Let's start with this...It's okay! It's okay to laugh and cry. Step boldly into the unknown and occasionally jump over a fence. It's okay to share your heart and show your vulnerability. To love is to be vulnerable. In theory...The Bachelor therein of itself are a lot like life: Moments coming/going in the blink of an eye.
Here are facts to know about Colton:
1. He prefers texts over email. Or it's best to just call
2. He is into country music. Growing up, Colin was Team N'SYNC
3. Brussel Sprouts are his favorite food with sushi being a close second
4. Sangria is his favorite drink. Either that; or a glass of wine
5. He wears shorts to bed...but nothing if he's alone.
6. Colton is a neat freak.
7. He prefers showers over bathing. But, he always showers before a bath.
This was during a time when Colton was/is still trying to figure out his life. This much he knew, being with Cassie Randolf was his key to happiness - or so he thought. Colton knew he was supposed to be open-minded; but Cassie was the girl for him. FINALLY! Colton loves the water. He grew up snorkeling and scuba with the family. Colton therein is skilled and confident in his ability. The anticipation made him impatient. Colton is not good at waiting around for something to happen, good or bad. Colton teased plans, without revealing specific details, as was his role on The Bachelor.
They were more than a month into filming The Bachelor and its spin-off. Cassie sent his heart aflutter and dance with desire, Colton's emotions for her were REAL. That, in of itself, is SCARY! Express your vulnerability and risk the hurt. On top of that, millions of people were watching. Therein, how did Colton NOT KNOW? Cassie asked herself the same question regarding Colton. Everyone on the show was. Colon had spent years thinking about falling in love wondering whom that person might be and how would he know it happened? Was love possible. . .even on a reality show? Colton was only 26-yrs-old at the time. He was trying to figure himself out. One question only led to more. Who was Colton? Identity and the search for it began a lifelong quest. As a little boy, as a teenager, and finally into adulthood. Then, came the question about sexuality. Some questions Colton knew to ask . . . some he didn't. How would he KNOW? One thing was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN! Colton was in a state of confusion. On top of that, he also had Cassie.
Colton Scott Underwood was born January 26, 1992. His brother, Connor, was born 18 months later. When Colton was 6 years old, the family moved to Washington, IL. where his dad grew up. As Scott grew his construction business, he inherited a 20-acre plot of land and began turning it into a family compound, with homes from the family. Connor grew up surrounded by family. He was related to everyone on his block. They even vacationed as a family unit. As the family got older, they added an annual vacation to Mexico or various locations. Colton & Connor grew up in a paradise for boys. Given their father's background, putting on a helmet and pads was inevitable. Connor joined the team the following year. Colton was a big kid and strong, but also overweight, goofy and awkward. In addition to being KNOWN in his high school, as well as his father's job, Colton had grown and began to slim down. He was still pudgy, but that fat had turned to muscle from his work paying off spent lifting weights to one day turn pro like his idols; Michael Strahan & Payton Manning.
With hard work, Colton was the only kid to get 3 jerseys. . .making the freshman and sophomore team. He was then put on varsity. Colton WORKED HARD to PROVE HIMSELF to AVOID Nepotism. His work paid off. They seen he was big, strong & fast. Colton THRIVED in the sport. Despite the outward appearance, Colton was shy, introverted and insecure. He was on his way to scholarship if he worked hard, which he did. Discipline and working his craft and another growth spurt turned Colton into an elite competitor. The best and most meaningful accolade Colton received was a write-up in the Peoria newspaper. Scott guided his son through the college process. Between his sophomore and junior years, they visited prospective schools so Colton could work with various recruits. Talk about a REALITY check of what to expect. Colton was body slammed on his back HARD to the ground. NOT something he was used to. Scott seen it LIVE! A lesson he NEVER forgot. But, Colton wised up. He worked harder and smarter. After more bruising in various states, he picked himself up. . .learned from it and did better. After weighing his options and seeing what would be best beneficial; playing defense was his BEST shot and Colton LOVED it.
Coaches came to Colton's defense. Pro-teams scouted them. Colton was ready for his football career to take off in a big way. All of Colton's hard work seemed like it was paying off. He loved playing college football and his dream seemed just around the corner. It was a helluva good time....until it wasn't. Colton was with 3 roommates, whose weekend pursuits of a "typical" college boy. They teased Colton for being a straight arrow, but he wasn't comfortable being anything else. Colton, therein, wasn't ready looking back. Colton was mellow with his family, as he was every weekend. He was a homebody, but he enjoyed hanging out with his family. Until Colton & Connor were given word of their parents divorce. The EMOTION was written in their parents faces...but the verbal news to Colton was a shell-shock. Emotionally knocking Colton on his ass. Colton seen divorce as the ultimate failure. Colton felt the walls of his security fall apart coming down. All he felt was anger. Anger that raged and boiled until it consumed him. Colton HAD TO bolt and get out of there! Colton flashed a defiant look. He got in his Jeep and got the hell out of DODGE! He couldn't get away fast enough back to school.
As a college junior, Colton's efforts on the football field earned him All-American. He was 6'3, with a weight of 265LB. He was the picture statuesque of a hyper-masculine strongman, the star player. But, the impression Colton gave on the field didn't reflect the emotional and vulnerabilty's he struggled with off the field. Trauma from middle school due to bullying resurrected on the field to be aggressively avenged then. But in the weeks/months of Colton's parents divorce, he lost it. Colton's size/strengths hid the fact that he was still a 19-yr-old kid in shock. Under normal circumstances, Colton would've gone to his parents, for help, but how could he? He tried to deal with it on his own, but he felt disappointed and let down. Colton's faith was shaken. Although he never went to church regularly, Colton still wanted to believe in God. One day in the middle of football practice, Colton ran off the field feeling strange and anxious. When he got to the sideline, Colton got down on one knee, out of breath, and feeling out of control. Colton was NOT focused on football. His thoughts were racing. Scott had put their house up for sale. Both of his parents were moving to Denver for a fresh start. Being a child of divorce, even at 19, you wonder about you.
Sometimes in his conversations with his coach, Colton would go overboard; with his coach being patient and understanding, would rein Colton in and call him out on his shit. Outside of the realm of football, Colton was excruciatingly antisocial. Colton was always invited out, but politely declined what wasn't for him. He would binge T.V. or video games. After the football season, Colton spent nearly every weekend at home in Washington. Crashing with his grandparents after his parents' relocation to Denver. Occasionally, his roommates pressed him to stay/share in their fun. Colton always made up an excuse why he never partaked. At the time, it was easier to lie than to BE HONEST! One day, Colton was called out on it. He was fearful and scared. He just doesn't like being put in an awkward situation. That was the end of that. NEVER brought up again until Colton was READY!
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| Colton's parents: Scott & Donna |
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| Dwight Freeney |
anticipation evaporated. When you're down, your family is there to pick you up. Once the news was out, Colton's agent advised him to NOT GIVE UP! He sure wasn't going to! Though he went undrafted; over the next week, 6-or-7 teams extended their contracts to him, including the 49ers, offering him $15,000 to sign. Colton politely declined due to it being a cheap shot compared to what they've given others. So, back to the drawing board. In need of a linebacker, Colton signed with the San Diego Chargers. This was the dream. Colton was suited up and on the field with the team's future Hall Of Fame quarterback and many more. One afternoon, as Colon walked back to his hotel room from the practice facility, Colton was offered a ride from his hero and childhood idol, Dwight Freeney, and played it cool until he was back in his hotel room. Then, Colton called his dad and turned into a 10-yr-old again.
Colton KNEW a job wasn't guaranteed so he made sure his play stood out on the practice fields, but in the football world, actions speak louder than words, it was Colton's words that made the biggest impression. In response to a practice field question, Colton was asked "What his number was?" in contribution to ladies he's slept with. . .We all know the number game. Colton immediately thought OH SHIT! After mental languish, Colton went with a here-goes-nothing; balls to the wall truth of zero. The room went flat and out of air. No one expected this answer. . .not even Colton himself. They were 100% supportive. Colton's sex life - or lack thereof one - was one of those things - that I, again, can personally relate to - life got in the way of having one. Colton was a high school freshman when a female junior became the recipient of his first kiss. Other than a few dates here-and-there, Colton was too focused on football to have extracurricular's, like a girlfriend or a social life. Between workouts, practices, and games, Colton had NO TIME! Colton would date ladies. They would get to a point where he was uncomfortable and say he had to go home. Making up excuses. Colton's inability to explain himself made it extremely awkward. How Did Colton NOT KNOW? He just didn't. Colton wished he possessed the maturity to discuss what happened and how he felt. Feeling scared and unsure of himself, something few would have dared suspected of someone his size and stature, as a captain of the football team.
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| Colton with his dad, Scott |
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| Colton & Harper |
Aware this was his make-or-break year in terms of moving up in rank from practice squad to full-time player, Colton invested $15,000 of his own money in a personal trainer and got to work for the linebacker position in the league. After the opening, Colton attended the initial meeting for the entire defense. No one told him he was moved to fucking offense. Colton was clueless on how to handle his new position. Colton hadn't played offense since high school. Even then, Colton played full-back; not tight-end. He couldn't remember the last name he ran a route or caught a pass. It didn't make any sense. Although Colton offered a can-do-attitude, mentally Colton was a mess. Then, one day Colton noticed a card on the bulletin board outside the locker room offering mental health services, After practice and in the privacy of his hotel room, Colton called the number and made an appointment. After one question with the therapist, Colton's floodgates widened for whatever unknown reason. After one simple question. Colton told the therapist EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING contributing to the stress, pressure and anxiety. Therein relation to! There was no pleasure in football. Only a profession. He didn't want to let his father down, among others.
Colton told the therapist EVERYTHING! Everything he thought was a contributing factor to the stress, pressure, and anxiety he felt in regard to football, family and how the 2 overlapped. It felt more like a penance than a passion. He didn't want to let anyone down; especially Scott. Talking helped clarify things. So, Colton had LASIK surgery in June. But then, a few days later, Donna informed her son of Colton's dog, Bullet, needing to be put down. The news hit Colton in the gut. Raising them from puppies, they KNEW Colton and unconditionally loved him. He burst into tears, caught a plane to Denver and said goodbye. This loss destroyed Colton to the point of quitting football. After letting time pass, Colton returned to pre-season training camp in August. On the 3RD day, Colton ran flat into getting his knee blown up! BOOM! Extreme pain! He felt pain before. . .NOTHING like this! Slowly. . .Colton got up, unstrapped his helmet, threw it to the ground, and went to the locker room. He was DONE! Or so he should've been.
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| AC Sprain |
Finally, the Raiders cut Colton. He was SO RELIEVED! At least, NOW Colton's body could HEAL! A few days later, Colton's agent wondered of his progress. Was he ready to go? He was NOT READY! His new mission was to get well. After getting another M.R.I., Colton NEEDED surgery. After informing the Raider's of his condition, expecting them to cover the costs. They bailed on their financial responsibility. Colton disagreed and filed an injury grievance with the N.F.L. Colton's career was OVER! What was next and the future plans for Colton? He would try dating.
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| Colton & Aly |
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| Love Hurts - Cher |
In mid-December, Colton & Aly went public with their relationship after 4 months. They were tired of hiding it. After a night out at an event, they were buzzing internet news. Aly had spent the holidays in Denver with Colton. Colton embraced their different religious beliefs as an opportunity to learn & grow. When Aly SEEN Colton's dedication to the outcome and work from the Foundation, she SEEN how lucky they were when taking a step back. Colton was perfectly happy in this relationship. It was satisfying and serious. But, he was harboring a secret. One of many being that Colton was flat broke from the costs of his shoulder surgery costing him $40,000 - a majority of his savings. The rest went for out-of-pocket to see Aly. Colton went so far as to sell his car. He loved her as much as he could. Colton could tell her anything and everything - among a few secrets - one being that he had NO money. She would've helped Colton and come up with a savings plan. She was there for him in a way that made him want to be there for her 10x over. Aly challenged him to be a better person.
Colton tried to be there for Aly after she detailed the entanglement in the news with being victimized by Larry Nassar. Colton felt helpless. He wanted to do something; but didn't know that. Colton assured her safety. Within time, Aly ended their relationship during a FaceTime as Colton was driving his Jeep. Colton pulled over to the side of the road, stunned and unable to comprehend what was happening. Aly had felt overwhelmed, confused, and in need of a break. Colton broke down emotionally in his car. He was numb for days. He reached out to Aly several times with NO responses. After no responses, answers or information, Colton didn't know where to turn. He would go for long runs, replaying conversations in his head, wondering the What-If's. The ultimate reasons for the demise of Colton & Aly's relationship at the time, were only shared between the 2 of them. She may not have been right after him - understandably so. Aly had more in her life to struggle with without Colton alongside her. All Colton could do, as much as the split HURT, was show and be SUPPORTIVE! Losing in love was painful, but Colton was a better and wiser man for having opened his heart to her as time would heal ALL wounds and TRUTH comes to light.
At the age of 25, Colton had lost his dog, Bullet, football and his girlfriend. Those were the TOP 3. He thought he should've had his life figured out. Colton had NO CLUE what he wanted to do next. Colton had no career lined up and was left gutted from a heartbreak. He likes and needs a routine and schedule. A thrive or sense of purpose. But, he had none of the above. Without the Foundation, where in Colon had advanced a next level chapter called The Legacy Project, a way to give money portable breathing machines to a CF patient in each of the 50 states; Colton would've been lost and utterly lost & depressed. As it was with his life's trajectory, Colton was feeling the "woe-is-me" in Scott's basement. Colton didn't want to be this way; or one who's glory days were too soon, so he vowed to find a way out of his rut. He began by signing up for online classes he needed to get his degree. But, the acknowledgement felt hallow. He missed having someone say they were proud of him. For blazing though the couses and cheering him on as he plotted his next move. Again, this is a very difficult time for Colton. When life gets in the way; it's HARD to FOCUS on yourself and BE YOURSELF and BE HONEST! Colton KNEW he had the power to change that, with growing frustrations daily; Colton threw caution to the wind and stated he was going to date. Since he couldn't get his professional life on-track; Colton tried to change the trajectory of who he was. A fucking last minute Hail Mary from Colton's faith. Thinking this could be what sets him straight, so to speak.
smiling as he looked for information. . . there it was. BINGO! A sign next to the door leading inside the Hard Rock: OPEN CASTING CALL: The Bachelor. This was Colton's Ah-Ha! Moment. Colton had recalled watching an episode of The Bachelorette that advertised an upcoming casting call in Denver. This was it. The show was casting for Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s season. This explains why only women were in line. As Colton was making his exit, a guy from the show's casting department stepped outside and looked directly at him. Asking Colton of his whereabouts. Moments later, Colton was inside and following him upstairs. He was then ushered past the line and the first round of screening, and then asking him questions in front of a camera. Colton in which played along. Being "somewhat" honest of his background. Vaguely honest. He was in a funk. He was broken up with. He was in a position to put himself out there. After walking by and seeing the interview line, Colton mentally seen a sign of his future. This line. This show. This opportunity. Colton seen it all as his final steps to a saving grace. He wanted to be honest but not volunteering too much of himself. Leaving his bullshit at the door. When he's in love, Colton is all in and looking for it to be reciprocated. He seen this as a golden opportunity for him. It would force him to date. Colton couldn't be able to chickenshit his way out. He noticed himself over-talking and blabbering and he insightfully shut up. Colton was then given paperwork to fill out and assigned to return with a self-video he had to create. Answering the questions on-par the video. After it was reviewed, toss-up as to whether Colton would actually make it on the show. So, he did as directed when he got downstairs right away. As he sat down, a young woman began actively flirting with him. Colton had NO IDEA what he was in for. Was he ready for this next step? Only one way to find out. . .
After the traditional questionnaire of his past relationships and criminal record, Colton carefully answered the questions that saved face. He was honest in the description of himself in 3 words: Creative, compassionate & charming. Then, came the quencher question: Why? Why find a wife on reality TV? Colton was being HONESTLY vague. . .He needed HELP! The next day, Colton made the video, threw it in the mailbox and completely forgot about it.
Casting invited Colton to continue the casting process on 1-of-3 upcoming details in Los Angeles. Scott and the rest of the family offered a much better reaction, and encouragements. Colton then explained that they would get to know him better, as much as he could divulge as honest as he could be, being fiercely scared, as they looked to cast season 14.
Colton arrived at the show's Burbank office at the end of October. He went into a conference room and met 6 people from production and casting. They asked questions in retribution to Colton's questionnaire. Colton added that he combined this trip to L.A. with some post-career training provided by the N.F.L. Colton stated he was figuring out what was next. He also added that he was trying to lose some weight explaining that the gaining came on quickly and wasn't working out intensely as he should/liked since his shoulder was tender and life getting in the way. Production seemed thoroughly amused with Colton's weight struggle. It was unexpected. Before he left, Colton was suggested to look at the viewing pictures online the following day of all of the ladies of the upcoming season. Look at the photos, read their bios and let them know which girls were Colton's "type".
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| Tricia & Ryan Sutter |
Colton started out the window if the plane with his head literally in the clouds. Thoughts were racing through his head. Thinking of the outcome he hoped would change his life. When the plane hit turbulence, it was a reminder to slow down and pace himself. First things first. . .Colton had to get on the show. Getting his ducks in a row, Colton had work to do.
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| scar being across right shoulder/chest |
Colton remembered being asked about his number when he was with the Chargers. He was mildly telling the truth with one hand. Another producer in the room asked how Colton felt about kissing and making out with cameras pointed at him and a production crew watching, along with millions of people tuning in with social media. Alot of the questions posed to him weren't thought about until asked. How much was Colton willing to reveal? How far will they go? Colton longingly looked at the ceiling tiles looking for the answers. They obviously weren't. This whole adventure would continue to address making Colton uncomfortable. Colton was "ready" to put them behind them - in front of the country. Talk about pressure! Colton gave answers to what he was comfortable with. He was chill and willing to do some things on camera. Was Colton ready to open his heart and risk heartache LIVE! on-air? Before they could continue on, Colton asked what he thought was an option for the next Bachelorette? That he was ready for after reading spoilers. Becca, Tia & Lauren. Production COMPLETELY AGREED! Then, Colton was finished. As they finished, Colton enjoyed L.A. for his 26TH birthday the next day with his mom.
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| Colton & Tia |
Colton was eager to get some insider gossip when he FaceTime'd with Tia vacationing in Fort Lauderdale with Becca and another Bachelor participant. In the midst of fun over the phone, it was sensed that they wanted Colton to be the next Bachelor. They wanted him to . . . They wanted Colton to have the same experience. If it was offered, they wanted him to take it. As Colton waited for an answer, he began to have doubts/concerns. Typical of Colton. Colton was fearful and nervous to blackout. SCARED SHITLESS! It was no different when he was back in high school & college social settings. But, without risk . . .there is no reward. Was he crazy? Colton never signed up for a dating app before within this time-frame. It was a recipe for disaster, failure, foolishness. Why bother? After Aly, when Colton had spent a time of his life with, why not with someone else? The debate of whether to do this on LIVE! T.V. raged in his head. In the meantime, was that Colton was no longer broke. He had moved out of his dad's and relocated to an apartment outside of Denver properly. Then on a Saturday morning, Colton heard the ping of his e-mail . . .and within that second. . .Colton's life changed. FOR THE FIRST TIME!
Production could've asked about sensitive issues: Tia & Colton's virginity. People didn't need to know EVERYTHING! By March, Colton was counting the days until his flight until he left for L.A. Spending time with family & friends. With just a couple of days to go, Colton got a call from a woman in casting. He was getting his teeth cleaned when she called. What joy! She wanted to make sure Colton was READY with a final checklist. Colton was SET TO GO! All Colton had to do was have fun and be himself . . .as "authentically" as he could be!
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| Chris & Colton |
Colton claimed his 2 bags and found his driver. An hour later, he was dropped at the hotel; Westlake Village. There, a welcoming production coordinator met him in the lobby and offered him a large, empty envelope with Colton's name on it. Colton had to place ALL electronics in this envelope. He found his room and stayed there for 3 days with a producer keeping Colton company during the day, getting to know each other on the surface. Without interaction; Colton had withdrawals. You don't know what you got 'til its gone. Just cold turkey! The other guys had gone through the same thing. Colton scheduled gym time and worked out in privacy; intentional but unfortunate. Colton's room was on the first floor and from the balcony; Colton was right across from the pool and hot tub. On the 2ND day there, the temptation of the hot tub was too tempting to resist. He was going stir crazy. He waited until the wee late hours of the midnight hour before slipping into the hot tub. After dipping into the hot water, Colton was fearful that others would hear his loud relaxational pleasure. It was the most perfect hot tub ever - until Colton was hit by a wave of paranoia and panic. Out of fear of getting caught, Colton hauled his ass out of the water in a single motion and ran back inside - but undetected! All he had to do was wait one more day! Finally, the big day arrived. Colton and the others were going to meet Becca.
Colton's producer was whom he had to tell what bothered him. His promise to keep Colton's secrets secret wasn't working. Colton was crumbling under the weight of his own inclination to tell the truth. About telling Tia and other ladies prior to filming. Colton explained their prior histories. Their introduction had been so fast Colton could barely remember it. No more than a hello. After listening without emotion, her response did nothing to help his anxiety or calm his paranoia. Then again, Colton's ass was in front of a camera; not hers. That did nothing to help Colton's anxiety. After being informed of the first conversation. . .the lady would recognize Colton. Becca didn't seem upset. He took that as a sign of Colton's inability to kick off the show at the last minute, which was a HUGH relief. Colton's breathing returned to normal, and ever so gradually, so did the rest of Colton. Colton was assured he would be okay. He hoped he would be! Let's Get This Party Started!
As the sun was setting, Colton was being escorted with his producer into the hotel lobby. Then, Colton seen several of the other guys. Before he could introduce himself to anyone, Colton was led to an open door at the back of an idling limo. 3 guys were already inside. A producer and cameraman were also wedged toward the door. Colton got in and broke the ice with a joke! Making the ride itself much more chill/relax. Sharing friendly chit-chat along the ride about how nuts this ''reality' was becoming all the way to the mansion. Conversation stopped. After months of prep; REALITY sat in! All of the guys were thinking of what to say to Becca for an introductory line. First impressions count ALOT! Production offered assistance where the guys were lacking. Colton settled for party poppers initiating to get the party started/popping! Colton was rehearsing what to say 1,000x as he watched other guys. Colton took it all in. This was ALL REAL, surreal & crazy. Colton managed to block his fear that Becca recognized him. What would happen if she did? Breathe. Then Colton's turn was up.
Colton was freaking out a little. After being given instructions of what to do; what sounded easy was completely blank! Colton had no memory of introducing himself to Becca. He watched it later on TV, and all seemed to go well. All a complete blank! A successful meeting from what he could remember! The next thing Colton remembers, he was walking into the mansion's living room and finding it packed with a bunch of coiffed & dressed good-looking guys. The room buzzed with a nervous, hyper-competitive energy. Everyone was on edge. There was nothing to do until Becca finished meeting all of the guys. Then one-on-one's would begin. Colton looked around the room and thought there were alot of really good-looking guys here! It was intimidating. Colton managed to enjoy meeting some of the guys. Colton had won a small victory. Becca hadn't recognized him, or she played it cool. Colton had no idea or recollection other than a HELLO!
By the end of the night, Colton was one of the few guys who wasn't still holding onto his rose. He was never sentimental about them, unlike some of the other guys. After a few hours of sleep, they'd climbed back aboard the shuttle, this time with their bags, and moved into the mansion. All of them were assigned roommates. Colton claimed a single bed off to the side, though he had to stack his 2 suitcases at the end so his feet wouldn't hang on the side. As Colton began to unpack, he began to think of the historical luck of Becca's previous interests. Colton began to think if he was indoubtedbly wasting his time? Questions lingered Colton mentally. Weighing him down. Colton was amazed at the way one tiny spark of concern could erupt into major paranoia. He didn't want to go home this soon. Colton gave everyone a 3 month time-frame. Colton obsessed over whether to tell the truth or keep his mouth shut. In the end. . .the HONORABLE way was the TRUTH of acknowledgement. When it was Colton's turn to speak to Becca, he was straightforward and matter-of-fact. . .as only Colton can. The "REAL" truth. But, that was HISTORY, as far as Colton was concerned, and a brief one at best.
There were too many moving parts to keep track of going against masters. Colton sensed that Becca was playing the game, but also that she truly liked him. Colton reminded himself to be "AS AUTHENTIC AS POSSIBLE!" in every situation. In any relationship, let someone see your REAL self. . .not just your BEST self. Colton truly did want this to work. As he waited for Becca to enter the party, Colton worked out a plan in his head. It may have been pretty bold, but it would make a statement and serve as a clear reboot of their situation.
Once Becca got in front of Colton, her impression was impossible to read. He did NOT see her smiling. . .she had a complete poker-face. Becca was in complete silence . . . .which was deafening and is there anything sharper than a deafening silence? Colton wanted Becca to say something. Anything. Or just smile again. In awkward situations, the mind is a dangerous place to be! Due to past conversations with previous people around, Colton thought she knew more than she led on. Colton had an overwhelming urge to tell her EVERYTHING he'd ever done or about himself; EVERYTHING! Whatever she wanted to know, Colton was an open book. He was willing to confess to anything. Finally, Becca broke out a big grin. Whatever it was laughing at him or nerves, Colton didn't care. They had a good talk, an even better kiss, and he knew things between them were going to be okay.
Colton realized he might as well have had it imprinted on his forehead. Secrets aren't safe for Colton. . .especially his own. Now, that's ironic. Colton didn't want to bring up his virginity status unless he absolutely had to! In week 5 of the show, Colton heard the destination was Las Vegas. He had been there a few times and came up with a list of possibilities. But, production had other plans. With as much as everyone could joke, the show tried to keep class among the mission at hand. After a long arduous scheduled date, Colton returned to the mansion to find that his virginity had gone from a hot topic to going viral within the house. Colton had confided to his mansion-mates, the 2 guys whom he was the closest. He doesn't know why he felt compelled to spill the gossip on himself; but Colton had to slightly unburden himself. Maybe, Colton was testing the waters. They were surprised to hear what they heard. The word virgin used in this context was foreign to them for a minute. But, they were supportive! And talkative! Telephone, telegram, tell-everyone. Traveling was through the house like wildfire. Like a rumor at a slumber party. One guy admitted to sex addiction. If the showrunners & production knew this, that guy wouldn't be there! Colton and this other guy represented the EXTREMES! for the show. Comments and wisecracks didn't bother Colton. They said more about the person making them than Colton. As he discovered in high school, sexual preference is NOT a choice. There may be questioning, fear & embarrassment and figuring it out may take sometime, as well as some courage. Asking questions and experimentation. Finding your comfort zone and revealing your true, naked self through an act of love - with someone who will share in that experience and make you feel good about it and about yourself.
Colton had chosen to stay a virgin until he fell in love. But, that doesn't mean that Colton hadn't been intimate. He just hasn't been all the way. Just getting close and making each other feel good. Colton seen NO negative side. Neither was it a reason to be ridiculed or shamed. When someone gave their sexual number, Colton had NOT slut-shamed them, envy of them, nor did he make jokes. Colton respected them as they did him. Whom was Colton to judge? But, on the spe.ctrum, Colton knew he was judged every time he admitted his virginity. Contrary to the image. Those whom got to know him discovered it was only one facet of him. It didn't define him. It was much less interesting than the work Colton did with the foundation. One act helped prolong life, the other lasted a few minutes. The mistake would be to think that Colton would trade his virginity for a fling. He just wanted to be in love when he made love losing his virginity. Not an easy pre-condition. That was one reason why Colton was on The Bachelorette.
Maybe the fact that Colton didn't make sex the defining issue of his masculinity made him more interesting to some people. There were many multiple variables in which this could be played out, Colton refused to see a negative. All he could do was make choices that felt right for Colton; that was all there was to say on it. If it made people uncomfortable that was on them/their problem. Don't judge someone's laundry unless yours is clean. Weren't they all there because of something missing - or someone from their own lives? It was part of whom Colton was. It may have been embarrassing; but that would last long enough to speak it. Everyone was understandable without judgement. It might've made Colton more attractive! Once it was said out loud, they could move on! No big deal, right?
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| Blake & Colton |
As they headed to the Bahama's week 7, at this point, Colton didn't care whether he was among Becca's TOP choices. He was in the Bahama's and just taking it in and loving it. The trip to Nassau was better. At this point, Colton was ready for the conversation. It was just a word. Only 2 syllables. Vir.Gin. No. Problem. That afternoon, Becca & Colton went snorkeling. While enjoying themselves, it was an opportunity to get even more personal. It was a much friendly appreciative slip that let Colton know he was on Becca's list for hometowns. Some of the pressure was off. Colton was nervous to go back home. He talked about things on the show that his parents didn't even know. They were soon to find out.
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| Colton & Becca |
As the evening progressed, Becca looked opposite him. She had a cocktail in front of her and Colton had a glass of white wine. Colton wanted to tell her something. It was something Colton struggled with articulating. Take a breath. Colton had put football ahead of everything; including his personal life. Among alot more. One being his virginity. The words came out of Colton in a halting manner. He was more nervous than he actually was. The word virgin had a strange kind of power that made it hard to say even after committing to tell her. Why? Everyone is a virgin to a certain point. Even at this point in age, it was still off-key and shy for Colton. He only spoke of it literally a number of times; his ex-girlfriend, Tia, the show's producers, several guys on the show and a roomful of N.F.L. linebackers. He wasn't even sure his dad, Scott, knew. Colton addresses that it should be publicized due to everyone involved with him romantically needed to know. Becca had to leave the table to gather her thoughts. They had a nice thoughtful talk at the table. Colton appreciated the REALNESS in the conversation. Colton was assured of NO judgments about his personal decision. He was even more respected.
Discussions between guys on whom they thought Becca was going to choose was fun; similar to fantasy football. One of the guys asked Colton what he thought would happen next, after Becca dumped one of the guys. They guessed that Colton would be 4TH on the list. Maybe, given that Colton was eliminating himself. In the guessing of how & who, Colton was mostly right. 3 guys & Colton made it to hometowns. Colton KNEW he wasn't going to be selected or picked in the end; so he said his goodbyes; MEANT it, wished the others "good luck" and flew back to L.A. with his producer; whom took over as his full-time babysitter. They shopped, worked out, and visited Colton's favorite steakhouse on the show's tab. Still prohibited from access to Internet, Colton couldn't search for any spoliers about their hometowns. He could only hope his was okay. And it sure did.
After landing in Denver and taking in their first breath of the air, Colton was excited to be there. What began as introductions to their homes, Becca got a TRUE taste of Colton when they met with kids at the local children's hospital and Colton introduced her to the work he did with the Foundation. As he told her, these visits always made Colton a better person. Confident of having made a strong, positive impression, Colton psyched himself up for the family dinner at his dad's house. Colton held his breath as Becca met his parents and their prospective spouses, Connor and his fiance, Jennica, and other family members. Although the group totaled 18, they weren't a family. They were a team. Team Colton. They were loving, protective, skeptical and completely unpredictable. Scott prepped his son's favorite meal - salmon, potatoes, asparagus & mac/cheese - Scott was a straight shooter. Donna was even more of a wild card. She HATED the ENTIRE prospect & being of the show. She let it be known. Colton threw footballs. Donna threw foul language.
When Becca & Colton got to the house, he KNEW it was going to be a make-or-break for him. Scott was blunt with Becca. He told her not to pick his son if she wasn't sure. It was better to hurt them now than down the road. Donna was supportive either way; but she played for cameras until she could hear the TRUTH from her son. Before she spoke with Becca, mother/son went off by themselves and Colton confessed his virginity to his mom. This was the first time Colton admitted it to her; nervous but more anxiety and nervousness would roam when Colton would come out with more later with his parents. His producers gave Colton a ton of support leading to the talk. Production agreed it would be in Colton's best interest to tell Donna so she didn't find out on TV. This kind of constant push for emotional honesty is what scared Colton the most about being in the show and also what he loved the most. It forced Colton to begin having brutal honest conversations with his parents that would've remained unspoken otherwise. In doing so, they were able to become closer; especially father/son. Scott got to know his son for him for more than just a football player. They talked about REAL shit.
As soon it was painfully apparent that Becca's thoughts differed from Colton, he did not get a rose. He was surprised and hurt. Only hurt in the sense that Colton had been "honest" about himself and opened his heart, believing the emotions were reciprocated, but in the end it wasn't enough, and it wasn't him. That kind of hurt NO MATTER whom it is! The shock of it actually happening and realizing this dream ride is over. Colton said his goodbyes to the guys; and then Becca & Colton parted ways. Wishing each other the best w/ NO hard feelings. It's better to end on a good note, then lost a good friend. Colton and his producer went back to the hotel. He stayed there for the next 2 days; catching up on sleep and his workouts. It felt so good to just let go and be off schedule from nearly 3 months inside The Bachelorette bubble. When Colton was given back his cell phone, it was like he was given back the keys to his REAL life; although NOTHING would be the same again. Production looked at the notoriety and status name upgrade that came with Colton's time on the show. As Colton flew back to Denver the next morning, the staff stayed in touch with Colton. They said he would be a good bachelor. Something Colton hadn't given much thought to....considering what else was hidden from Colton wasn't ready to face. . .let alone say out loud. But, Colton was seeing what was possible.
The next day, Colton powered up his phone. He had 1,600 text messages, 240 missed calls, and more than over 10,000 e-mails. He called his parents with an update, and Scott wondered if his family blew it for his son. Colton assured his dad that Becca was never going to pick him and gave him the full download of the experience a couple of days later when Colton got home from Denver. Despite what she told Becca, Donna was relieved her son didn't return with the supposed future of a daughter-in-law. They debated the difference between meeting someone in a bar, a dating app or reality show and in the end agreed it came down to chemistry, timing, desire, compatibility, trust and all that's in-between.
Paradise was what you made of it. If you want to party, you can. If you want to chill, you will. Exactly what Colton needed to hear. When Colton settled his affairs, he packed and headed for Mexico. He intended to be there for 2 weeks or less. If he stayed longer, Paradise would have a potential crossover episode. On his way to the airport, Colton stopped at Home Depot and SMARTLY bought a portable swamp cooler for his hotel room together. The hotel was fabulous but boring. He binged-watched movies completely overate that when he did finally step onto the Paradise beach, he felt the weight of the food he ate. Chris Harrison welcomed Colton with a date card. As he said, Colton was there to explore the many options available to him. Never knew whom it could be? Colton realized sometime mid-season on The Bachelorette. When in doubt; kiss. It was easier than trying to think about what to say and much more fun. At the rose ceremony, Colton was given his officiated rose of going home from the show. When Colton handed Tia a rose on Guy's Night. He crossed the personal line Colton set for himself on Paradise. Colton could hear himself saying to himself NOT TO LIE! And what exactly was Colton doing? He felt like COMPLETE SHIT!
On the flight home, Colton purchased the in-flight Wi-Fi and texted Tia. She assured him she was okay. They were truly better off as friends, and they remained friends. To this day, Tia is still one of Colton's most trusted confidants. Back in Denver, Colton slept for 18 hrs straight and went to the gym. He had only been back a few weeks and his body suffered in reaction. Colton needed the long sleep and a nard workout to reset his life. He wanted to get back to "normalcy". It was HARD for his body to adjust to a life past football and all of that life threw his away since Colton just wanted to feel good and figure out WHAT-THE-FUCK was going on. Colton caught up on former Bachelor's talking. Colton also called his dad, Scott, and warmed him of his emotions flowing of the show. Warning him, Colton tried told his dad of his overall emotional state.
Over the years, Scott caught his son questioning his sexual identity; going public on reality TV as a 26-yr-old virgin. And now Colton was preparing him to see his son bawl his eyes out on TV with an emotional breakdown. Was Colton the All-American linebacker his dad expected? Colton was EVEN BETTER! Although, Scott might've spoken too soon.. . .
Colton needed a couple of weeks before he felt comfortable back in his own home. He had barely lived there since renting it days prior to departing for The Bachelorette. 4 months into getting home, it was like an adventure on discovering where his belongings were; like dishes, blankets, and old football jerseys. Colton had to make his house a home. Something that was HIS. He relied on the dozens of packs taken from hotels and snacks he saved from planes and photo shoots. This was NO WAY to live. . .and somehow Colton had this feeling of not being able to find his life. A life that was too far from where he knew. He was LOST! While watching season 14 of The Bachelorette set to premiere on May 28TH, 2018. He was counting the days. Colton remembers having the words of his future notoriety. Having growing up in the era of "Reality" TV, not to mention schooling himself, in dozens of seasons of both shows.
Colton was soon educating himself on what he knew v. what he didn't. He was excited and scared. On the show, Colton opened up about some personal issues in some ways he NEVER shared with his family or close friends, and it was all about to get served up on TV for and opened for discussion to even more people on social media. Colton prepped his parents before he began to trend online. Was he ready? Colton was nervous with anticipation. On the plus side, Colton figured time was on his side. Relieved, Colton planned a viewing party at his dad's house for the season premiere. Scott invited friends with a buffet. Donna brought her crew and arrived with more food. A party-theme filled the packed house. It was fun. . .until the show began to wrap. That was when the bomb was dropped. Chris Harrison introduced a super teaser of the rest of the season and suddenly everyone heard Colton's voice; being shaky and emotional. Colton's words were cut up into different fragments and was COMPLETELY FRUSTRATING!
There was no getting up and out of the room. This was a moment when Colton KNEW his life was going to change. Whether it's better or worse, Colton had NO IDEA! All he knew was that Colton would get through it. Colton had to take a momentary deep breath and power through. Was there anything else Colton wanted to tell them? Production stated they didn't need to know EVERYTHING! Colton knew in that moment, however uncomfortable it may be, was a necessary step in owning who he was and figuring out who he was going to be! Everyone has these moments. Sooner or later, we're all given a choice. . . .Not choosing is a choice. Self-truth and honesty began with him (Colton).
Everyone saw that Colton had done EXACTLY that. He took what had crushed him in high school and embarrassed him in college and put them out there for the world to see and discuss. In some weird cosmic way, it made Colton STRONGER for it - or so his way. For the next 24 hours, his media BLEW UP with contacts. ALL SHOWING SUPPORT! After the premiere, Colton watched subsequent episodes at home solo or at his dad's with whomever was there on Monday night. Colton was pleased with the way he came off in Las Vegas when he opened up to Becca about how his first relationship had ended. Colton was able to SEE the effect it had on her with his HONESTY! It was 2 weeks later when Colton's dinner date with Becca that finally aired that Colton understood his life was going to be different. With the span of a few hours, Colton was dubbed The World's Most Famous Virgin. (Therein for an undisclosed reason for the moment.) When the episode aired, Colton was in the Dominican Republic at Connor's wedding and was overly anxious. Colton had to steer clear of social media. Every news outlet had Colton's virginity in their headlines. The world in their messages that reached Colton were positive and supportive; although there were naysayers with pure negativity.
Colton wasn't telling people how to think. No amount of experience makes you more suitable for a relationship. Love is love. It's either there or not. The only thing you can do is recognize it and treat it like the most precious thing in your life. . . Colton seen the hometowns episode from the Children's Hospital. Sitting there in that situation, looking back . . .from where Colton was sitting. . .it put EVERYTHING in perspective.
With only 2 1/2 weeks until his first rose ceremony, Colton went to work in his new role as soon as he was back in Denver. When Colton woke up that first morning, there was a camera crew waiting. His introductory video package was an exercise in production. A Day In The Life. Shooting and bullshitting with his teammates on-camera. He was taking heat for being described in the media as a former N.F.L. star. This time was more intense. This time Colton was center stage instead of left of center. Colton genuinely couldn't help the language journalists/bloggers used when they wrote about him. He NEVER called himself a star or anything that wasn't true. Colton did not play on the practice field for 3 teams. But, that made him an N.F.L. player, an accomplishment Colton will FOREVER be proud of - and he has the scars on his shoulder to prove it. Colton made one final trip to Denver to say his goodbyes to his family and went to bed early.
Colton was supposed to get on a flight the next morning at 6:30A. His car service pickup was at 4:30A. In the thrill of the excitement, Colton apparently didn't set his alarm correctly and missed both the car service and the plane. His eyes didn't open until 6:30; therein which Colton HAULED-ASS to the airport, booked another flight while he was driving, parked his car, texted his dad to pick it up and finally texted his producer that he was going to be late. Colton wouldn't admit he missed his flight. - His first and early flight Colton ever missed. Could only get better from here. They did! The next day, Colton showed up for 3 straight 10 hour days of wardrobe fittings. As Colton's fittings aligned, his head was focused on the hear/now. Colton was appreciated for being nice and professional. The one who styled Colton had a vision for him that mixed seasonal, casual & sophisticated suits. Just the clothes alone, Colton thought he hit the good life.
When Colton thought there couldn't be more, he was asked to order more. Whatever he was going to need. Colton can't emphasize enough how indulgent it felt to be spoiled in this fashion. He brought his own clothes on The Bachelorette and Bachelor-In-Paradise. Now, he was given a wardrobe teaming with designers. It was quite a turnaround. But, wait there's more. Colton flashed a naughty smile and looked back. Two days later, as he walked through his hotel lobby after breakfast, Colton was intercepted by his producer. Then, it was time. Colton's phone was confiscated after he checked any last minute texts and looked over his social media one last time before relinquishing his phone for the next 3 months. He was OFFICIALLY cut off from the outside world. . .for the first time. Colton was now in NEW reality!
Like everyone, Colton has his issues. He can be anxious and controlling. Colton worries and stresses about what he was doing with his life or not doing with it, as happened while Colton waited to hear whether he was going to be The Bachelor. Colton was there to find his person. While driving through the Malibu Canyon Coast, Colton wanted to find someone to share a seat on the ride with; unaware of who it was going to be. Colton drove to the hotel that would be his new home. The hotel had taken over 2 other adjacent rooms. One was his; the other for production and interviews. Colton's was the largest of the 3. A treadmill had been placed in the living room, as he requested, to workout. As time passed waiting, Colton had a mental flood of questions. So many questions. When production came in the morning, Groggy-ass Colton warned them, he slept naked in the buff. Enter at your own risk.
Once dressed & prepped, Colton tackled his first responsibility officially as The Bachelor, an appearance on Ellen. Colton was excited to meet her. He watched her show in college when he couldn't fall asleep and became a major fan. Ironically, sitting across from her was a perfect way to begin a lifelong journey to himself.
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| Colton & Jimmy |
The first thing to happen was wisecrack commentary from the ladies regarding Colton's virginity. Various ladies gave introductory pick-up lines; sidelined with jokes and sexual innuendos everywhere. Colton expected the jokes about his virginity; but some became too many which were annoying close to crossing the line. Colton did NOT want the theme of the show about getting him laid. But, he also didn't want a bored audience. Colton wanted to keep the focus on his MENTAL mission of finding his TRUE self at hand. Another issue Colton had at hand that he kept to himself or tried until it became apparent later was that Colton couldn't remember everyone's name. In football, the players had their names stitched onto their uniform. You didn't have to think about it. Then, he met someone who had her own name-tag. Caelyn Miller-Keyes. Hannah B. (Hannah Brown) both had a sparkle and smile that made Colton eager for upcoming sit-downs. If things worked out, they were going to have some heated Saturdays.
Cassie Randolf handed Colton a box and said that she had butterflies; knowing she was nervous. Then she spilled a box of fake ones in front of him. Colton pocketed one. He couldn't help but stare at her shoes/high heels. Heels with a Velcro strap and red bottoms that seemed practical. She wasn't spending a month's salary on them. That is what Colton liked about her. Practicality. Colton received a second box from Hannah Godwin (Hannah G.) who explained the empty box in her hand contained his favorite underwear. A nod to him sleeping nude. She made a good impression. Multiple gimmicks flowed through the night. Colton was also spoken to be in various fluent languages. After 4 hours of introductions came in the mix and mingled at the mansion. Colton lost track with how many energy drinks he'd gulped down; but it was clearly enough to get the party started. Colton had 4 main objectives for his one-on-one time with the ladies; was this what he wanted, made eye contact, laughed when appropriate and TRY to remember everyone's names. Colton remembers previous ladies from previous seasons and their mistakes. Apparently, Colton was no better. Of all people, it was Cassie who busted Colton. They were walking past each other when Cassie stopped and asked if Colton TRULY remembered her name. It was a sly move; but typical Colton. Colton admittedly and embarrassingly didn't remember her name. Colton tried like hell to remember every lady's name; which he eventually did. Admitting his forgetfulness was rude. He admitted that. Hard to remember the names of 30 ladies you just met.
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| Colton & Cassie Randolph |
The morning sun was already up when the last roses were handed out. Colton's body was DONE and spent from this marathon. Everyone else was dragging ass. Colton tried not to overthink the decisions he didn't make or regret the ones he did. Take it from Colton, regret is a powerful sword you have to live with hurting himself in the process. As Colton poured sweetness in a cup of coffee, a producer asked how he was doing. Surprising it wasn't evident. Colton was worn, exhausted & the most tired he'd been in his life. . . Thus far. Colton still felt so lucky he could HONESTLY believe this was happening. . . To him.
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| Nick, Megan & Colton |
During the moment on the "date" with Hannah, outside of the deeply hidden, Colton wondered if this was similar to what he missed in high school by not being dateable? Not so much be OUT, but being dateable? On the date with Hannah, it was her birthday. Colton wanted her to have a good time. He tried to give a toast in the hot tub. Her eyes filled with fear. She froze and went blank. Colton felt bad for and tried to help. Advising her to just talk to him. Hannah feared how she came across on-camera. She paid attention to her surroundings rather than enjoying herself. Hannah was overwhelmed by all of it until she was paralyzed and had to take a moment. Hannah did ask about Colton's decision to remain a virgin and followed up by asking him of his relationship with Aly. Hannah had done her homework. There was NOTHING wrong with asking. But, with cameras and mic's., Colton felt put on. Colton explained that the producers and he had agreed to keep the mention of Hannah off-limits. Colton liked Hannah. But, in her I-T-M (In-The-Moment) interviews, Colton said that Hannah to be open to talk . .not amped by production. Colton didn't appreciate the coaching. In pageantry, you're coached. Colton wanted the ladies to be REAL!
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| Colton & Billy |
Colton was still paddling the waters and still in a confusing limbo. He was fine with kissing multiple ladies. He KNEW he was on The Bachelorette. Colton was nervous with riddled anxiety. He sat up questioning himself with the ladies. Would he be making decisions due to the pressure of being in a TV show and pleasing people? Was Colton GENUINE? He had a LOT to figure out for what he wanted. On His Own.
Midway through the 3RD week, competition between ladies became fierce. Caeylynn and Hannah went to Colton talking smack between the 2 of them. Colton HATED it. A tasteless joke related to one's family member that Colton wasn't repeating. The tension on the show together opened old wounds and cast a dark cloud over the week. Colton's team picked up on his disappointments and it didn't improve the week's events. When production wanted Colton to be more affectionate with P.D.A.; he resisted! This made Colton very uncomfortable. One being the cameras. Others to be explained in due time. But, Colton seeing Becca kiss other gents on the show; being in that position, Colton didn't want that feeling for the ladies since he'd been there. It's hard to show emotion when there wasn't any. At the time, Colton was impatient and frustrated by not getting time with his favorites; like Hannah G. At the time, Colton was ready to fall in love. He pressed his team for answers.
Colton couldn't wait or contain his excitement for the show traveling to Singapore; along with the accompaniment in tow. The best part, Colton didn't have to pack. The show would do it for him. A time of his life that was to get better. . . . RIGHT NOW!
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| Colton & Tayshia |
Although Colton expressed great enthusiasm in front of the cameras for bungee-jumping; he HATES heights. Colton gets queasy looking down from the second story of the shopping mall. Tayshia abhorred the sensation of falling. A perfect match for the moment. Colton didn't know about Tayshia. . .but he was guaranteed to freak out. The mission of the date and succession for the show was confronting your fears and going for it. Plenty of puns galore along the way. At dinner in a fancy restaurant atop a towering hotel where they had a windowing table with a heartbreaking view of the city. Colton asked and kept focus on her. But, Colton thought he was falling in love with Cassie. He sensed it during their group date with him and 13 remaining ladies. They engaged in local customs, like leech therapy in outdoor markets and sampled food. Colton KNEW this segment received criticism for promoting stereotypes. He respected the opinions and hoped the overall intentions came through. Hoping that it shined through.
Cassie & Colton visited a fortune teller who said they had been brother/sister in a previous life. Which speaks LOUD volumes. Colton quickly dismissed any mental languishes. Ending the evening as fairly GOOD!
Whenever Colton was around Cassie, he thought he wanted to try to get close to her and thought he liked her very much. Trying to keep things subtle. Colton did the same thing with Hannah G.; but wanted to send the same message to Cassie. Colton was a busy boy. Aside from harbored buried emotions. Colton knew their destination was Thailand and wanted to continue efforts to prepare for a one-on-one. They had an amazing time together. Alone and sipping white wine, Colton & Cassie laughed again about being brother/sister in a past life. He called it game over when Colton mentioned something about it. DAMN! That night, Colton had his first solid, uninterrupted sleep of the trip and felt fresh and "normal" when he woke up. All of the jet lag was finally behind him. He was READY for his 2ND one-on-one date of the trip; this time with Caelynn, one of Colton's favorites. Given what she'd statrted to tell him back in the States about having been sexually assaulted in college, Colton KNEW this was going to be an emotional date.
As Colton woke up the next morning in Thailand, drinking coffee and looking out at the water, he couldn't help but think about Cassie. He couldn't wait to see her. The one you never thought you wanted was all you ever wanted was all you ever needed. Colton liked visiting the other ladies, as per the job of The Bachelor, but it was becoming more than that. He did care about Cassie. He cared about Hannah G. from the beginning; but more doubts aligned that became challenging. Do you want someone who makes you feel at home or someone who challenges you? Colton HATED to be cynical, but he knew what was going to happen when he dug into the histories of what the ladies hometown families would say. Colton might've been the only one with doubts. Don't forget the other ladies had a hand in getting something out of this. A perfect set-up.
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| Dan & Shay |
Colton been asking the same question or a variant of it all his life. NEVER able to give an answer to it. The irony was that Colton couldn't tell Cassie that he knew. If he had; so many things that happened afterward might've been different. Now, with the perspective of time, Colton can see the consequences of abandoning the one tool he had for dealing with people that Colton knew was foolproof: HONESTY. Colton wasn't dishonest with Cassie. He just didn't come out with honesty. He wanted to be honest; but at the time, Colton couldn't. They had 6 weeks to go. He couldn't blow off the rest of his obligations. The thing was that Cassie wasn't asking out of curiosity. Cassie had her reasons. For her own piece of mind, she needed to know. She was an observer. She thought things through before stepping out or putting herself in an uncomfortable position. She didn't want to be any more vulnerable than what she already was. To be fair, Colton had not yet had his one-on-one with Hannah B. He did technically have an out. Colton was grateful Cassie didn't press for an answer. With light rain falling, they pulled the tarp over themselves, scrolled through songs, and talked about their favorites. They discovered that simple things like family, board games, and pets made them the happiest. The good times were to continue. Back at the resort, Colton received word that Cassie wasn't feeling well. He had felt disappointment at the time. Cassie had felt a stomach bug come upon her and began throwing up.
Colton thought FUCK IT! And kissed her anyway. He was sorry that she was sick, but he was still trying for the kiss. A short time later, Colton heard Cassie and her producer arrive at his door. Even though Colton KNEW of Cassie's oral hygiene, he gave her a BIG kiss. Cassie tried like HELL to not throw up during dinner/discussion that she couldn't keep a straight thought. She ran out of the room several times mid-sentence and threw up. Yummy! After her mad dash, Cassie came back and tried again. She wiped tears from her eyes. Cassie held in and tried to continue the evening. After taking a break, Cassie managed to finish the evening. Colton wanted to crack a joke, trying to soften the blow of his virginity. But, he KNEW it wasn't the time or a place for jokes. He also understood her position and where she was coming from. Cassie had gotten sick a couple of times before the evening finished. At the end of the evening, Colton assured Cassie's illness that her illness was in NO WAY her fault. Keeping everything the same, Cassie got a rose.
At dinner that night, Colton & Hannah G. bonded over their shared experiences of children of divorce. They definitely got along and had a great time. After getting back to the villa, Colton realized they didn't discuss any aspect of any future. That which goes unsaid is spoken very loudly. Cassie felt close to Colton, but not exactly I love you. She also felt the time running out. She counted the number of ladies left. She knew hometowns were around the corner. That scared her. When would she know? Colton felt EXTREME COMPASSION & SYMPATHY for EVERYTHING he put his producers through. Colton was done being surprised. With everything he learned of these ladies in this short time; it was all REAL HEAVY!
When it came time to home visits, Colton flew to Denver independently of the ladies and checked into a downtown hotel. They stayed at a nearby AirBnB. Being back in Denver surroundings had a re-energizing effect on him. SEEING the familiar fueled his soul. After the calm before the storm that was the high energetic parental meetings. From there was a tour of Colton's trip back home. Finishing with a fancy dinner. By this time, Colton had 2 roses and lost patience. It broke Colton's heart to walk Hannah outside and see Cassie left wondering if she was left behind going home. Colton gave the last hometown rose to Cassie. Going off-script, Colton told her he thought he was falling in love with her. He TRULY thought he was in love with Cassie. Cassie expressed her craze for him. It wasn't what Colton expected to hear. Cassie KNEW that by the look on Colton's face. In recognition of the hard week they endured, production offered Colton a little more time with Cassie. Colton took her to the top of Union Station; where ALOT of ice was broken: Breaking the unavoidable tension.
Cassie didn't want to leave, but at 4:00A, Colton escorted her down to the lobby. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Colton couldn't wait to meet her family when they returned to L.A. Colton tried to picture life within the hometowns. He thought that the ladies had to know something wasn't right without fingering it.
It was midway through the hometowns, and Colton & Tayshia were standing in the back of a plane, looking down at the world through the open door from 13,000 feet. Colton thought he was going to die. But, what the hell, right? Colton thought if he died, it would be one helluva ride. Let's Do It! It was the perfect metaphor for the entire week of hometowns in which Colton survived! For the sake of being respectful for the families and the premise of the show, Colton agreed to ask each of the ladies' fathers for permission to get engaged to their daughters; beginning with Caelynn's stepfather. Colton lied when her father asked if he saw a future with his daughter. A lie bigger than one he had in mind. Caelynn's mom seemed like something wasn't on the up/up. How Did Colton NOT know? She seemed like they weren't ready to go down the road they thought.
Colton did initially ask for permission to marry Caelynn from her stepdad. Was Colton ready. . .is a message/question any father would ask. But, Colton wasn't ready for a future he wasn't sure of. Not only was Colton NOT ready; Caelynn's family KNEW she wasn't. Colton couldn't wait to get the hell out of there! Next, Colton was off to Birmingham, AL.
As a warm-up, they took an etiquette class that served as a warning that courtships differed in the South then what TV projected. Hannah's parents were down-to-earth GOOD people, pure people. Colton could FEEL and just TELL he didn't FIT in, which would've disappointed his parents. Colton still felt the respect to ask for permission as he had with other ladies' fathers. Either way, Colton was reading between the lines of what each father's intentional words meant to make him and the cameras go away. When Colton returned to the lobby of the hotel, Hannah B. was waiting in the lobby. She wanted more clairty from from Colton . In reality, Hannah waited to vent out her frustrations. Colton gave her the free reign to lash out and vent. Once she raged, Colton didn't know how to stop her. He was done, spent & out of energy. He did NOT have the energy to argue with Hannah.
Colton met w/ Tayshia's family at their home in Santa Ana, CA. As soon as he met them, Colton mentally hesitated reminding him of hometowns. That was a whole nother game involving people who haven't signed up for this Bachelor craziness. Colton even seen the reservations with his own family. The Underwood family wanted to do a good job for Colton, but would have passed off the decision had been solely up to them. They were worried Colton was a guy who rushed relationships. Colton, himself, was worried as well even if he asked permission. They worried Colton would lay it on thick with the fact they just met. You can't microwave a relationship.
Colton met Cassie and her family at their home in Huntington Beach, CA. This was a house where Colton wanted to fit in before he arrived. They had met up at a beach for a surfing lesson, her way of showing up her hometowns. After introductions, Colton seen the challenges ahead of him - NOT JUST THE ONES HE EXPECTED! Their dinnertime reminded Colton of his family. Down To A T of family flow. In the meantime, production began pulling people in combinations for interviews. Colton thought the night was going well until he got with Cassie's dad. They went outside and sat in 2 chairs next to their fire pit. The usual protective father of his daughter with Colton being a problem before he arrived.
That didn't stop Colton from praising Cassie and her importance to him. While Colton was giving praise, Cassie's parents were skeptical of his Bachelor relationships with other ladies. They were RIGHT to be skeptical. . . outside of what they know of the show. Colton argued with Cassie's differences. He gave Colton the clear sign that he did NOT want Cassie to be engaged at the end of the show. Like any father wanted. .. his daughter's happiness.
The thing about it was, Colton agreed 1,000% with Cassie's father on every point. Yes, there were other ladies' involved. Colton would've been the same way being in their father's position. Their values and beliefs were in sync with one another. What hurt the most was they saw Colton as just, another typical guy. Not seeing/realizing whom Colton would ULTIMATELY become. Like a flower that hasn't bloomed. Colton had spent his ENTIRE life working to be outstanding in every way he knew how. He just didn't know yet how outstanding Colton would become. Hoping another suitor could see it too. Looking back, Colton thought he was really pissed and frustrated at Cassie's father's response. It wasn't him Colton thought to have been pissed about, it was the situation at hand. Colton did wish Cassie well. He liked her family. Looking back, he knew he was being stupid. When the 4 hometowns were over/done, getting into the production van, trying to explain his reaction. Too much shit had gone down and Colton was fucking over it.
At the time, Colton truly thought he was in love with Cassie and wanted to figure out what to do. He was also considerate of her feelings REAL & CLEAR! Cassie was the Queen Of I Don't Know; and Colton didn't know what to do. There were moments when she would go blank. She was everywhere and confused. Colton remembers flying to Portugal and thinking about Cassie and her family throughout the 13TH hour flight. He didn't need airplane amenities when he was corroded in his thoughts. All Colton wanted at the time was sit and talk with Cassie without cameras. Alone. Whatever happened with Cassie & Colton, he was appreciative of the way the show was broadening his life's experiences. The travel in itself - First Asia and then Europe - the travel was mind-blowing. So, the challenge was ahead of him among others.
Back in L.A., at the rose ceremony that followed hometowns, Colton sent Caeylnn home. The overnights with these ladies were scheduled to start the next day. Colton differed from other guys in more ways than one. He wasn't typical. On Colton's way to dinner that night, he seen several producers in the hotel dining room. He NEEDED to talk to them for his OWN mental health. Colton sat down and let the producers know he had thought about Cassie. They knew Colton and listened to him vent until he was spent/done; going back to his room to SHUT THE FUCK DOWN!
The next morning, Tayshia & Colton got together on a helicopter tour and picnicked along the water. Colton had a tough time with all of the little things that made the date feel authentic. He didn't want to be there and was mentally checked out with his mind on Cassie. Tayshia had NO IDEA. She was opening up about her own history in relationships. Then, they went to the fantasy suite which viewers seen paralyzed. By 2-3A., Tayshia realized that nothing was going to happen. She could tell the evident differentiated vibe with Colton as he was with Cassie & Hannah G. Tayshia fell asleep on half the bed,and Colton eventually laid next to her in his sweatpants and long-sleeved shirt. For someone who sleeps NUDE; Colton was uncomfortable. He didn't sleep all night The next day, Colton cancelled production and interviews. He wanted to catch up on his sleep before his day with Cassie. Colton could tell it was to be the calm before the storm in the air.
A full day of rest did NOTHING to quench Colton's paranoia that Cassie was breaking up with him. Colton's pre-interview with producers supported it. After a while, Colton could see what was coming. Cassie was happy and eager to see what was happening that morning. It was as if nothing was wrong. Blowing off the past week. They drove to Tavira, a romantic town on the coast. Taking in their surroundings. Cassie still had alot to figure out. She made it clear that her father's opinion was extremely important to her. Colton wanted her to understand that he wasn't happening anytime soon. They didn't resolve anything before producers pulled them for their mid-date interviews. Which was frustrating. Colton thought he wanted to be with Cassie period. Before the interview ended, Colton flat-out thought he loved her. As he walked to his car, Colton glimpsed Cassie still doing her interviews, a crying mess. Colton KNEW her crying was NOT a good sign.
As Colton prepared for dinner, he was nervous, excited and extremely anxious. The only thing on his mind at the time in the moment: getting on the same page as Cassie. When Cassie arrived for dinner and Colton's heart dropped, he KNEW something was off. It was in her eyes and it scared him. They sat uneasily next to one another on a sofa while cameras adjusted around them. Considering the situation at hand, Colton seen that small talk was out and they needed to address their issues with where this relationship was headed. Colton had heard of Cassie's dad, Matt, showing up at the hotel from him; awaiting Colton's reaction. Matt didn't want Cassie to cave to the pressure and stated she KNEW when she fell in love; without a doubt. It was all clear & perfect. Everything a parent should do. Matt had dropped everything and flown halfway around the world to support his daughter. Colton wasn't surprised. Matt was an overprotective father. The kind Colton hoped to be someday. Present for his children. Family first.
But, there soon became a moment when Colton felt like production was working against him in his relationship with Cassie while fighting his inner demons and within himself as well. Was Colton doomed to have a broken heart or was it supposed to end happily ever after? Little did Colton know/come to realize it Colton's fault. No! Leading people/everyone on to believe that Hannah G. was the one who "wanted". But, in Thailand, Colton made it clear he thought with Cassie. Colton wasn't clear. The second Cassie said her dad traveled for her, he knew he lost her. Their ENTIRE conversation was RAW! Colton thought he did his best to explain what was feeling and addressed her doubts; as if his words would convince her differently. Colton fervently apologized for what she went through in Denver and stated they needed more time together. If he could've, Colton would've spent the whole time with her.
Suddenly, in an out-of-nowhere hidden fit punishable upon himself, Colton could NO LONGER control himself. Words fueled and his emotions were EVERYWHERE! Colton then threw the cheeseboard in front of him and blatantly threw it across the floor. Colton's voice fueled with emotion as his inner rages were coming to the surface. He was only himself with Cassie at that time. At that moment, the only thing that mattered at the time, was his hiding of the truth with Cassie. Whatever it took to hold on and repress. If Cassie left, Colton was done and there was no point in being The Bachelor.
It got to a point where it was too much for Cassie. She called a time-out, got up and took a brief stroll to gather her thoughts. Ultimately, the decision was hers, becoming too much for her. She was overwhelmed, overcome and on overload to the point where the easiest thing for her to do was also the hardest. . .Walk Away. After they sat down and resumed her conversation, she realized she loved Colton but wasn't in love with him. Colton, at the time, wondered if their cross positions were being played the entire time. Cassie had spoken with her father previously on her departure later that evening. When she left, Colton was left in shock. His head was mind-boggling through a dark sky. Cassie wasn't ready for Colton to stop with her; nor was she ready to quit herself. She was DONE! in ALL ways. DONE! with EVERYTHING! She was burned out and unsure of who to trust other than her dust. She left and ran before she felt suffocated. Only many months and years later did Colton FINALLY UNDERSTAND & GRASP Cassie's position with his own self-being.
As Cassie said, Colton knew the deal in which he got himself in what went on behind-the-scenes. Cassie was completely in the dark. She didn't know whom to trust, including Colton. Other than the hidden underneath, How could Colton be trustworthy and of principle in this position; not just what he showed on-screen being The Bachelor. She was right not to trust Colton. She was at a point where she didn't even trust herself. . .Therefore, the importance of having her dad by her side. All Cassie knew was that she wasn't ready for marriage. Not to Colton. Not to anybody. And Matt gave her the where-with-all to stand-up and do what was best for her - and that was to go home. Colton walked Cassie out to the van and said goodbye; their last words being that they loved each other. Then he walked back to his cabin, By the time Colton returned, he KNEW he had done the same with Cassie and get the hell out of there.
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| Colton fence jumping |
Colton felt safer in the middle of the road. Fairly soon after he quit hiding, an SUV caught up with him. Colton heard Chris call his name. He ignored and kept walking. This went on for a bit. He KNEW he was being videotaped. Colton assured the camera guy that he'll have to have a few extra battery packs due to a long walk ahead of him/them. Next thing you know, Colton was fucking fed up, done & over it. He needed a graceful way out of this situation. He was too tired to keep walking down a dark road. It was 2:30A, and Colton had been out for an hour when the show's top producers and Colton huddled and had the most impromptu production meeting in the show's history. Fucking jumping the fence. Hearing phones buzzing with text messages; the sound of outdoors in the night. Colton didn't know whether to laugh, scream, cry, put his hands up in surrender. Everyone in the network KNEW Colton had gone AWOL! Imagine the messages galore. In the real reality; Colton was not only running from the show. . He was running from himself. . .Little did he himself know. Breaking it down, Colton wanted to break up with the other ladies. He wasn't into it and wanted to sit through it. Knowing, he wanted to talk to Cassie. Thinking she was at the time THE ONE! The only one. Meanwhile, the text chains went abound with production.
It was 3:30A, when Colton returned to the hotel and continued talking with producers about what to do next. Several high ranking producers who hadn't been outside joined them. For their benefit, Colton repeated his plan to break up with Tayshia and Hannah and then sit down with Cassie if she was up to it. Colton's goal at the time was to let Cassie know that she was The ONE & ONLY; hopefully to get the 2 of them moving forward from where they were. Taking baby steps that Colton had no problem with if production wanted to use it. Whatever production wanted, Colton would chance it. That entire day was a blur. Colton was taken aback and shown differently than production stated. Then came a sit-down with Chris Harrison, which was essential. Viewers needed to know what happened. Colton had sprinted down a road at 2:00A the last time he seen Chris. After resting, Chris wondered of Colton's whereabouts. Chris was concerned. He was also letting Colton be aware of his behavior the previous night being pretty weird.
Once the cameras were LIVE!, Colton told as much of the TRUTH as he was comfortable to Chris. Colton described the point he reached the night prior, explaining why he hadn't ended up with Hannah G., as everyone thought. Colton couldn't stop thinking about Cassie. He thought he wanted to start over with her in Huntington Beach. Colton truly thought he loved her. He felt like something was off with her. Something was holding her back. Talk about deflection, right. What was Colton going to do? Break up with Tayshia and Hannah. And that's what happened.Once they were face-to-face, Colton couldn't pit it off and did what he had to do. In a mature and respectful manner, then talk, it was confirmed what was obvious; except for one very important thing. Colton's conversation with Hannah was harder. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, or hurt other people in the process.; which wasn't Colton's intention. . .especially when emotions/hearts are on the line. It was all too confusing, on the very edge of being too much to handle/figure out, with all of Colton's eggs in one basket not to mention a few Robin's ones.
Colton had his own BREAKDOWN when he left Hannah's room. Ironically, the walk became very therapeutic for Cassie. Confused. Struggling, overwhelmed, she was able to vent and try to figure things out. Only she could determine how she felt. She still didn't know that Colton had jumped the wall and everything in-between.
Colton was still sorting through his thoughts. His favorite producer with a camera operator and a sound man. They spoke for 2 hours. They covered EVERYTHING from jumping the fence to his feelings to his thoughts on family and the desire to make a life what Colton SEEN as meaningful and filled with love. After HEARING Colton, his producer was in tears as Colton finished. He put his camera down and gave Colton a hug. With Colton doing what he had to at the time, in his 20s. A time to take risks and make mistakes. Take Chances. Lead with his heart. His night was restless. He didn't know what was going to happen with Cassie. All he knew was that he had to risk one emotion and what he thought was right. For an end-all-be-all. The next morning, Colton was driven to Cassie's hotel. They spoke of whether there would be a show without an ending. Then came a moment when all would be decided.
Colton and the crew got out of the car. They started off great. Once they got to a quiet spot that had been prepped, Colton explained that he had broken up w/ Cassie at the time, Colton went to make sure Cassie understood that moving forward with her in a relationship was more important than getting engaged for the sake of the show. No talk for anything else than that. Colton knew the premise of the show and it didn't matter anymore. Getting to know each other was way past. They would figure out the rest. Day-by-day. The only thing Colton had to hold on to aside from buried truth that he failed to acknowledge. As far as Colton, his only goal at the time was to get to know one another with a 2ND chance. Colton saw a relief in her eyes. There wasn't anymore talk of forever. Maybe today. Hopefully tomorrow. . . .On a trip to Spain with Colton's family. Everyone was happy. Next, Colton had to speak with Cassie's dad. The job of getting Cassie's dad up to speed therein up to this point fell on Colton's shoulders. As honest as Colton could be on the surface, Colton told him everything. and his reaction to what Colton said was more positive. Knowing where everyone stood, they were all good - For Now!
In Mallorca, Spain, Colton was met up with his family; giving them warmth and emotion from missing them, being very emotional the following days. Colton filled them in, unsure of their reaction, but assured they'd be relieved from what the show would air. Scott said it was the best thing for their family. . . while everyone wasn't aware of what's to foresee to come . . .especially Colton, himself. After Colton prepped them, they had concerns about meeting someone who had already broken up with him. But, they were ready to help figure out where Cassie's head was at and provide any insights they gleamed from talking to her. Colton tried to figure out how and why something was off with Cassie. He just couldn't put his finger on it. Colton could tell that Cassie had been crying. Her eyes met his and they were filled with fear. Colton could just see the breakup coming ahead. Cassie had had a panic attack inside the way freaking herself out.
For whatever reason, Cassie chose in that moment to open up about her ex and how hard that relationship had made her feel controlled/manipulated. She KNEW Colton was NO WAY like that. She suffered from PTSD. So many revelations that said ALOT about Cassie right then then the entire time together advised her to breathe. There was NO pressure. All she had to do was be herself. Something Colton FREIGHTFULLY FEARED. Everyone in the Underwood family played their roles, and Cassie felt much better by the end. Then producers took themselves to their separate hotel to rest and regroup. The next day, Colton and Cassie met up again for an outdoor adventure. Afterward, they went back to their prospective hotels, until later that night, when they met up again for a romantic dinner. This was the BIG dinner prior to the fantasy suite suited for the show, if she accepted. This was to be a redo - a date they never got in Portugal. Colton couldn't have been any more happier when he seen Cassie again. . .aside from when seeing and coming to TRUE realizational terms of himself.
Conversation at dinner was light and breezy; which was given considering the density of situations at hand the last few days. One topic, outside of the deeply rooted, which was why Colton hadn't told anyone other than Caeylnn about his previous relationship. Given what was ahead of them, and Colton to top off mentally struggling within himself already. Colton opened up about sensing the TRUE beginning of what he hoped would be a lifelong quest of discovering her as a friend. . .which spoke volumes looking back at her as a human being. Colton hoped and prayed the feelings were mutual. Next, came an invitation from ABC to the fantasy suite. Before Colton said anything, Cassie had the key in hand. When they were left to their own vices after instruction from production . . That was no one's business. . . which was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and COMPLETELY INNOCENT which will soon be realized. After looking for electronic bugs from production.
Cassie was more in her head than Colton was about things a thoughtful person might and probably should consider before their first sleepover with someone. Then came what others didn't think of . . comfortably on the side of the bed. Were pajamas necessary? Considering how Colton personally prefers. Water running at various times. . .etc. The bed was right next to the shower in the fantasy suite. . .so, talk about no surprises. Colton saw Cassie in her most natural state, as an amazingly wonderful human being. The next morning, producers knocked on their door at 9:00A. to shoot their last I.T.M. jointly. Colton & Cassie weren't ready for 9:00A. in the MORNING. After letting them in, came questions from production. Hinting at what wasn't there! Trust Colton; no one talks about sex like they don't have. Especially in his current shoes.
They didn't search long before Colton found the breaker box and reset the power. Problem solved. But, then another one arose. No communication from/to the outside world. It wasn't safe to be out in the countryside without means of communication. What if there was a TRUE emergency? Questioning the what-if's, and ended up wanting their cellphones. They were packed away in their producers rooms. They went upstairs, rifled through their luggage, and reclaimed their property. Within minutes, they were both downstairs, connected to the Wi-Fi and Face-Timing their parents. Enjoying wonderful catch-ups.
They were in the process of returning their phones to their hiding places when Colton & Cassie were BUSTED! He sprinted his ass downstairs to greet them; but Colton's face was a DEAD giveaway. Colton tried like hell to bullshit and sweet-talk his way through it; but was blown off to where Cassie was. Her confession was immediate and met with an amused chuckle. It wasn't even a big deal. They could've had their phones. Talk about juvenile. They had 2 months for re-acclimation of life back home. Colton spent Thanksgiving with them. He then visited Cassie and her family in Huntington Beach. She picked him up incognito from the cameras. Her family kept discretion for privacy. Forging a "normal" sense of coupledom was a challenge; especially for Colton. After Christmas, almost all of Colton's time was taken with promotion and publicity for the show; The Bachelor. From then on, Colton traveled several times a week and stayed in touch with Cassie by morning and late night phone calls, text messages throughout the day.
The game wasn't even close to being over. It was fun; but there came a price. They felt like prisoners in these places. They couldn't go outside; nor could they have anyone inside. They were both antsy, active people, so it was hard. Colton got the natural, unadorned version with bad breath in the morning. But, at the time, Colton was ecstatic with any version of Cassie.
As much as Colton wanted a "normal" life, with what he was battling internally, he deemed it impossible while the show was in season. The 4TH episode - Colton's date with Caelynn in Singapore - was particularly hard on Cassie. Seeing him "connect" with other ladies upset her. The first kiss never aired. But, it did get better as the show progressed; but Cassie had it much worse than Colton. . .for the moment. People recognized her and commented. They didn't know Colton & Cassie were together. He reached out to Becca and asked her to speak with Cassie. The 4 of them got together and hashed it all out. Her advice genuinely helps this situation. They watched the Thailand episode with Cassie's family in Huntington Beach. It wasn't too uncomfortable. But, Colton swore he saw Cassie's dad playing with a pocket knife through much of the episode They assumed Cassie's family of good behavior. They were good sports without taking things too seriously.
Cassie watched hometowns at a restaurant with her family. Colton joined them the next week for their breakup. Colton couldn't have picked a tougher episode. The fence jumping was overly promoted. It was ALL OVER the media promotions. Cassie's family had a full house while Colton cringed. It was so raw and agonizing and hard to relive. But, no one seemed to have a problem, especially Cassie's dad. Did Colton truly think he was going to have her father's blessing after 6 weeks? Looking at it to find it funny. At least Colton had the benefit of knowing that Cassie was sitting next to him and holding his hand. Cassie was much better at paying attention to what really mattered. Colton was GRATEFUL after the episode was over. His phone and social media exploded with support for him and Cassie. They also quiered about why Colton would be with someone whom didn't want him. Colton also heard from a slew of football players from across the league.
Colton discovered how special taking it slow can be at the time. Put friendship first and begin to build a relationship. . .not for TV. The relationship therein was a GOOD, PURE LEARNING experience. In August, Colton & Cassie broke up. He wanted more. She wanted to relax. Colton wanting more was more of a delve into hiding/running. It's the little things that mean a lot. Navigating a relationship in public is a unique experience. It was a fantasy when Colton vowed to become The Bachelor. Who does that? Colton Scott Underwood did; regretably. He opened his life to TV.
Life is a crazy, unpredictable joy-filled miracle. It's meant to be experienced in the moment, without making sense later, Colton walked with gratitiude and anger, heartache and hope, trusting that Higher Powers That Be will direct him to his direction. ALOT of prayer and consciousness come into play for Colton's next life. Colton & Cassie broke up FOR GOOD. Each relationship has a learning lesson for the next. It just wasn't the storybook ending people imagined when their season ended. They had their issues like any other couple. . . .not just Colton's inner fighting. Cassie felt there was pressure on her to commit one way or the other due to the way their relationship unfolded so publicly on television. There's a period that all of us go through where we look inside ourselves and ask questions that no one will ever be able to answer.
Cassie was 100% there when Colton was diagnosed with Covid-19; as well as her entire family. The situation was unfortunate, impossible to predict, incredibly trying and surreal. It MADE Colton DIG DEEP to LOOK AT HIMSELF IN/OUT! And WONDER? Psychologically frightening Colton. Making him feel uncertain, terrified and incredibly alone.
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| Boarding |
Unsure of what to do, Colton turned to Cassie's mom, who arranged for them to get tested. Sure enough, it came back POSITIVE! It threw everyone into a state of concern and panic. The COVID numbers were EXTREMELY LOW at the time. KNOWING his family was in Colorado and fearful of how Colton would fare on his own if he returned to his apartment, Cass' family put him in the 3RD floor bedroom of their beachfront home and banded together to care for him. Colton debated internally about what to do; whether he should stay or go - Colton was - and will forever be grateful to Cassie's parents/family keeping Colton's ass placed. For much of the next week, Colton's temperature was 102 or slightly higher, and he felt terrible. Colton struggled to breathe. They worked at about 20% capacity level. Every ounce of Colton's body hurt. His ENTIRETY of being SHUT DOWN! He slept for 15-16 hours/day. One night, Cassie's mom snuck into Colton's room and tested his blood with a finger tip monitor. Several times it didn't work. They thought Colton was dead. He assured them he wasn't. He was still alive. After about a week, Colton began to emerge from the depths of COVID. He sensed a light at the end of the tunnel.
As Colton continued to recuperate, he would make his way up and down the stairs of the Randolph's home. Getting something to eat, drop in and play board games, look for conversation/company and a connection to "normalcy". Colton ADMITS his fault and stupidity and not masking up with Cassie's family or keeping separate quarters after infection. ANXIETY in the house was at an ALL-TIME HIGH! Some people in the neighborhood sneered at Colton running in the neighborhood with a mask and COVID. This was before various varieties were available. Meanwhile, Cassie and her family remained Covid-Free. Colton apologized profusely to them for his lapses and and continues to live in regret every time he thinks of the situation he put them in. In being there for him, they provided Colton with the importance of opening your hearts and doors to one another. Then came another unexpected twist. Once Colton felt strong enough to return to his place in L.A., he couldn't leave. They were all under stay-at-home orders. Colton ate the Randolf's out of the pantry and cabinet. They had a mini-intervention to tell him that he/Colton was eating too much peanut butter. (Which Colton truly was.)
It was starting to become a point for Colton . . .whom was suffering internally as well as physically; it was better to have Cassie's family that have NOBODY! People dying by the thousands daily during this time of the pandemic. As scary as the loneliness was, Colton didn't want to sever a relationship that was dying. He would rather cut the cord. If it was over, it was OVER! But, no one would say it. When he got to her family's home, Colton gathered stuff of his that he left strewn about and took an UBER to return to L.A.
Cassie's birthday was a few days later. Colton felt sad for the position he had put her in, and later then drove down to her at the last minute, had dinner, celebrated with her family and friends, and then returned to L.A. 2 Days Later, Colton drove to Colorado. He wanted to be with family and put some distance between him and Cassie. She needed the space as well. During the month 1/2 Colton was gone, he and Cassie stayed in touch off/on. Just checkin' in. They were friendly, but REAL. Therein, Cassie stated she wanted both of them to make a public statement about the breakup. Rumors throw a cause for speculation, and Cassie wanted to put the rumors to rest. Colton loves and appreciates those who love him, but he doesn't feel beholden to anyone but himself. He wasn't going to let public opinion dictate his decisions. It's hard enough to live his life in the spotlight. Cassie wanted to be more public; but Colton didn't or see a reason to . Period. No need to be ostentatious when you can ride out in the quiet.
Then one day, Cassie asked about when Colton was going to put out a statement. What was her deal? If that was the case, then Cassie was going to make one on her own. Colton, still battling with himself, felt like the kid on the high dive who needed a push. Otherwise, they'd never jump. You don't need a therapist to understand why Colton was so resistant. Let alone understand why Colton was distancing himself away. He just wasn't ready to face it. Colton didn't want to accept that Cassie wanted to break up with him. If Colton had Cassie, he wouldn't have to FACE himself. Sadly, it was REAL!
They posted their statements together while FaceTiming with each other. They both cried. Colton understood where Cassie was coming from, but he wasn't one who hung a relationship on the public clothesline for all to comment on. Colton let time pass and when he got back to L.A., he called Cassie and asked her out for dinner. Afterward, she went back over to Colton's place and had a few drinks, hung out and went to Colton/Cassie again for the rest of the night. After they woke up in the morning, Colton could tell things were different. Outside of what Colton stated previously. He had the urge to say he loved her before she walked out the door; he sensed she did too. Colton's heart was BROKEN! Cassie stated that she loved Colton . . . but she wasn't in love with love. She followed her heart. . . .As did Colton. . . They truly loved each other just not that way. What they did find was sweet, tender, beautiful, heartbreaking & REALLY EYE-OPENING!
We all have pre-existing scars. Colton spent 2 years on TV. Lying at times. Ashamed and hiding. But, what he found , what America got to see was that Colton couldn't go another day to let people KNOW who he was. To hear more, and the FULL story from Colton's mouth himself. . . . he speaks his HEART-WRENCHING TRUTH in the Netflix series, Coming Out Colton.
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| Colton & Jordan Brown |
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