin's brother, Casey, was in high school on Staten Island and could see the smoke from the towers through his classroom window. Casey didn't worry about their mom; he was worried about his classmates parents who may have been close or involved. The hardest part of Kerry's job was informing families when a firefighter died in the line of duty. (The call NO ONE wants from either end of the phone.) Kerry ACTUALLY had to tell the children of victims THE TRUTH! When a firefighter was injured, Kerry was there at the hospital for the families. Colin began to describe the details of the involvement within 9/11; offering help therein whenever NEEDED!

C

Colin and his mom, Kerry Jost

Colin still has the e-mail from his dad, informing him that Kerry was OK! Kerry had gotten caught in the secondary collapse of the towers, but dug herself out and is okay. At some point, Kerry came home covered head-to-toe in white ash. She showered, changed her clothes and went back to work. Kerry spent each day traveling between Ground Zero and the medical office, treating whomever needed help. She endlessly bandaged people only to realize they'd died. There are multiple reasons why Colin loves his mom: Colin loves that while she took care of her fire department family; she never neglected her REAL family. They never felt that she was absent or never not fully present.

Colin loves his mom as a role model. Because of Kerry, Colin & Casey have never thought twice about ladies getting/having the same pay or complete independency with satisfying lives. Colin & Casey grew up to expect independency. Colin loves Kerry's appreciation for their dad, and how they rely on each other and help one another through hard times. She is the family planner for events.

Most of all, Colin loves how GRATEFUL Kerry is. Not only as a mother, but just who his mother is as her own person. Kerry drove her up to visit her son at college in late October 2001. It was the first day she had taken off work since Sept. 11TH. Colin didn't know she was coming. He was so happy for a son to his mother. 

When Colin was in college, what he genuinely studied in college was The History & Literature of Russia and Britain. Colin's love of Russia began in high school when he took a senior elective called "Great European Novels" and 3 of them were Russian - Anna Karenina, Crime & Punishment. Anna was a rough read due to violently procrastinating. (As which is Colin's style in all aspects in life.) Colin made himself read the entire 864 page book in 3 days. (I've personally been there. Striving to finish a book on Friday before being in the hospital or even a new week.) Colin, to this day, couldn't remember Anna due to cramming to finish. The other 2 books were among Colin's FAVORITES OF ALL-TIME and enticed him to want to learn about Russian Literature. So, when Colin arrived at college, he abandoned his stated major - Economics - and instead chose the opposite - Russian Books.

For some reason, Colin''s teacher encouraged and helped him to get a grant from the department to go live in Russia for summer, with the goal of translating a short story. His parents, understandably, were a little nervous about their son spending the summer alone in Russia. You can't say NO to FREE Money! Colin assured all would be taken care of and arranged while Colin was there to his parents. What they failed to mention to Colin was that those that would've been in his company did NOT speak a word of English. Colin arrived in St. Petersberg with no directions, only an address. This was before Google maps. Colin found his way in halting Russian to their apartment. They opened the door, nodded at him, took him to his bedroom, nodded at the bedroom, nodded and then disappeared for 3 days.

Colin had a careful plan laid out for his time in St. Petersberg: He had no money to eat at restaurants (and no one to eat with anyway.) Colin would survive by going down to the grocery store every couple of days and buy some kind of "pasta" that was made from grain that was DC'd (discontinued) in the U.S.  Then, he would buy these weird chunks of "cheese", with the consistency of Gouda and the flavor of wet baking soda. Colin went so stir-crazy at one point that he would write parodies of poems. That is where Colin was mentally broken. After weeks of descending into madness, Colin was desperate to meet ANYONE! He did finally meet a girl. A group of them. They were visiting from Spain and didn't speak a word of Russia. They became Colin's closest friends in St. Petersberg.

Colin tried not to humiliate himself on the 3RD date. After meeting them at a bar, Colin was asked about Absinthe. He had NEVER tried Absinthe before, so naturally Colin lied and it was his FAVORITE drink.

5 tall glasses of Absinthe later, they were all dancing by the bar when Colin HAD TO excuse himself. He went to the bathroom and immediately threw up all over the walls. Didn't even come close to the toilet. Like a 360-Degree fire hose of vomit. Then, because Colin was out of his DAMN mind, he just went back to the dance floor and began to start dancing again like nothing had happened. Roughly, 20 seconds later, an employee came up to Colin and asked him what he had drank . . . Colin figured that he couldn't understand the man. Everyone SEEN that Colin was profusely sweating and even paler than usual and knew that Colin was not well. Things were smoothed out with the manager and helped Colin clean up the bathroom. Colin was shivering and seeing ghosts. One of the women offered to take Colin home and even put her coat over him to keep him warm in the taxi.

Colin and this poor girl sat in a Russian taxi for 45 minutes waiting for the bridge to re-open. He was so sick he didn't leave his bed for 3 days. People everywhere peeked in/out to check in on him. As soon as Colin recovered, he needed to head back to America immediately. He had NEVER to this day felt so homesick in his life. Colin flew back home 2 days later, with 0.0% of the story being translated. As far as  Colin can tell from a 10-second Google search, it remains untranslated, ready for the sake of Russian Literature. Before leaving for the airport, Colin laid out 7 teddy bears in Harvard in T-Shirts on the bed, as per requested.

When Colin graduated college, he was one of many out of work. His first instinct was to create a television show about college? Guarenting his residence without leaving. So, Colin and follow Lampoon writer come up with an idea for a hidden camera show called Admissions Impossible, which would involve them posing as alumni interviewers or college admissions officers in order to trick high school students into saying  awful things during their interviews. DAMN! Were they monsters. . . nor a terrible idea for a show! Sadly,  no one wanted to buy it. So, with no prospects and no skills, Colin got ahead of the millennial curve and moved back to his parents house and into his childhood bedroom. (One of the most humiliating prospects one adult can go through.) Once you hit adulthood from your childhood home; you feel like you're back in high school with a curfew. (DAMN! That's Sad.) There's something about moving back home after college that loses the respect you gained from your parents when you left. You live in their house; yet, they dare not speak your name in public; for fear of being questioned. There is something that makes you question past choices. (Why in the fuck did I major in that?) After a few weeks of EXTREME depression, Colin spoke to a group of friends from college who were equally miserable and unemployed. They decided to all move to Manhattan or Brooklyn or wherever they could get an apartment and just force themselves to become adults. Colin's parents were like NO! And then closed the door behind them and locked it!

Colin was living off his winnings from appearing on the game show The Weakest Link, so his prize was only $6,000 (a net of $3,000 after California taxes.) In Manhattan, that was almost 2 months rent. Colin was unfortunately really bad at The Weakest Link. So; a week after finally escaping Staten Island and moving to the city; Colin accepted a job at a local newspaper. . .back on Staten Island. Why? Due to no job prospects and due to Colin's college major biting him from behind.

The only reason Colin even was offered the newspaper job was due to interning at the paper for 2 summers in high school and contributed for the "Teen Section"; while also being somewhat hard on himself with the position he was in. That job as team reporter led Colin to become editor-in-chief of his high school newspaper; The Owl, where they published more issues of the paper than any other regime in years. Years - thanks to their HARD-HITTING news. That led Colin joining The Harvard Crimson's editorial board; where he wrote memorable headliners and appointed op-ed's . Colin had a "background" in journalism, as much as anyone could. But, Colin never expected to bring that background into the foreground. The paper Colin worked at, The Staten Island Advance was actually an amazing newspaper with incredibly talented reporters and editors. The job was fantastic. Colin was a "night editor", which meant he did whatever random stuff hadn't been done before the papers went to press: rewriting articles, designing the layout for each section proofreading every page, and Colin's favorite task - writing headlines, whereas Colin came from a New York Post tradition. Coming close to publication but to no secor. Colin also had to write stories from scratch if they came in overnight. And occasionally, Colin was sent out in the field as a crime reporter to cover "breaking news", from where he was located. One story led to a second front-page story the next day; about the outrage over raccoon enthusia on Staten Island. Which led Colin's Paw-lizer Prize. The weirdness of local news on Staten Island was one reason Colin loved the job. Colin learned tons from the senior editor who went on to more prestigious publications. Colin learned from them. His job at The Advance had an incredible healthcare plan. Full vision and dental. Colin's even tempted to take advantage of it.

The downside to the job was Colin's shift. His shift went from 11P-8A; plus 1hr1/2 commute each way. Colin would be having dinner with his friends; depart from them and head to work. He would walk a mile to an express bus that took him to a local bus on Staten Island, which dropped him 1/2 mile from the newspaper. Colin left work at 8:00A every morning. He was in full New York City rush hour traffic back into Manhattan. As the world was getting up; Colin was losing his mind. He barely slept for 5 months he worked there, and he had headaches all day. The larger problem was that Colin wanted to be in comedy; not journalism. Colin spent every free minute at work compiling news stories he could for stand-up instead. Colin even saved up enough money to pay for 2 rent. He quit the newspaper and decided to put everything he had into getting a job in comedy. 

While Colin was working the overnight shift at his local newspaper, he was spending his days applying to every television show he could think of - except Saturday Night Live! That was Colin's dream job, but he never let himself consider it a

REAL possibility. Colin knew that getting a job anywhere in comedy was a crapshoot, and he wanted to get a bunch of rejections under his belt before he could even think of applying to S.N.L. Plus, he had no idea how to actually apply. Colin didn't have an agency or management, so he looked up the mailing address for all these shows and wrote a cover letter begging them to read his submissions. He applied to EVERY late-night production. He wrote a pilot with his friend, Chris, for a show called; The Back Room, it was basically Reno 911, but for the New York Fire Department. Colin's dad, who for some reason, had a strong opinion about this show, kept telling his son that it should be like Barney Miller; which Colin had NEVER seen and thought it sounded like a department store.

The problem with writing a pilot as an unknown writer was that Colin had nowhere to send it. He couldn't just mail it to HBO especially masked. So, Colin, along with his friend, Chris, rewrote their pilot a few times, then e-mailed it to a couple of friends, whom were of no help; so they moved on! At this point, Colin was so desperate to write anything for anyone that he began inventing fake anecdotes and mailing them to Reader's Digest for their "Life's Like That" section. They were supposed to be true, first-person, humorous stories - due to the lack of excitement. Colin made it up. Bullshit his way through it. 15 + years later, nothing on a computer truly disappears. After a few faded stories, Colin was writing his way through.

Finally, Colin applied to S.N.L. in November, which he later found out was the EXACT WRONG TIME to apply. Apparently, production only accepted submissions in the summer. When the show is on-hiatus, Colin had to wait until June to resubmit. In the meantime, out of all of the shows Colin had applied to, only one responded. The Late Show With David Letterman. This was particularly exciting for Colin because Letterman was a hero of Colin's. When he was in 6TH grade, he had convinced their teacher to let them re-create The Late Show at the beginning of every History class. Colin would read several of the TOP 10 lists from 1-out-of-4 in full books of TOP 10 lists that Colin forced his dad to buy him. They would then re-write their favorite S.N.L. sketches. Some were deemed inappropriate for the Catholic middle school.

The teacher had cut them off when delving off-script when launching into audio of Adam Sandler's game show. Their show was so popular within the 6TH grade community that a school-wide assembly in the gymnasium. (It was by far Colin's finest hour in the gymnasium.) The event was a HIT! Mostly due to no original material. But, that didn't stop them celebrating afterward with a round of Ecto Coolers. So, when the head writers at Letterman's show actually liked his submissions, Colin seen the books truly paid off. Colin was asked to submit a 2ND packet that should've been "similar to the first he done; but better" and Colin was able to work, still thinking it was an extremely long shot. Letterman had a HISTORY of hiring people who sent in submissions, even if they were mentally unstable or untested. . .Making Colin love Letterman even more.

So, Colin put together a 2ND submission and they liked it enough that Colin was called in for an interview with the head writers. Colin KNEW how stressful and exhausting it was to work on a nightly show like that, due to disruption every 5  minutes for a better re-write. Colin did not get the job. But, he does still receive a Christmas card from them every year, which was well worth the rejection. 

A couple of months later, Colin took a job writing for a new-defunct animation company called Animation Collective. Colin and 3 of his friends were hired to write 26 half-hour episodes of a new show for Nickelodeon called Kappa Mikey that eventually aired on NickToons. The title was a play on Kappamaki, which is apparently a type of sushi. Colin and his friends were TRULY GRATEFUL to have written a job of any kind even though they endured what in retrospect were illegal working conditions on many levels. Their offices were also their boss's apartment. They'd find condoms on the floor and have to feign not to see them. Certain employees would have to take breaks from work so their boss could dress them up in old costumes and have them pose for a photo-shoot on the roof.

The good news was that they had because professional writers, even though Colin was making a lower hourly wage than when he was lifeguarding at age 15. When you're starting out, any credit is good credit. You can tell people you're working in entertainment, even though you're actually working on a madman's fever dream. Variety called Kappa Mikey; "a cacophony of sights, sounds and ambition interspersed with some relatively clever writing."

Then Colin got a call from one of the associate producers at S.N.L. after he properly and finally submitted a sketch packet. They wanted Colin to arrive and meet with Tina Fey & Andrew Steele, their 2 head-writers. Chances were of a meeting with Lorne Michaels. Colin's first immediate question was what to wear? Meeting with Tina & Andrew was more intimidating  than with Lorne, because he seemed that they were the ones ACTUALLY making decisions with the writers who got hired. Colin's instinct was to wear a suit because Colin thought that was what adults wore to a job interview, but luckily his friends convinced him that could look desperate, so Colin wore jeans and a button-down shirt and tried to act "normal".

Colin found out later that they weren't expecting him to be funny during the interview. They were just making sure Colin wasn't a crazy person. Colin HAD TO contain himself. He just had to avoid busting into hysterics. Colin managed to survive the interview without doing that, and was told by one of Lorne's assistant's that Lorne would like to see Colin. Hanging out and waiting at the office, Colin met and found out whom was being hired onto the cast. Colin didn't know it at the time, but that would be the group, consisting of Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig, he started with and would spend 80 hours/week with for the next decade. 6 Hours Later, Colin met with Lorne Michaels; (which Colin

would've waited 6 Days.) 

When Colin entered, Lorne was on a computer arranging talent. They sat in 2 chairs facing each other, and Lorne questioned Colin on his life and experience as an SNL viewer. Colin's cast that he watched the MOST growing up with the 90s cast. Colin feared he blew the interview before mentioning his genuine love of Dana Carvey. After another 5 minutes of discussion, Lorne paused and asked Colin if he therein had any questions?

Somehow, Colin was NOT prepared for this portion of the interview questions. In the midst of the moment, Colin panicked and asked where Lorne was from? Colin felt like a dumbass; but Lorne responded honestly. Colin sounded like he KNEW where/what Lorne was talking about. The interviews went off great; but it left Colin feeling nervous, None of Lorne's assistants or the producers at S.N.L. knew what Lorne meant by that either, so they quarantined Colin in one of the writers offices while they figured it all out. 30 minutes later, the phone in the office rang. It was the producers of the show. . . within minutes, Colin was OFFICIALLY hired. He was so happy that Colin didn't even process the weirdness of being hired at S.N.L.; but somehow he was hired over the phone. Colin was able to start the job the next/following day.

Colin was 22 when he was hired at S.N.L. His first show was guest Steve Carell. As first guests go, that seemed like a pretty outstanding lineup. Considering the events in the 2000s, prior to Colin's joining. There was no "ramping up" when you start at the show. It didn't help that the Walls of S.N.L. are covered with photos from someone of the best sketches in the show's HISTORY! So, while Colin wrote what he KNEW was a TERRIBLE sketch, he looked up and seen a framed portrait for Chevy Chase as the Land Shark. It would be like an artist painting inside the Museum Pf Modern Art halfway thinking otherwise.

When you're starting out, you're trying to write a "great" sketch. You're just hoping to get something funny on T.V. and not be fired. Colin's first week, he pitched about a real news story, where a JetBlue plane had to make an emergency landing and the passengers were watching coverage of their own plane crash on the JetBlue screens.(Luckily, the plane landed safely) People liked the idea. It made the show. . . What was the first sketch after the monologue.

So, Colin had written the first sketch for his first show at S.N.L., which Colin didn't realize at the time, which is extremely rare. In fact, in the 15+ years that Colin has written for the show, he's only had the first sketch post monologue a couple of times. Colin was warned NOT to let any joys get to his head. Colin PURELY took it to HEART! It was a Puritanical pattern he would follow for the rest of his career at S.N.L. If Colin had a GREAT week, he would enjoy it on Sunday, then forget about it on Monday.

One of the most underrated aspects of the show - to Colin - how a strange time capsule of frame at that moment in time. There are some giant VHS tapes outside Lorne's office with labels of the 80s and 90s and it's like joke combinations you wouldn't see elsewhere. THAT is the show in a nutshell. The GREATS with the FORGOTTEN! Why would I work elsewhere?

In August 2007, Colin received various calls about a trip to Scandinavia for a week. The plan was Copenhagen and various other places. Would Colin like to join? Answer: When is he to be there? The next morning. Sure! Colin had little else to do outside work. Colin packed whatever he needed for August in Scandinavia and flew to Denmark on a whim without planning ahead. Colin arrived at the Copenhagen Airport and wondered which train reunited him with friends? This was after his first 2 seasons at S.N.L., so Colin had saved a little money, but he never liked spending it due to being terrified it would disappear. When he met up with everyone, they were met up on high-end men's clothing store near the hotel. Colin's company was suggesting he get one of the FANCY suits. Up to this point, Colin had NEVER spent than $40 on a shirt. Colin just believe in spending money on a shirt serving the same practical purposes as an $80 shirt...if it works...it works. 

So, the first thing Colin did in Copenhagen was blow $400 in a whole-button shirt and a really thin black-tie that Colin still had to wear with his jeans from college. After paying for them, Colin realized he was fucking tricked. They weren't purchasing anything. Fuckers. Similar to ones tricking you to try something they haven't all done before. That night, Colin put on what he just bought during the day. They all got on bicycle's they'd rented to cruise  around the city. Biking in a strange city and drinking Danish liquors = what could go wrong!? On the way to the club, they were hiking past a state park with a huge quarter-pipe for skateboarding tricks and Colin watched as a friend of his tricked out. Colin had the jump at full speed, but instead of ''jumping"; the bike chipped the top of the ramp and violently flipped Colin forward onto the concrete. Colin ripped open his $250 shirt and was now bleeding through his white shirt onto his $150 tie (which was too thin to use as a tourniquet) Colin was lying on the pavement waiting for applause/audience. Instead, it was the complete opposite. One thing is that Colin HATES to disrupt a good time. So, after he stood up and seen that he was bleeding. . . .Colin tried to play it cool. He got back on his (now dented) bike and caught up to group like nothing was wrong or happened. 

The other group wondered how Colin came to bleed? Some "dumb-fuck guy lie" fell out of Colin's mouth stating he was fine. Hurting his ribs in the process. Still wondering about their plans later to continue their fun. Colin's first experience in a Danish nightclub was getting Semi-Strips on his ribs from a first-aid kit aided by a friend's sister and bandaged him up in the bathroom while they did shots of GamelDansk which was the closest to a pain reliever. Once he was patched up, Colin being a 24-yr-old kid whom was bandaged up wondered where the ladies were at? 

 mile m

Colin had met a cute Danish girl at the bar and they began talking and then dancing and at some point began making out. (Maybe his blood-soaked shirt was worth it) Colin wondered if they should go back to his place? (A hotel room with 2 twin beds that you're sharing with a co-worker.) On his bicycle they went. Only this time, Colin was bleeding and on his bike pedaling, standing up while a Danish girl he just met seated behind him, holding on for dear life. It was a full 30 minute bike ride. By the time they arrived at his hotel, Colin could sense her enthusiasm waning. It was after hours and Colin this Danish girl tried to return to his hotel. He noticed a sign that said "After Hours. Ring Bell For Doorman." So, Colin rang and rang the bell. And things were further escalated, the Danish girl (understandably) lost interest in anything remotely romantic. So, they went back to the club.

The second 30 minutes of a bike ride return felt a lot slower than the first (when sex was still a possibility) By the time they arrived, Colin was exhausted and stone cold sober. They said goodbye to one another. Colin went back into the club and found all of his friends still drinking and dancing, so Colin re-joined them. Back at it once again to the bar and the ladies. Colin met a 2ND Danish girl. He usually has ABSOLUTELY NO game whatsoever, but his bloody shirt gave him a vote of confidence. Colin and this young lady began talking, and then dancing and then kissing. The next thing Colin knows is that the next Danish girl he was talking to was the sister of the first girl he was talking to. Talk about finding yourself in a tough spot in Copenhagen. Their next stop was to Helsinki, Finland.

A very exciting day in Helsinki where one of Colin's friends wanted to run a rumored marathon. Colin and his friends waited around the 15 mile mark to cheer him on. They ran into the street and jogged along with him for about 1,000ft. before putting him on the back, already winding from a 15 second jog. As the marathon continued, Colin and his friends ventured to the water station where they were giving marathoners cups of water, and they each grabbed a cup of water due to thirst from running 1,000ft. That night, Colin and his friends went out to celebrate in a Scandinavian style - over drinking to a point of near death. Colin volunteered to be a friend's wing-man. He walked up to a lovely Finnish lady. .. putting himself in a dumbass guy situation for a friend. Colin does not know to this day why he introduced his friend as Gerald Ford, Jr. Colin was sure it would seal the deal for his friend. It had the opposite effect. She genuinely believed their lie. That Colin TRULY was Gerald Ford, Jr. This woman proceeded to go on a GIANT TIRADE! that escalates for quite some time.

Colin, being a truly stand-up guy, took full responsibility for the whole caused by tip-toeing away to stop drinking. (Something Colin often does for self-preservation). Colin didn't tell anyone of his departure. He just wandered off alone, and decided to walk all the way back to the hotel at 2 A.M. through a city he'd NEVER been through BEFORE, with a street sign in a language Colin couldn't read. Then, about halfway to the hotel, Colin got truly sleepy. Colin is the kind of person who, once he gets sleepy, cannot stop himself from falling asleep on whatever surface or food his next to him; including falling asleep twice cradling a tray of buffalo wings like a body pillow. During his first year at S.N.L., Colin went out with the cast to a dinner at 7:00A (after the after after party) and fall asleep at the table with his face on a hamburger, earning him the nickname, "Burger Jost".  Colin began looking around for a viable "mattress" and saw a nearby park with grass that seemed ideal for a 2A.M. nap. He lay down in the park with his jacket as a pillow and fell asleep to the distant, soothing sounds nearing him. When he woke up, Colin realized he had truly fallen asleep/crashed in a graveyard. . . there goes his "nap". 

Colin reacted to this by his usual Colin Kelley Jost grace by running full speed out of the graveyard while slapping the spiders off of himself. Colin ran the rest of the way to the hotel, went up to his friend's room and knocked on the door. Colin, in a freaked out manner, explained his situation. . .sleeping for 6 hours (Like he knows). Colin's friend let him into his room and spent the next 5 minutes lovingly building Colin a crash pad using materials from their own beds. In the morning, Colin was awoken to be taken on a tripping boat to Amsterdam with his friends. Colin was in a feverish semi-coma spending the following 3 days in bed while his friends toured their surroundings.

After Colin's first season or 2 as a writer (once he felt semi-confident that he wouldn't be immediately fired) he had a couple of years of unmittigated joy at the show. Colin was 25 at the time, and he was getting written sketches on the air regularly, but he didn't have any serious responsibility yet. Colin could write whatever he wanted, even flights of fancy . . . including a game show sketch for Bradley Cooper called "I'm Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife!" Colin never had to worry about scrambling to write the open it at midnight on a Friday. He rarely had to figure out a monologue for the host. Colin could just write whatever came to him mentally that week. Most of the cast & writers were young enough to match the hours of the show that never bothered Colin. He didn't make a single party or after party for at least his first 5 years. The cast would stay out until 9:00A every night after the show, then go to bed (or a casual breakfast) sleep for most of Sunday, and start all over again on Monday morning. Colin was also running on pure adrenaline from doing what he always wanted to do; Colin always wanted to work at and hang out with really funny friends whom were single and didn't want to go home. Then he had to become "responsible".

Colin remembers when he found out that he was becoming head writer because it was one of his proudest achievements and it happened to involve one of Colin's closest friends. Colin was asked to join Seth Meyers to head write the next upcoming season. Seth surprised Colin with the gift of a really expensive pen. The only pen Colin owned that wasn't lifted from a hotel room. The idea of being a head writer was always a distant goal of Colin's . They've always had successful writers on the show; but never become head writer. Being in company was a perk of those before him . . .the downside was the OVERWHELMING  part of the job in ways Colin didn't expect.

One Wednesday after a table read, Colin was called Lorne's office to discuss which sketches were to be picked. On the way there, Colin suddenly felt like he was having a heart attack. (Most likely anxiety. . .like you're being called into the principal's office.) Colin's heart was racing and skipping beats. He didn't know what to do. He lay down on the couch outside Lorne's office and his assistant called for a doctor. Colin's heart palpitations were brought on by a combination of stress and staying awake 40 Hours straight every week. Living on pizza and BULK candy. Colin HAD TO REALIZE the show was out of his control. Colin worked with what he could. He wrote sketches the best he could open for that week. The point was to control was he could. The rest was out of Colin's hands and into Lorne's. The reality was that if there were great writers on staff (and a great cast), Colin would look like a great writer. If the writers were so-so, then you better find new writers fast or they're gonna find a new you. The only thing you can do is lead by example.

Colin was head writer for 3 years, then he took 2 years off to basically survive on Weekend Update. Then, Lorne asked Michael Che and Colin to be head writers with others. They've done it ever since. When Colin was promoted with Che, his pay and earnings were still the same.

The reason Colin began doing stand-up was because of a club in the East Village called Riffi. Colin went to see shows there when he first moved to NewYork after college, and it was the first time Colin seen young comics whom were truly funny, truly smart and weren't afraid to try weird material and fail. When he

would see various young comics perform during $5.00/beer night, Colin seen them perform and thought: That's What I Want To Do. 

Colin loved watching stand-up, but the comedians he looked up to - Seinfeld & Chris Rock - seemed of a different generation and way more polished. It's not that Colin seen them as role models or a career path, it's more of a vocal path to what you want to freely say. Colin had told about stand-up as a vocation that he's been doing it for 16 years - performing all over the U.S. 24/7 - Yet, Colin still barely felt like a stand-up comic.

There were years at S.N.L. where even during show
weeks, Colin was performing stand-up 4 nights/week. Which is nothing for a full-time comedian, but where you're one of the senior writers at S.N.L., that on top of your normal job is ALOT! After about 5 years of doing mostly "bar shows" downtown, Colin began making end roads at some of the most mainstream clubs in the city. Ex. - The Comedy Cellar. What Colin loved about The Cellar was the intensity of it. If you're "medium" at The Cellar, you're an asshole. . .so you better BRING it or you're FUCKED! Colin's deal was to succeed in both locations. He always thought a GREAT comedian should be able to kill it anywhere! Around this time, Colin met a comic named Steve Byrne, who would help Colin a ton in his stand-up career, as he has done for many other comics. Steve gave Colin an open ticket to join him on the comedy circuit to Hollywood, FL. One of the greatest weekends of his life. 

There were 6 shows. 1 Thursday. 2 Friday, 2 Saturday and 1 Sunday. Colin was the emcee, Neal Brennan was the feature act, and Steve was the headliner. Colin made $200 that entire weekend, which didn't cover his costs for flight/hotel. But, it was worth it. Let's just say that Colin took advantage of the city of Fort Lauderdale in a way that he would NEVER have the opportunity to ever again. Colin felt he peaked after his first show. But, he'll always have Fort Lauderdale. Colin was unknowingly through a hostile  crowd intentionally to see if he could survive. Sticking to the set he wanted to do was half the battle. Colin was chosen for New Faces, along with Jack Whitehall and Fortune Feimster, which meant getting a sitcom 6 months later. It gave Colin his first REAL credit as a comedian. Later that year, it helped Colin land his first-ever television appearance with Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.  Standing behind the curtain, about to go out on national TV, was one of the most exhilarating panic attacks he's ever had. When the curtain lifted and Colin went out there onstage . . .that was it until it was over. Colin would continue to have this feeling again with ALL of his firsts; including Weekend Update. Colin would feel before he and Michael Che hosted the Emmy's.  

Colin cares deeply about doing a set he's proud of and that he stands behind. He still does about 50-100 shows/annually - from theaters across the country to colleges, corporate gigs, casinos, and sometimes a random show in New York City. Stand-Up is like any other type of performance. You don't rely on anyone else but yourself. It's just you and a microphone; that can go in any direction. That is extremely liberating, especially in an industry where so much depends on forces that feel out of your control. Colin used to write out every single word that he would say onstage due to being anal-retentive. He had since made a "set list"  for every show that looks like it was written in Sanskrit.  

In 2012, Colin had been invited to the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Chicago to tape a 15-minute stand-up set that would air later. This was a BIG deal for Colin and he wanted to study for it intensely. Colin was on a conflicted situation due to a friend's wedding at the same time in Chicago. The bachelor party was the night prior to the wedding. Colin may not be as actively athletic as his friendly counterparts, but he is fiercely competitive. At a steakhouse in Chicago, Colin is trying to keep up with their drinking. As the bachelor party went under wry, they left dinner; when the group had already consumed approximately 140 bottles of red wine. Outside the restaurant is a Chicago P.D. paddy wagon. Colin thought "Oh Shit!" They were to be detained in the back of a van. 

Colin REALIZED his luck to the world. . . (white in the legal system.) A group of adult men being chaperoned by the police as they drink their way through increasingly sketchy bars across town. But, then again it was Chicago. With the Chicago status, Colin wasn't going to let the party disband. Colin wasn't that punchable. They proceeded to visit 4 different bars, each time rolling out of a police out of a police van as the patrons inside watched/wondered why criminals were allowed to stop for drinks on the way to prison. 4 Hours Later, they arrived at their final stop: A Large warehouse on the side of an expressway. Chicago WhirlyBall. After a few drinks with liquid courage; Colin is really good at the game. They play game-after-game. Colin feels like he finally found his calling within this game. The more liquid success Colin gains from it. . .this confidence grows. Only to be pointed out as a weak punch from Colin. But, with alcohol; Colin felt like the Heavyweight Champion Of The World.

Colin gets back to his hotel room at 3:00A and crawls into bed with his then girlfriend. Colin CRASHED into the bed with ALL of his clothes on. 2 Hours Later, Colin woke up. He was reeling in pain again. The most excruciating pain Colin had ever felt. After 15 minutes of hearing Colin bitch about his hand, his girlfriend kindly drove him to get his hand X-Rayed. The result was that Colin had broken his hand. They get him home at 8AM. Colin sleeps for a couple of hours, and then shows up to the wedding. What other people don't know won't hurt them. Colin and his friends began laughing within their group. Colin is somehow not in the worst shape. He has a broken hand; but Colin is a creature driven by a combination of guilt and F.O.M.O., which overrides EVERYTHING. As Colin ignores his broken hand and impending stand-up performance, he flat-out dies for the night.

It's 5 A.M. Colin tries to justify his actions of the night as material or his stand-up. When you're in comedy, alcohol is almost a performance-enhancing drug. Colin then grabs a PBR to toast and move onto their next morning/day. These moments with his friends; the pain and the hospital and eventual P.T. were worth it. Then, suddenly there were 3 cops busting in wearing full riot gear. Everyone Freezes. Colin felt like a high school kid in trouble and threw his beer on the floor; even though it's perfectly legal. A prank from a hockey player impersonating a cop who wanted to enjoy the party. The next night Colin filmed his set for TBS; while sporting a giant bandage. Looking back at their set on video, Colin realized he looked fucked-up. Perhaps because he only slept for 60 hours. . . Not the career spring board he had hoped for. It was his WORST! Taking his experience from the weekend, Colin used in his comedic act. 

Colin will NEVER say who is particularly responsible for writing what sketches belong to who on the show. Due to growing up Irish Catholic, pride was a sin. There is also something wonderful about not knowing. . . it alleviates pressure without being critiqued directly. Safety in numbers. Colin writes a sketch for the week and forgets it by the next. In Staten Island, Billy Joel's music has a strange, mythical power that brought the town together. Colin kept a playlist of Billy Joel's most popular song for mood/inspiration. The very first thing Colin did on Weekend Update was take an awkward moment to introduce himself... Right out of the gate. Colin embarrassed himself with his first introduction. It wasn't even Colin's idea. At dress rehearsal, Colin didn't introduce himself; he went right into the jokes. But, Colin was told he HAD TO introduce himself. Otherwise, it was weird. Colin learned 2 lessons he quickly learned:

1. You don't need to do anything in life - if it feels wrong or unnatural..it probably is.

2. Colin had no one to blame for never trusting his own instincts and pushing back when he felt something was wrong. 

When Colin began doing Update, he was operating purely out of fear. He had spent the last 8 years doing stand-up to be prepared for this exact moment, but this entire time, Colin was also a writer for the show. Within the walls of 30 Rock. . 

I'm Chevy Chase. . .and you're not!

That was Colin's identity as a writer. That was how most people thought of Colin and how he earned his money. Where Colin derived his self-esteem. What he also wrote under his occupation of his tax returns:Writer. With Weekend Update, Colin was about to begin a very different job, but in the exact same work place, which is strange. Colin was terrified about ruining both careers. . .writing and performing careers at once. Colin also feared his ability for the job. (Was he going to make an ass out of himself unintentionally) He was terrified he was going to fuck it up! (Looking at the HISTORY of Weekend that came BEFORE him. . .Chevy Chase (and he's not)) Colin's goal was to maintain what Chevy did; not re-invent it.

The first 8 Updates Colin did from March-May 2014, he felt like he was hit by a truck. he would drink a glass of bourbon before dress rehearsal and airtime; and a third before he went on. He never felt drunk once. The fear and adrenaline wore itself off. It was a 3 month long, out-of-body experience. What Colin does remember - quite vividly - were the negative reviews. Until you're on T.V., you never think how America will perceive you. Colin was being HIMSELF! He didn't overthink it. He was only 30-yrs-of-age. But, when Colin was on-camera, he was given LOADS of advice. It made Colin question who he was on-camera AND in his life. Colin began to worry. When you're unsure of yourself. . . people try to tell you. . .which DOESN'T help.  

Colin was instructed to be himself. But, be a newscaster first & foremost. Have Fun; but be SERIOUS! Different instructions to find a "relatable" personality. Due to allowing these different voices into his head, Colin never felt physically present at all. He would get nervous and his reaction was to smile or laugh on camera; which could probably come across as smug or overconfident even though Colin had ZERO confidence and he was acting out of pure fear. If you're a regular cast member on S.N.L., people may hate a character you do might criticize your impression of someone REAL!

But, when you're on Update, people hate

Colin as then-Mayor Pete Buttigeig

YOU! There's no hiding behind talent. When a whole group departed, the show struggled for a while due to the new cast being new and unfamiliar. Colin was squarely in the middle of some growing pains, both as a head writer and as a new guy on Update. Colin began to feel depressed due to watching his friends move on and suddenly gone. He felt like the kid in high school whose friends were graduating and he was a year behind them.

Che & Jost

But, with all of the criticism, Colin NEVER felt bad for himself because (a) he deserved it early on and (b) that was what Colin signed up for. But, everything is motivation. You take the good with the bad. You get punched and it snaps you into FOCUS! The reviews felt like a punch. As with most punches, it hurts ALOT! Colin took ALL criticism purely to heart and Colin was TRULY sad for 2 FULL years of his life. He felt like a failure in what he wanted to do the most. He thought about quitting many times. .  . (Unaware of the mental little voices inside his head like everyone else does.) Then, his anger got the best of him and Colin fought back. The person who helped him come to this realization was Michael Che.

After those rough first 8 episodes on Weekend Update, the season ended and the most confusing summer of Colin's life began. Colin had no idea whether he would be doing Update in the fall. He had no idea if he would be rehired as a writer. Colin didn't know where his options laid. When work is in a terrible paradigm, Colin mentally disappears to the beyond of. . where he could go and just BE! Colin goes through this mental escape at least once a month. Instead, Colin spent the summer on tour doing stand-up and he decided that whatever happened with Update, he wanted to be a better performer. Colin didn't exactly know how to . .so he began meeting with an acting coach. This was something Colin feared for the longest out of fear of embarrassment. Colin realized he had to breathe, feel his fear and go for it. How would he know unless he tried? So, Colin went all balls in and tried really hard. It wasn't just one thing Colin tried, it was the multitude of them simultaneously. Colin was a head-writer at S.N.L., he was a headlining stand-up comedian whom toured the country, and he was filming a movie for Paramount.  

So, Colin decided to narrow it down to one thing he cared about most: Weekend Update. He stepped down as head writer. Colin stopped going on the road to do stand-up during off weeks. Colin let the director and the studio edit the movie. He wanted to succeed at one thing instead of failing at 4. The only problem was, Colin didn't know if he had the one job he wanted most. In August, Colin got a call from Lorne's office. They were holding auditions for Weekend Update. So, Colin was going to audition for a job he ALREADY had. To this day, Colin has no idea why Lorne put him through this. Colin just felt like he failed. A week later, Colin got a call from his manager at the time. Putting things into Colin's mind that he relied on staff at the time of the show. It was a FULL PRANK-ING phone call that Colin did get the job. . .so it seemed. The whole exchange was disturbing. Colin did deeply care about this job. He just had a 90s kid mini-fit he dreamed of becoming to have a FINALIZED answer. Colin doesn't remember how his manager found out this information accurately. . .but he was right. Colin and Michael Che were doing Weekend Update together? Because until it's a DONE DEAL on the air. . .you don't know.  

There were 20 different combinations of anchors for Weekend Update. Colin felt like America had drawn the short straw to see him. But, he was extremely motivated to PROVE he could do it. At the end of Colin's second season on Update, he still couldn't believe he was still there. After 2 years of grinding and feeling completely lost, still having the job felt like a HUGE accomplishment. But, Colin didn't have ANY confidence. Leslie Jones truly helped Colin early on. He was so in his head, overthinking every joke - but when Leslie came on Update, she would LITERALLY shake Colin out of his head and into his body. She FORCED him to be present in the moment with her, the same way she forced the audience to sit up and pay attention. Colin will ALWAYS be GRATEFUL to Leslie for making Colin better, especially when a lot of Update felt like a work in progress.

Every summer for the first 3 ears of doing Update, Colin was convinced he was going to be fired. Then Colin turned a corner and realized: If he was going to be fired, he might as well get fired for doing what he believed in. Colin wanted to tell jokes and write sketches that he cared about and not really worry about anything out of his control. The rest is someone else's problem. The thing Colin learned about Weekend Update, and about S.N.L.in general, is that no one (including Lorne) actually knows what they want until they see it succeed. With the process, Colin learned to do what he thinks is funny and either it works or it doesn't. And it was Michael Che who helped Colin learn to trust his instincts. Colin has a fear of disappointing people. Resulting in him having crippling guilt. Che taught Colin that if you try to do something you love and something someone else wants you to do, they both suffer, and the thing you love might disappear entirely.

Colin has also learned that if a joke makes us laugh, in their office on Friday night, it's probably worth trying even if the audience doesn't like it. Colin learned to eliminate the jokes just because they're safe. Colin's first year at Update, he was advised to use the week to use your voice. These years later, Colin finally gets it. . .making sense. Once they began defining their voices, the Update writers could take more chances because they had a clearer sense of the "characters" they were writing for. Colin credits Che for questioning every step of the process and finding the way the production of their work is more valuable. It was also due to Colin being at the show for so long, he began to lose perspective outside of his existing one. That was how Colin & Che began showing up on-camera a lot more like they were in REAL life - both as individuals and as a unit. Their sensibility began coming through more; because they would wade through the bullshit they didn't care for. What started out as genuinely terrifying has become - most weeks - extremely fun.

Colin has no idea of their legacy on Update and he doesn't really care. He is just GRATEFUL for the ability to improve. He is eternally grateful for getting to do Update with Che because Colin would NOT have survived without him. 

Word of note: Many times in Colin's life, he ended up talking to someone widely famous without realizing it was way too late in the conversation. From then on, whenever Colin was unaware of the person he was conversing with, he tries to listen intently for "context clues" for a hinted giveaway. Margaritaville being a BIG contextual clue. Colin loves the restaurants. He likes the song. . .but the restaurant is the best ever based on a song. Colin may be the only person who knows Jimmy Buffet's restaurant better than his music. Let's just say Colin KNOWS the menu selections/design from memorization. He just loves the restaurant. Colin began to detail how he had a life-threatening surfing adventure with Jimmy Buffet. Only to be embarrassed in front of him trying to impress him while surfing.  

It's strange to look back at the moment in their show's HISTORY and try to remember what it felt like to work there that week. At this point, Colin had worked for 10 years and had written for presidential candidates like Barack Obama & John McCain. The show, S.N.L. is also a really disorienting place to work in general. Colin had experienced pretty much every bizarre show business moment there was. One thing Colin loves about S.N.L. is that they welcome musical guests from all over the country (and the world) with a wide-range of social & political views. People forget that S.N.L. is at its core a variety show. A variety show of viewpoints from ALL aspects. The majority of the show had ZERO to do with politics and the sketches, and the sketches that are beloved are rarely political ones. If you were to go back and examine all of the hosts in S.N.L. history - especially after the #MeToo Movement - you're going to find problems. (Henceforth - The Episode That Shall Not Be Named. - The Former Twice Impeached Disgraced One-Term "President".)   

Colin's grandfather always told him a story about John F. Kennedy. When Kennedy was a teenager, his father, Joe, made him a promise: Don't drink until the age of 21, and in return the promise was of a million dollars. Colin's grandfather made him the exact same promise to him. In fact, his grandfather offered 0 dollars. They offered an incentive for Colin to strive for. Colin made it to 15. At an alleyway in Middle Village, Queens is where Colin had his first drink; during his sophomore year of high school. Imagining himself within John's shoes and living up to the story didn't turn out the same for Colin. He had 10oz of a 40oz of Colt.45 and he was FLYING HIGH! He had snuck into a friend's parents garage, stole a 5-Iron from this friends' dad's golf bag and began hitting rocks at trash cans throughout Queens. To this day, the 5-Iron is still unaccounted for, and Colin's friend is now a lieutenant in the NYPD.

Colin didn't drink in high school. It just wasn't that interesting to him, and most of Colin's friends didn't drink either, outside of a few beers. He also felt (and still believes) that it's better to wait until your brain is fully cooked before ruining it with poison. Like me, Colin sees alcohol as a poison and danger to the body. . One should know! Drinking worries Colin due to it being a disease that sneaks up on you! Colin has/had family members gone/deceased to the disease. Colin has seen so much in his lifetime due to alcohol itself. Like myself, Colin learned from the world surrounding him. It's part of the ritual territory. It's the same for S.N.L.  You have to be vigilant, take days off and limit your intake so it doesn't overwhelm you. When Colin was growing up, his parents almost never drank. His parents might've drank during certain occasions. But, for them, not drinking was a reaction to the generation prior to them. Colin had learned from his genealogy, stories & lessons on the dangers themselves. (It could happen to me!)

Colin is always trying, and most failing, to drink less. He'll go a few days/weeks without drinking at all. Soon regretting his decision(s). But the problem is that Colin is a fun drunk. He becomes ambitious. Drunk with powerful ENERGY! He is also easily "dared" into doing dumb shit; like typical guys do. What seems like "FUN" while intoxicated; your body will suffer for later. Colin, while intoxicated, is known to bean idiot and a social menace; which Colin WHOLEHEARTEDLY APOLOGIES for. 

Drugs always terrified Colin because of fear of enjoyment that would derail his ENTIRE life. He never smoked pot until college and he never seen cocaine until he was 27 and a writer's assistant at S.N.L. walked into Colin's office and offered it. He was truly honored. Never mind the paranoia, Colin refused to be alone and physically suffered as a result. . .similar to the flu. .sleeping for 12 hours. That was his general reaction to pot. But,around the age of 28, Colin went on a date with a lady and she offered him a pot cookie. Colin was worried he might feel paranoid, but he had such a deep, eternal faith in cookies that Colin was confident they would cancel out the effects of marijuana. Letting him down in the end with disappointment.

Colin was at a GirlTalk concert in New York and having a great time. Then they went back to her apartment and the cookie suddenly hit Colin. He became so paranoid, Colin was convinced he was poisoned. In a moment of panic for a kid in his 20s, Colin called his parents. It was 2:00A and his parents had been sleeping for at least 4 hours. Colin spoke to his mom in a PANIC! of what to do? Due to still being HIGH, Colin went back to the hotel and forgot to make the call. Cut to an hour later, Colin and his date were having a great time when there was a knock on the door. FUCK! Colin was surprised when his parents barged in. He FRANTICALLY APOLOGIZED to his date. His date was SO HIGH she thought it was SUPER FUCKING FUNNY. His heart felt like it left his chest and is dancing an Irish jig on the radiator. Colin's mom made him lie down in bed and made him a cup of hot tea to calm & relax him. He is so paranoid that he fears his own mother is trying to poison him. So, Colin fakes it . . .drinking the tea and pouring it into his bed (like a dumbass). And while he's asleep, shivering; Colin hears his dad lecturing this poor girl on the dangers of drug usage. Weirdly, there was no second date.   

The next morning, Colin calls Casey, who was still living at home at the time. At 2A.M., their parents had knocked on Casey's door informing them of their whereabouts. The city for an adventure at 2;00A. Colin then begged for Casey's help after they left convinced he had been poisoned with PCP. Casey just laughed it off. Despite all of this, Colin tried a pot cookie one more time with the same friends as before. They were in the woods in Pennsylvania for New Year's Eve. Everyone decided to eat a pot cookie, so Colin - who OBVIOUSLY didn't learn anything the FIRST time - ate one too! They went for a walk in the falling snow, which was delightful. Like something out of a Robert Frost poem, only high. Then they came back to the house to watch Cloud Atlas. A perfect choice for when you're high. The character Tom Hanks played . . . along with the pot cookie . . . put Colin over the edge. Colin stood up and HAD TO relieve himself; when he TRULY went to hide in a closet for 2 hours until the movie was over and Colin's friends finally found him. Afterward, Colin didn't really know how to feel in post being TOO HIGH!

In the summer of 2016, Colin finally had a week off for the first time in 2 years. He was planning on sitting on a beach and doing nothing but surf and tan. Before leaving town, his agent called and asked if Colin wanted to meet with folks from Google? They wanted Colin to create some kind of content for their VR platform; waiting to show Colin their VR technology. What could possibly go wrong?  Until then, Colin only heard rumors. Colin had also invested a large part of his savings in Google stock, because he trusted the company (as much as one could trust any company). Colin arrived and met with 3 employees who worked in the VR department. After arriving in an empty office, they put a VR Headset on his head, plus noise-canceling headphones and VR gloves so he could partake in the experience. Colin was "fully emersed." The first demonstration was Colin on a diving board scenery. Soon after they took him on a second level.

They clicked a button and Colin was transported to the second floor of the diving platform of this size. Colin is DEEPLY afraid of heights, but over the years, he's forced himself to confront that fear as much as possible. He dove off a 3-meter springboard when he was younger and it was terrifying. Colin HAD TO convince himself to do breathing exercises. It was just water. Then, they wanted to take Colin to the TOP level. Second later, there he was. At the TOP level of the diving board platform. It felt extremely real. He had to walk to the edge. After he slowly arrived there, Colin looked down. 4 Stories from the ground, it looked way too small to dive in. Now, Colin was instructed to jump. After assuring its safety, Colin took a deep breath and jumped. Colin HIT something HARD in VR. In TRUE REALITY, some dumbass had placed Colin directly in front of a metal desk. When he jumped, Colin jumped right into the exposed metal edge of the desk. Colin hit his knee, elbow and sliced open the side of his stomach. 

They pulled the VR equipment off of Colin in a panic; worried about his status. What the fuck did Colin hit? A desk. That made Colin question the dynamics of the situation. What the fuck? It was a dare because no one's ever jumped from this platform before! After hearing that, Colin was oddly proud of himself. On the inside, Colin felt cool for this stunt. On the outside, he felt like a dumbass. While Colin was sitting there, trying to decide whether to go to the hospital, Colin was asked if he wanted to go try another VR game? It's just his cellphone and a headset. Colin tried to play it cool. . .especially being in shock from the fall. At this point, everyone seemed sympathetic and remorseful about what happened. After starting over again with the VR, Colin was somehow suggested to vocal text messages in front of his eyes. The texts were between co-workers. After hearing his reaction from his fall, Colin realized he was being a baby about his knee and blood on his shirt.

Scratch from Colin's side

One of Colin's biggest regrets was not getting back at those from the prank fall. Colin soon realized it didn't solve anything. He confronted those who set him up. He channeled what Che would say. Colin was shown sympathy for what happened. But, that only pissed him off more! That made Colin WANT to punch somebody. Here Colin was extremely reasonable, about a situation that was entirely their fault, sitting there with blood soaking through Colin's shirt and then asshole implied it was all Colin's fault whom instructed him to jump. . .Talk about being a fucking asshole. Not living up to the textual representation of Google. Colin thought FUCK THEM! and headed to the E.R. He had an M.R.I. on his knee and had to walk on crutches for his entire vacation. He had stitches on his abdomen and had to steer clear of the sun and water. He even chipped a bone in his elbow. For what Colin was in pain for, he was being looked at as a BIG BABY! He saw everyone else as a piece of shit. Google, did not pay Colin's medical bills and faulted Colin. Nor did they offer condolences. Just don't sue. Colin never heard from Google again. Colin never filed anything. He was TRULY angry at himself for going to a virtual space and paying for it in a REAL-LIFE hospital.

At S.N.L., they're fortunate to receive very few network notes due to being on at 11:30P on Saturday and no one knows what "standards" are at that hour, so if someone says "DICK" on NBC, no one's going to freak. Occasionally, they do get notes. Usually from those sponsoring the show. Some may be aggressive; but fair. Other notes they would receive from the network were "standard". . . because unlike cable or Netflix, you can't curse people on Network TV. Every week, they receive a list of words or phrases in numerous sketches that are "flagged" as inappropriate by the network. Had Colin made a point of collecting these notes over the past 10 years due to being the single most entertaining part of the job. We all miss a way to speak in the world without fear of "cancellation" or retribution. 

During intense arguments, Colin can get very angry very fast, but he also has a keen sense of self-preservation. When Colin is the most threatening person in a group. . .acting like a Billy Bad-Ass; that particular group is NOT going to win in a street-fight. It would be like Of Mice & Men. These whom would fuck with Colin physically; would feel like assholes from messing with someone like Colin - a genuinely great guy. Colin had completed a miracle of trolling. No matter what Jersey he wore, Colin was subject to ridicule from outsiders from what he wore/supported. He couldn't win for losing. Michael Che is a HUGE WWE fan. Colin was a BIG fan growing up. Che is NOW! Colin is an admirer as an adult. . . Che is a FAN! 

Che texted Colin one day asking if Colin liked wrestling? Colin wondered where

Che was getting at? Che assigned himself and Colin to do something with the WWE. Colin's passion for the sport RAN DEEP! He watched and built memories bonding with Casey, over the sport. Colin got into it. So, the idea of being anywhere near wrestling was both thrilling and WEIRDLY intimidating. Stephanie McMahon invited them. Their first stop was Monday Night Raw in Philly. So, Colin SEEN the work schedule of these wrestlers. He was AMAZED! Colin was so impressed by the ENTIRE operation and how much everyone cared about the last minute detail that required SERIOUS dedication. Before they were allowed to wrestle, they had to pass a physical. A doctor came to their SNL offices and took their lab(s) work. Other office members thought of a drug test around. Colin's labs shown a low account of Vitamin D. They then had to pass a "flexibility" test on the morning of. So, they met with the in-house doctor of WWE. The in-house mantra was NOT DIE! which became Colin's personal mantra in this situation.

They were sent to a practice warm-up. They were taught basic moves. Beyond that, they had very little idea about what would happen. Colin had his ENTIRE family/friends come to WrestleMania. Taking cues from John Cena about the sensation. After it was over, Che asked how Colin felt. . .being one of the BEST moments of Colin's life. The entire next week, Colin was congratulated & noticed for his being on WrestleMania. Colin felt like a superhero, for a day. Che talked Colin into wrestling and Colin talked him into the Emmy's.

Colin traveled to Central America 6 different times and had never had a problem before. Outside of being held at gunpoint by the police in Guatemala, and threatened to be thrown in jail unless paid a ransom of $200. There was a time where Colin contacted a parasite in Honduras and had had stomach pains for months until he had to give a bowel sample. Colin had to go through several rounds of antibiotics until it was absolved. Colin had truly never had a problem in Central America before. So, when he was bitten by something in Nicaragua in 2019, Colin figured it was a tiny mosquito bite and blew it off. Then, Colin noticed it wasn't just one bite. There were 6 bites on his right leg and 3 more on his left. Colin thought they were mosquito bites. The hotel they lodged in had an incredible homemade rum, so that helped ignore the bites for a couple of days. It was vacation. Everything else came along with it. When Colin got home, he was shocked by the remanence of his leg.

eggs in Colin's leg

After pressing down on his skin, instead of his skin bouncing back, it was indented. Like any other guy, he texted a photo to his mom. Kerry replied immediately. She asked the usual MOM/why questions. Come to find out. . .Colin had MRSA. . diagnosed from his mom, whom is an RN, who suggested her son start on antibiotics ASAP! Just in case. Colin took Doxycycline that his mom perscribed, but didn't work. Colin was particularly freaked out due to a friend from high school who almost died from MRSA. Others Colin knew suffered the same that wasn't fatal.Colin took the Doxycycline and waited for 3 days, but his leg only worsened. Enter Doctor #2 that Carrie referred her son to whom agreed with Carrie.They agreed to send Colin for a second opinion because his leg wasn't improving. This also happened to be a show week at S.N.L. So, Colin would stay up until 5AM writing sketches, sleep a few hours at work, and run to the hospital for what became a daily 8AM leg exam. Lorne's office referred Colin to Lorne's doctor (Doctor #3); which charged $2,000/hour, which worried Colin due to expenses. The doctor then turned to his computer and went to WebMD. It was NOT this doctor's expertise. He then typed in Colin's symptoms and looked concerned. Then, he went to Google images. After looking things over, it was a REAL "Scared Straight" moment for Colin. He turned to face Colin and was referred elsewhere to infectious diseases. He went back to S.N.L from 2A-7A. The next morning, Colin met with infectious disease doctors. 

After showing the doctor his leg, the doctor's face lit up. He scalped a piece of Colin's leg centered on the dark spots of infection. Sending them back to the C.D.C. for testing. After questions and examinations, the doctor seemed giddy to share his diagnosis. Best case scenario - wait for the eggs to hatch in Colin's leg. Having to run its course for the larva growing under Colin's skin and removing it with tweezers. The BEST case scenario is MRSA - which is TREATABLE! Kill the infection by freezing it. Hoping it heals itself; that does leave scarring. But, start with the basics and treat the MRSA while waiting for the rest of the results. . .going from there! Colin went back to work and started a new round of antibiotics, and began "suffocating the larva" with tape and bandages.

By the time the show happened on Saturday night, the swelling had gone down and Colin had removed the remaining 8 "sites" from his leg with tweezers. Colin's colleagues were very supportive. After going to the doctor the following week for a checkup, they were pleased with Colin's progress. BETTER! It should continue healing on its own. Colin has a recurring fear of being mediocre. Colin had worked at a variety show for the past 15+ years, and variety is exactly what Colin craved in his life - in his career, in his friends he's made, the ladies he's dated and others he's admired. One of the reasons for doing 100 things at once is a deep fear of failing. Colin has always had a foot out the door in case life turned sour on a great moment. His fear of leaving S.N.L. is due to finding NOTHING better. Colin will miss it when the day comes. It has been his entire identity thus far, as well as the vast majority of his career. Colin has been very grateful & lucky to be at S.N.L. this long. When he looks back someday, Colin's time at the show will be the best years of his life. . . .or so he thinks.

Since this book's publication:

Outside of work, Colin's life increased immensely with pleasure. He has since become a husband to muti-

Rose and Cosmo

award winning actress and all-around BAD-ASS to Scarlett Ingrid Johansson...to whom he shares a son, Cosmo Jost in 2021 and a step-daughter, Rose Dorothy Dauriac that he shares with Scarlett.