Start Of 2015/The Fault In Our Stars

This first book of the new 2015 year is one that is a true rarity. When you're young and sick, you see more than most would. It's only on a rare occaision that you find that bond, let alone a relationship, w/ someone who UNDERSTANDS what you're going through - especially at a young age.This first book says EXACTLY that. It tells the story of fate arising when you least expect it. When 2 sick kids meet under the unlikiest of circumstances, their worlds forever change. Fate aligns within The Fault In Our Stars.

Beginning w/ 17-yr-old Hazel, who has been diagnosed w/ lung cancer. Due to the diagnosis, Hazel has been in a depression. Her mother figures it best if her daughter join a support group. Her mom wants her to go lift her spirits, but Hazel does NOT want to go. She goes to make her parents happy. Due to the incapacity of her lungs, Hazel has had to be on oxygen w/ a semi-portable tank. After she got there and some refreshments, Hazel noticed a boy in group looking at her. He was her age, maybe a bit older. Aside from her attire, Hazel still had showing signs of side effects on account of medication.

Hazel cut a glance of this boy looking in her direction, occurring to why they call it eye contact. After taking her seat, Hazel noticed he was still looking at her. She noticed he was semi-attractive. After group introductions, the boy was Augustus Waters, who was in remission for a year & 1/2. He was there at a friend's request. It was the same speeches throughout the meeting. Augustus admitted his own fears: blindness. Blindness to other people's feelings. Hazel was more of a quiet, non-hand raising type. But she did raise her hand deciding to speak. It was during her talk that Augustus seen more than a sick patient. She was MORE!

After the meeting finished Augustus went right over to Hazel. There stood an introduction to them both. Hazel noticed Augustus staring at her. Naturally, she wondered why? Reason - her beauty. Augustus promised never to deny the beauty of existence. There was the obvious denial and reassurance. A flirtation that Hazel liked. They go to Augustus' house to watch a film they discussed. His walk was a sign of a prosthetic leg from Osteosarcoma. After they were outside, Augustus & Hazel seen a couple HEAVILY making out. He then proceeds to pull out of ALL things, a cigarette. Practically ruining a moment that would've been. Here she is unable to breathe on her own and here is a kid NOT THINKING and lighting a cigarette. A flaw that disturbs her. As she was leaving, Hazel felt a weird mix of anger and disappointment welling up inside her. She wanted to smack Augustus. Informing her that cigarettes don't kill you if you don't light them. Using the cigarette as a tool for a metaphor. Something he truly believes in: Metaphors. Hazel's night was planned for a movie w/ Augustus Waters.

PICC line

Augustus' driving is HORRIBLE. Failed his driver's test 3 times, going in for a 4TH. He is trying to be gentile. Trying to keep w/ conversation in the midst of high-paced speed driving. Hazel told the truth of her diagnosis past & present; The broad outline. A lot of meds flowed through a PICC line. One medicine flowed continually while the other ran piggybacking the main set; creating a duo. Hazel ended up being admitted (in the hospital) for pneumonia. Hazel's mom and family thought this was an END. The doctor KNEW better. After getting some fluid out, the antibiotics began to work. Hazel was put in an experimental drug test w/ 70% success. Hazel added to that success. The tumors shrank! Staying that way. Only to find out it was bought w/ purchased time. When telling Augustus, Hazel painted the prettiest picture instead of gritty truth. When it came to school, Hazel got her GED and is enrolled at the local community college. Augustus seen a college girl w/ sophistication. Next was a screeching turn into a 2-story colonial. He had ALOT of encouragement banners everywhere. His parents were the kitchen cooking. Next came introductions. Including Hazel into any conversation(s). Trying to calibrate if her answers should be to be please Augustus or his parents. Chit-chat became a dinner invite. That night's dinner was a Waters' family dish. They utilized some of the dinner to fit Hazel's vegetarian needs. Both Hazel & Augustus had the same home curfew:10pm.

Augustus interjected to his parents that Hazel had the same curfew due to school. NO ONE once asked Hazel of the aforementioned oxygen. It did make her feel better. Augustus then escorted Hazel to the showing of the film: V For Vendetta. He showed Hazel the basement beforehand. The basement was FILLED w/ Augustus' sports memorabilia: Trophies and more. He was really good in basketball and certain deserving "perks". After sinking into his basketball past, he noticed that Hazel had to sit on his unmade bed. She had to sit after standing for so long. After realizing what was and what is, Hazel really liked Augustus. He had 2 older half-sisters that gave him nephews. Augustus then changed the subject. He wanted to know Hazel's story. NOT her cancer story, but HER story.

Unknowingly, Augustus taught Hazel a lesson: Don't let your disease become your story. You are more than your disease. He gave her an angle to focus on: her favorites. Hazel's favorite book is An Imperial Affliction. A book so special & rare you'd rather keep it private. have you ever had that book that was just yours? A book you can get lost in on your own. You don't tell others due to forming your own love for it. Something yours. Something special and private. You don't tell anyone so as to not ruin THAT magic?

Augustus turned around and gave her a book right off of his table. All that he asked is that Hazel just read it. A haunting novelization of his favorite video game: The Price Of Dawn. Their hands muddled together during the trade-off. He noticed her hands were cold from being under-oxygenated. He didn't let go until they reached the stairs. They sat on the couch watching the movie.

After an hour into the movie, Augustus' parents came upstairs serving the enchiladas, which they ate on the couch. After the movie, Hazel had to go home due to class in the AM. Hazel drove his car home w/ Augustus riding shotgun. Hazel kept looking at his leg trying to imagine what is to what was. Piquing her curiosity.  After parking the car, she seen his beauty. After their goodbyes came an invitation to see her again tomorrow. Patience is a virtue coming to those who wait. Augustus would call after finishing her suggested book.

Hazel was up late reading. On a course of late the next day. Her mom could TELL that Hazel was taking a liking to Augustus. Her mom was in celebration OVERDRIVE for Arbor Day. Hazel felt like lounging. Her mom wanted her to do something. It was suggested to hang out w/ friends to do that something. So after Hazel readied herself, her mom drove to her school. Making plans w/ friends during class. After school, Hazel's mom took her to the bookstore. After the bookstore, in which she found the continuation of the book Augustus suggested, she went to the food court. Pretty soon, Hazel met up w/ friends. Next came the ODD catch-ups w/ peers "your own age". They may be your same age numerically, but mentally and maturity says ALOT different. Hazel thought to include them in her details w/ Augustus. Either there was nothing to tell or she didn't want to ruin what could be. Of course, being young you lose sight of words that would/could be sensitive around her peers that might/could take advantage. Creating an awkward silence. Hazel bought a pair of flip-flops just as something within the trip. She was picking out something just to pick it out. NOTHING truly IMPORTANT. Hazel picked up the rest of a trilogy set to the first book she already had. She wanted to pick up the sequel book to begin reading while her "peers" were chatting, but she KNEW it would be rude, so she just watched her friends. She just wanted to get out of there. She feigned tiredness to get away. Hazel was blessed to get 2 hrs to HERSELF ALONE!

Hazel wasn't lying per se. She gave herself a way out from her friends. Making things sound worse than they TRULY were. After excusing herself, she found a bench at a location of the mall she KNEW her friends would NEVER visit, she sat down and began reading. UNABLE to put the book down. Hazel TRULY ENJOYED reading this series. Something she hadn't done since she was a kid. It was exciting. She was nearing the end of the book when she was interrupted by a little girl. The girl was asking about Hazel's oxygen. Hazel put it in a child's version to explain and understand. Then she gave her an example/sample. After that, the little girl and her mother left. Hazel returned to her book.

It HIT Hazel that the occurrence w/ her friends/"social peers" that the awkwardness was NOT a one-time thing. Any attempt to feign it was depressing. Outside of the interruption, Hazel TRULY loved & ENJOYED the SILENCE ALONE!

Throughout the book, An Imperial Affliction, Hazel sees it as one she identifies with. Due to the ending of the book, Hazel wrote to the publisher asking what happens after? Not a response back. When she was re-reading it, she kept wondering/imagining Augustus in the same position as her reading it. She wondered his reactions to the book. She kept her promise afterward, found his number and texted him with her opinions. He re-informed her of a promise to CALL not text. So he did. She was 453 pages in a 641 page book. Withholding an opinion until the book was finished. Then came chitchat about the books. Of course there are wanted hints. NOT A GIVEN CLUE OR HINT! The next morning, Hazel had a poetry class. After her mom picked her up, they drove to the local theater to see a film. When it finished, Hazel had 4 text messages from Augustus. He WANTED to know the mysterious end of this book. She replied when they got home.

When she called, Augustus answered on the 3RD ring. Hazel heard violent SOBBING on the other end of the line. He wanted to meet up w/ her in 20 minutes. When Hazel arrived at his house, he was in the basement w/ a friend, Isaac. They were playing The Price Of Dawn. Tears were streaming from Isaac's face. He COULDN'T take his eyes off his controller. Isaac was in the midst of his emotions after a recent breakup. All Isaac wanted was to cry and put his emotions into a video game. After the  game finished, Augustus pulled out his cigarette. The breakup Isaac was enduring was due to the girl unable to handle Isaac losing his eyesight. (keyword: handle). COMPLETELY UNFAIR & UNACCEPTABLE! Although it was promised, when you're young, you don't ALWAYS understand the promises you make. Isaac had a "fit" letting his emotions out. SMASHING ALL of Augustus' trophies in the process. PAIN NEEDS TO BE FELT & LET OUT. NOT FESTERING! Hazel did not speak to Augustus for a week since that night. Hazel tried to call once, now it was Augustus' turn. He didn't.

Although patiently waiting, Hazel occupied herself. "Life happens when making other plans." - John Lennon. Even though Hazel's phone was singing, thanks to a NO PHONES policy during dinner, it had to wait. After rushing herself through dinner and wanting to escape her parent's conversation of their own Peace Corps. past, Hazel KNEW & seen she had missed a call from Augustus Waters. Taking her phone outside for privacy. His reaction to the book was that he felt that Hazel gave him a gift. A gift of something IMPORTANT. Leading to a discussion about it. Augustus told her of his e-mail to the author. He read to her the response back. Augustus then gave her the corresponding e-mail. Hazel wrote one to him herself. After sending it, Hazel called Augustus back. They were up late discussing the book. Augustus informed her of tidbits from the book he suggested to her. It was part of a trilogy. Leading to a discussion of each other's own first kiss. His. After that, Augustus had to get to bed. 4 Hours later, the author had replied to Augustus. NOTHING was ever sent to Hazel. Augustus re-assured her of the okay, but Hazel still worried.

While Hazel was in class the next day, she received a text from Augustus about a friend who had gotten out of surgery. It was well despite his blindness. Hazel was granted permission from her mom to go see him post-surgery. She was apparently known as "Support Group Hazel". That lead to a discussion of their lives. When she arrived at the hospital, Hazel's friend was still mending and feeling the HURT of a recent breakup. In the midst of a discussion and saying something, meds that were given to him for pain were dozing him out. Hazel went to the gift shop and bought some carnations, hoping they had a STRONG scent. When she returned, his mom was there. Since he was out (of it,) Hazel gave the flowers to his mom and left. The next day, Hazel checked her e-mail.

The very first thing Hazel noticed was a reply from the author. He could never answer her questions unless in person. If she ever finds herself in Amsterdam. After updating her mom of the e-mail, Hazel's mom would LOVE to send her daughter on this trip. Except for one thing: finances. Hazel felt like her family's financial problems were due to her medical needs. She didn't want to take this trip and put them into even more debt. Hazel called Augustus . He suggested The Genie Foundation. Hazel had already used it to go to Disney World/Epcot Center when she was 13. Augustus couldn't believe that his crush did that. But Hazel only heard one word. Instead of being in school, Augustus was being there for a friend. He was doing schoolwork while his friend slept in the hospital. Augustus had to go when he heard the patient's mom coming.

Funky Bones

On a Saturday trip throughout Broad Ripple w/ the family, Augustus called. He was there when they got home, inviting her on a picnic and buying flowers. Since they were there, a chance arose for Augustus to meet Hazel's parents. After fixing herself up quick, Hazel could hear the chatter so she sat and listened through her bedroom door. Even though her dad was trying to be protective of his daughter, Augustus KNEW. When they left, Hazel had NO IDEA what surprise he had in store. As they were gone, Augustus went to his unlit cigarette. He was relentless. NOT TELLING her ANYTHING. Augustus took her to this oversize skeleton sculpture - Funky Bones by a Dutch artist. Augustus' plan was to give Hazel - Amsterdam. He gave her a picture of the Netherlands. He informed her of THE surprise. After talking to those who were in CHARGE of The Genie Foundation, Augustus made Hazel a co-chair/partner to have his wish with. Making this happen for Hazel. His wish had already come TRUE!(w/ her.)

At first, Hazel's mom was skeptical on the idea. After some convincing from her daughter, she began to ready things while Hazel went to rest. Hazel couldn't stop thinking of the moments w/ Augustus at the picnic. Her mind made her give negativity to an ENTIRELY POSITIVE situation. She called/texted a friend for advice. After informing her friend, Kaitlyn, of the situation, obviously Kaitlyn wanted "details". Giving her opinion. Then Hazel pulled out a laptop and looked up Augustus' girlfriend, Caroline Mathers, who had died a year ago prior of brain cancer. All of the pics were prior to a diagnosis. After awhile, Hazel went down for dinner. She couldn't forget what she seen. She lost her appetite. Hazel could NOT figure out why it BOTHERED her while trying to focus on dinner and family. Hazel's mom was NOTICING a change. EXPRESSING & MASKING her anger at the situation. She was fine. Wanting to go read for awhile.

While Hazel's parents argued, she was finding out about Caroline. Reading her tribute pages and such. The words she read made Hazel feel/wonder how she would be expressed after . . . . It scared her into trying to end things. KNOWING where he's been before. Hazel didn't want to put Augustus through it again. He GOT the message. At 4:00A, Hazel FELT an apocalyptic PAIN from behind her head. Hazel's screaming awoke parents, who went into PARENT mode, taking her the hospital. Hazel couldn't stop screaming due to the pain, but Hazel needed quiet. Next thing she knew, Hazel woke up in the ICU. Waking up to identify her surroundings, feeling tired when her parents came in. Everything hurt when she squeezed. Hazel's headache was caused by poor oxygen. Her lungs were swimming in a liter & 1/2 of fluid! of which had already been drained which explains the hurt. ALL of Hazel's pain was due to lack of oxygen and her heart working TOO HARD. After her parents left due to visiting hours, Hazel's nurse fed her some ice chips. Being taken care of. The nurse informed Hazel of a boy, assuming a boyfriend, who has NOT left the waiting room since Hazel got to the hospital. Hazel doesn't want him to see her like this. It was a Family Only rule. She eventually fell asleep. Hazel would get home 6 days later.

After everything was removed/taken out, Hazel changed into her "Go Home Clothes". All was gone except for Hazel's oxygen. Even though she was tired, Hazel's mom offered, w/ Hazel accepting, to go see Augustus. Her dad came back w/ Augustus a few minutes later. Augustus looked dishevelled. BOTH Augustus & Hazel lit up when they seen each other. After in which they were left alone for privacy. He missed her. Hazel was GRATEFUL to Augustus for not seeing her at her worst. Considering what they have both been through, looks/appearance really isn't that important. It really doesn't matter.

Shakespeare

Good news and bad news on the wish granting. Bad news - they couldn't go to Amsterdam until Hazel was better. Good news (in 2 parts): 1. pick up the trip when Hazel was well enough to go. 2. Augustus got a reply from the author that he shared w/ Hazel. "The fault within their stars crossing: Augustus was well, and Hazel was sick." Directed from Shakespeare. After reading the FULL letter of response, Hazel asked her mom if Hazel's doctor would allow international travel?

Bi PAP Machine

A couple of days later, Hazel and her doctors had a Cancer Team meeting to discuss the medical situations. Hazel was feeling better. Sleeping w/ a Bi PAP all night made her lungs feel almost normal. The meds were controlling tumor growth. The problem now is continual fluid accumulation. Where do you go now? Hazel's medicine is worsening her edema. But it would create more problems if DC'd (discontinued). Hazel's cancer was not going away. But a long lifeline has been seen before. For the time being, Hazel's fluid is manageable. With her health, Hazel's candidacy for a TX (transplant) was not good. It hurt her dad to hear that. During the worst of it when Hazel's lungs were searching for air and she was in the ICU, she heard her mom quietly say into her dad's chest whispering how she wouldn't be a mom anymore. That was at a worst when it looked like Hazel was going to die. THAT gutted Hazel pretty badly. She couldn't stop thinking of it during the Cancer Team meeting. They kept things the same w/ more fluid draining. At the end, w/ PROPER care, the doctor OKAY'D Hazel's trip to Amsterdam - if she was willing to take the chance and risks. On the way home, Hazel would NOT be going to Amsterdam unless w/ a SAFE medical agreement.

Augustus called after dinner. After breaking the news to him came the jokes. Augustus accidentally let it slip that he was a virgin. Even within their distance of time and space, Hazel & Augustus were in theirs. After getting off the phone, Hazel's parents settled in for a night of TV, meds & bed. After getting up late the next morning and being UP!, Hazel began crafting an e-mail to the author about why she couldn't come to Amsterdam. She crafted up an e-mail, but didn't send it. She proceeded to call Augustus when he got home from school. Hanging up when she got his voicemail. Hazel thought about all of the inspirational insights Augustus pointed out until he called back. She relays ALL of her sorrows onto him. Different factors that run together. He came over 20 minutes later. After he arrived, he seen Hazel's point. She was then him asking what he seen in her? He made her see past the problem in front of her. They went inside and together they wrote an ad to get rid of the swing set that upset her. Hazel once again pointed out the beauty that Augustus seen that she didn't. After it was done, they were together while Augustus read An Imperial Affliction while Hazel listened. Hazel slowly fell in love right then. An hour later an e-mail came in about the swing set. Before he left came a surprising kiss on the cheek. Hazel went to bed after dinner and no one seen the swing set again.

After Hazel got up the next day, she had an e-mail from the author's representation. Setting out a plan for a trip that Hazel & Augustus would embark. Hazel was granted her trip on her doctor's okay. Done as a COMPLETE surprise! Afterward she informed Augustus. Everything was on the UP! Hazel & Augustus were taking that trip!

The day before leaving for Amsterdam, Hazel returned to the Support Group. Her first return since meeting Augustus. After taking a seat from needing to sit, the elevator opened to reveal Issac and his mom. He had ahold of his mom's hand in his and a cane in the other. Hazel took a seat next to him. Next came Support Group routine. One patient within the group complimented & TRULY admired Hazel as an inspiration. After it was over, she assisted someone to the elevator, whom he left w/ his mom when she arrived. Due to feeling bad for him, Hazel accepted an invitation to come over to his house. Playing video games and having Augustus in common. In discussion, Hazel truthfully didn't want to hurt Augustus any more than he already has been.

When it was time to pack for the trip, they could only pack ONE suitcase. Even though they had a NOON flight, Hazel's mom awoke her at 5:30A, making sure EVERYTHING was PACKED & READY. After some breakfast, Hazel & her mom were READY to leave. During goodbyes to her dad, he began to get emotional. Hazel reminded him of it only being 3 days. Her dad was crying as they left.

After they left, they headed to Augustus' house where they could HEAR an argument between Augustus and his mom. Going back to the car as to NOT eavesdrop, texting him they were there. After abit, he texted back of an apparel dilemma. (What to wear?) Hazel's mom assisted Augustus w/ his bags while Hazel watched from the rear view mirror. Due to his leg, Hazel offered the front seat. Augustus adamantly declined. After arriving at the airport, Hazel felt a small breathing sigh of relief to NOT walk w/ her oxygen through metal security. She felt free w/ no disability if only for a minute. Arriving an hour before the gate/flight time. Augustus stopped for a bite before takeoff. Discussing Hazel's problem w/ eggs later. After not returning 20 minutes later, Hazel imagined all of the worsts. As boarding time FASTLY approached, Augustus rushed toward them returning w/ both his book bag and a McDonald's bag. Super long line.

Augustus assisted Hazel up as they were pre-boarding. Hazel was uncomfortable w/ the staring of those watching. Next was the direction of seating and finding your comfort ability. While Augustus may look fine on the outside, his sickness didn't show. With Hazel having oxygen + more, it was evident. Reason being of why Hazel is a homebody. The stares and glares. Augustus tried to pull out his cigarette, explaining his cigarette theory of its being. He had to put it back. Augustus & Hazel adjoined hands during takeoff. He was nervous due to not ever flying before. With Hazel's mom watching, Hazel tried to comfort Augustus. It was a quick flight. Next came a car taking them to Amsterdam. After the in-flight movie, Hazel, her mom & Augustus all took something to put them to sleep for the rest of the flight. Her mom slept while Hazel & Augustus looked out the window. The pills didn't take effect. They watched 300. Getting comfortable to watch the movie together. Augustus was enjoying the film. Hazel looked at him. After the film finished, Hazel read a long poem:Howl for her poetry class while Augustus re-read An Imperial Affliction. Augustus asked Hazel to read a sample to him. He then confessed that he was in love w/ her/Hazel Grace. Even though she felt joy at hearing that, Hazel couldn't say anything. She couldn't say anything back . . . .all it took was a LOOK!

After dozing off a bit, Hazel awoke to the landing gear coming down. When they left, they were taken off by taxi. Hazel thought Holland looked like Indianapolis, aside from prominent landmarks. From the taxicab came a city tour. They were staying at the Hotel De Filosoof. On the desk in their hotel room stood a wicker basket FULL of gifts from the Genie's representing Holland. While her mom toured the city, Hazel rested in their room w/ the BiPAP. When she awoke a few hours later, Hazel's mom was sitting in a chair reading a guidebook. Instead of touring the city, Hazel's mom sat reading in case a child needs her mom. Hazel's mom would do her share of private touring while Augustus & Hazel had a reserved dinner. Everything was privately set. Her mom sent her 16-yr-old daughter alone w/ a 17-yr-old boy out in a city known for permissiveness. Augustus was prompt in his 6:00P arrival. (NOON back home) After the compliments from all parties, they took a train to their destination. Exploring the city along the way.

After switching trams and 4 more stops, they arrived at a street split by a beautiful canal and beautiful picturesque settings. Next stop was a beautiful restaurant. Champagne compliments of the restaurant. What surrounded them was the city of Holland COMING TO LIFE! The problem is when you're NEW to it, it's a gift. When you're used to it, it's no longer having that magic. With a special dinner came an opportunity for new experiences and unforgettable memories. Nights like these only come periodically (or once) in a lifetime. A night to be remembered. EVERYTHING was perfect. Despite REALITY within . . .Even though Hazel's cancer was terminal, her treatments were in pursuit of life extension. Augustus LIVED w/ uncertainty. He KNEW and began asking his parents for funeral prep. Hazel informed Augustus of their reality. They were on a date and his eyes lit up!

A discussion of each's own belief in the afterlife. Upsetting Hazel in the process. After stating his TRUTH, it made Hazel like him even more. The meal was paid for by Mr. Peter Van Houton. As they were taking in the night, they were anxious of the meeting of the author the next day. It had occur ed to Hazel how much this book TRULY MATTERED to Augustus independently from her. Next came a private canal ride. The situations surroundings made Hazel think of Augustus' ex, Caroline Mathers. Hazel was inquisitive to ask what happened? He gave Hazel a history of his past relationship. Even though Augustus was bettering w/ chemo, Caroline was worsening. When Caroline was able to go home, Augustus thought  they could have a real relationship. She had NO filter to herself which was somewhat hurtful. Even then, Augustus couldn't dump her and do that to her. There were MOMENTS when Caroline wasn't herself. Inappropriately taking her out of herself and her character. The tumor she had may or may not have eaten her brain. Losing herself as she got sicker. Even through the heartache he's been through already, Augustus seen it a privilege in having his heart broken by Hazel Grace Lancaster.

Hazel was up at 4:00A. Any attempts to sleep failed, occupying herself until her mom woke up at 6:00A. TODAY was the OFFICIAL meeting day w/ author Peter Van Houton. Hazel spent 30 minutes debating w/ her mom over wardrobe. As the morning passed, Hazel's nervous were accelerated. When they arrived, Augustus took Hazel by one arm and had her oxygen tank w/ the other. Hazel's heart was pounding. When meeting Mr. Van Houton, he was unsure at first of who they were until being reminded. At first, he was completely dismissing them. Augustus & Hazel could hear it all. After which, they were greeted at the door. They came upon garbage bags full. Full of unopened fan letters. That explained why he never responded to Hazel's. While fixing himself a scotch, he offered one to them. Hazel & Augustus politely refused. After his drink, it became a discussion of the book. More of his drinking continued. He was giving Hazel & Augustus the answers they've come to seek. Mr. Van Houton was becoming VERY RUDE with his answers.

He was looking for the MOST HURTFUL ways of telling his truth. Being obnoxious in the ENTIRETY of this proccess. After EVERYTHING they've been through and coming all this way and hijacking Augustus' wish, Hazel WANTED an answer to her questions. After voices were raising, Augustus HAD TO pull Hazel out of the room. As they were making their way back to the hotel, Hazel started crying. Comforting Hazel by promising to write an ending for her. Making up for what they just experienced. Mr. Van Houton's NOW former assistant was taking them to the Anne Frank House. The former assistant HAD TO get away from him. Augustus was holding and protecting Hazel. They wanted to go. They still had 2 days left in Amsterdam and wasn't letting Mr. Van Houton ruin them.

You can write a GREAT body of work. That doesn't exclude you to just be HUMAN of GRATITUDE! All the former assistant could do was express her sorrow & embarrassment. When they arrived, they were unaware of deep stairs due to Augustus. Hazel had trouble accomplishing them, but made it. In a moment of pure enjoyment, Hazel Grace couldn't help but kiss Augustus Waters. They didn't know it would be in front an audience watching. After noticing, Augustus nervously smiled & bowed as Hazel curtsied. After making their way downstairs, the tour continued. It was wet and rainy when they drove back to the hotel. Standing in the rain for a minute, Augustus seen more of Hazel's beauty. As they were to step out of the elevator to the floor to their room, Augustus barely had his balance. Just out of shape. He was scared & petrified as to how Hazel would see ALL of his physicality. Hazel was assertive at telling him to get over himself. After needing to help him, kissing as they fumbled for the room key. Passionately giving their virginities (or hers) to each other! Due to the day itself and the incidents ensued, Augustus was exhausted after and fell asleep. In which, Hazel wrote him a love letter.

Over coffee the next morning, Hazel & Augustus told her mom of the encounter w/ Peter Van Houton. Afterward they told of the Anne Frank House. After coffee finished, Hazel & Augustus were left alone. They had gone to check out Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs. It occurred to Hazel that she always thought Augustus could leave her because he'd once been sick. Never dawning on her that maybe he still was. He confessed that just before she went into the I.C.U., he began to feel an ache in his hip. That made Hazel panic. He went for a PET scan.

The scan seen that the lining of his chest, his left hip, his liver - EVERYWHERE was covered. He sensed that Hazel's mom knew where he was coming from not to say anything. They both began to break down. Dropping anchor. After awhile, they laid together as he confessed to already beginning chemo. But, he gave it up to go to Amsterdam. That infuriated his parents. Hazel recalls hearing the argument that morning. Augustus felt like he conned Hazel into falling in love w/ a healthy person. He didn't see a battle won. Only lost. There was NO honor in dying of. NO glory in illness. He just wanted to forget it and go on w/ life as "normal" as possible.

On the flight home, Augustus & Hazel ordered champagne. Toasting to each other. Chalking up the champagne experience as a "Cancer Perk".  Augustus seemed to zone out due to chest pain all of a sudden. Hazel went into his backpack digging for pills, taking one w/ the champagne. He sat there waiting for it to take effect. Soon falling asleep. Hazel's dad was awaiting to pick them up from the airport. After getting home, Hazel told her dad what Augustus told her during the trip. He ALREADY KNEW! Her dad read An Imperial Affliction while they were gone. The next day, Hazel drove to Augustus' house, spending the day w/ his parents while he slept napping on the couch. Hazel could see him sleeping w/ a PICC line already in. His treatment consisted of 2 chemo drugs and a protein receptor. Hazel KNEW what meds they were. After awhile, Hazel, Augustus & Issac were there catching up. When she was getting up for a minute, it had HIT & OCCURRED to her that she was perhaps the healthiest out of all 3 of them. Hazel drove while Augustus was shotgun. They went to the store where, by Augustus' instructions, Hazel bought eggs that were later used to vandal Monica's car for doing Issac dirty - completing the mission with SUCCESS!

The next day was a get together dinner w/ Hazel's parents and Augustus' parents. Augustus was admitted to the hospital a week later due to chest pains. Hazel was there the next morning to visit. When she arrived, she came upon Augustus' mom talking on a cellphone. His mom told Hazel was she knew: A tough night. Augustus' heart was working too hard. He needed to scale back on activity. Bound to wheelchairs. New medicine to better his pain. It was previously agreed to be FAMILY ONLY visitors. Hazel couldn't see him. She felt bad due to possibly missing an opportunity. Hazel STAYED hanging out within the waiting area. Keeping herself busy flipping through memories on her phone. 2 Weeks Later, Hazel wheeled Augustus across the art park toward Funky Bones w/ an expensive bottle of champagne and her oxygen tank in his lap. The champagne was donated by one of Augustus' doctors. BEING THERE IN THE MOMENT!

Augustus may NOT have been the boy Hazel seen at Support Group, but he was still there! Even though the sickness was getting him, Augustus still intended to write Hazel that sequel. He told Hazel of what he would've written. After lunch, they strolled to the backyard. He was well enough to push his own wheelchair. They went inside when Augustus needed meds, fed though him w/ a G-Tube. His family was watching video memories of Augustus. He was varsity freshman in basketball. After getting into bed and covered, they just lay together. Eventually they fell asleep that way. Waking up later to play video games. Finally, his dad came in and dragged Augustus back upstairs. Hazel knelt to kiss him goodnight. Going home at the end of the day. Waking up the next day to return again.

A month after getting home, Augustus was sleeping downstairs. Hazel LOUDLY knocked before entering, trying to get his attention. She found him mumbling in his own jibberjabber. He'd pissed the bed. It was awful. Hazel couldn't look. She shouted for his parents. They came down to clean him up while Hazel went upstairs. When she returned, he was waking up from his meds - slowly. Trying to play it a normal day but Augustus was too exhausted. Hazel didn't say anything. She wanted him to forget her presence, hoping he would NOT remember. But he did. To Hazel, it was NO BIG DEAL, even though Augustus was mortified. The thing is - Augustus was sick and truly couldn't help it. He confessed that he thought his obituary would MEAN SOMETHING SPECIAL. Not just another story in the paper. Hazel wanted him to write one for her. He didn't think he would make it to write hers. Hazel was frustrated. She just wanted to be enough for him. He KNEW her frustrations. He GOT what she was saying. Changing the situations before regretful things  were said. See your situations for what they are. You're not going to be everything you wanted.

Hazel woke up to a specialized ringtone to her phone meaning Augustus. At first, she thought something happened. It was him. He was calling from a gas station. SOMETHING WAS WRONG!! It was 2:55A.M. He did something wrong w/ his G-Tube and needed Hazel's help. She was going to call 911. If she did call anyone, he would NEVER forgive her. He needed HELP w/ his medicine. He was sobbing. She was in a mode: I HAVE TO GET THERE! She left a note to her parents and DARTED! Wondering why on the way there. She pulled up next to his car. He was covered in his own vomit holding the site to his G-Tube. It seen that his sight was infected. He puked - letting it out. He was originally there to buy a pack of cigarettes. He lost his original. He felt that he wanted to go do something for himself. Hazel was sorry, but she HAD to dial 911.

Augustus looked at Hazel horribly. The man Hazel fell in love w/ was gone, replaced by the one in front of her. He HATED what the illness has made of him. Being who he was into who he is. He was in tears. He wanted his chance to be someone GREAT! He was someone who refused pity. He was screaming & crying, poisoned by his G-Tube. Hazel was THERE when he NEEDED someone. To keep him alert until ambulance arrival, Hazel recited a poem from memory. She worked on it as the ambulance drove past them. For someone who doesn't write poetry, Augustus liked what Hazel wrote while waiting for the pickup.

hospital bed

Augustus came home from the hospital a few days later, permanently robbed of his ambitions. More medicine for pain removal. He permanently moved upstairs into a hospital bed near the living room window. ALL he could see was his last shred of dignity. Letting herself in the next day due to his parents instructions. Augustus' FAMILY was there. Including Hazel as one of them. After he woke up, the first thing he wanted was for Hazel to take him outside. SPENDING QUALITY TIME w/ Augustus & his family.

Hazel had taken a day off from visiting Augustus due to feeling unwell herself. Just tiredness. He did call her later in the day. She heard the voice that she fell in love with. He asked if she could meet him at a specified church around 8P? Although she had Support Group planned, Hazel went to meet Augustus. She then began to undo her BiPAP. A fight erupted w/ her parents. Reminding them of who she was pre-Augustus. Hazel's dad grabbed her arm. But her cannula was getting unable to be put on - making it harder to breathe. Her dad let her go, connecting her to the machine for oxygen. Although still angry, Hazel could see the guilt in his eyes. After things were finished, Hazel went to her room to write about Augustus. Her parents tried to knock on the door, but she reminded them of her doing something IMPORTANT! It took Hazel FOREVER to find the words of what she wanted to say. But, it wasn't enough. Hazel wasn't happy with it. When it was finished, it was 7:40P. Hazel didn't have time to change. Going in what she had on: cotton pajama pants, flip-flops & Augustus' Butler shirt. They would NOT let it go until she agreed to be home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! It took her the ENTIRE night to calm down about her parents. After arriving, Hazel parked behind Augustus' car. When arriving, ALL Hazel seen was a wheelchair-bound Augustus, who was rail thin. He was facing Hazel from the center of the circle. He complimented her. Isaac was clinging to a little wooden lectern. She sat where he wanted her to sit - next to him. Augustus wanted to attend his funeral. Asking Hazel to speak. During her time to speak, Hazel began to cry during her eulogy.

Augustus Waters had died 8 days later in the I.C.U. when the cancer stopped his heart.  He was with his mom, dad & sisters. Hazel was contacted at 3:30A. She had talked to his dad before going to bed. He advised her of his son's passing and the probability of it being that night. After looking at the caller I.D., it was his mom. After Hazel answered, she fell apart. He was unconscious for a couple of hours before he died. Hazel's parents came in and they KNEW. Falling into each other feeling REALITY hitting too close to home. After informing Issac, all Hazel wanted to do was call Augustus Waters about the death of Augustus Waters. Hazel's parents were THERE for their daughter. After given time to be alone, it was unbearable for Hazel Grace Lancaster. EVERY SECOND WORSE than the LAST. NO AMOUNT of medicine could help Hazel's pain. Her pain was at a FULL 10. Finally, she did call his phone . . . only to get voicemail. Hearing his voice that she fell in love with. Waiting for that feeling, but it never came. NO comfort. Finally, Hazel hung up.

Hazel got out a laptop and went to his page w/ condolences pouring in.  Making Hazel wonder if she would be given or shown the same respected treatment? Who would and what would be said about her? Augustus' funeral was 5 days away - Saturday. Hazel knew these people were GENUINELY sad, but where were they when the worst was poached? After awhile, Hazel returned to her family who was there to comfort her. She began crying again. Her parents were THERE as Hazel broke through an EMOTIONAL floodgate.

When they arrived at the services, Hazel sat in the back of the visitation room watching as people went up to the coffin. Augustus' parents were next to the coffin hugging people as they passed. When they noticed Hazel, smile and move on. Hugging his mom and she held on for a moment. Their son TRULY LOVED Hazel. It felt like being emotionally stabbed when talking to Augustus' parents. While 4 parents talked, his & hers, Hazel disconnected herself from her oxygen, went up to Augustus' casket solo for them to have and share a private moment. Hazel was in charge to say goodbye . . . NOT her lungs. She could see him as she approached his casket. They shared one last moment together. When no one was noticing, Hazel opened the clutch, reached in, pulled out a hard pack of Camel Lights and snuck them into the space between his side and the plush silver lining of the coffin. While talking to him, Hazel's parents arrived bringing her her oxygen tank. What the minister was saying during the services upset Hazel. Her dad grabbed her by the knee, giving her a disappointing look. Next came words from those who "knew" Augustus. Then the minister directed for Hazel to speak. He described Hazel as Augustus' "special friend" which she quickly corrected him as Augustus' girlfriend. She read from the eulogy she'd written.

After the funeral services, one of Augustus' brother's-in-law brought up a boom box playing a song Augustus had picked out. Hazel didn't want to go to the after service. Her parents wanted her to be there for Augustus' parents. She didn't want to do what was coming at the grave site. Bringing too much REALITY to the situation. But Hazel did & more. Her parents thought it was appropriate. Hazel noticed & spoke to Peter Van Houton after it was over. In a wonderment, she wondered how he got there and knew of Augustus' passing? Her parents introduced themselves. He shook their hands. It astounded Hazel. Peter Van Houton flew halfway around the world to attend a funeral. Hazel and her dad gave him a ride. She took a sip from Van Houton's whiskey. Van Houton confessed that he and Augustus had corresponded a bit up until his last ____. Augustus' wrote that Van Houton would be absolved of his behavior in Amsterdam if he attended Augustus' funeral and told Hazel what they wanted to KNOW from his book An Imperial Affliction. So there he was . . . FINALLY telling Hazel what they had WANTED to KNOW! She NO LONGER wanted to know. Mr. Van Houton PROVED himself when they were in Amsterdam. Hazel didn't want to hear what he had to say. Hazel then threw him out of the car to where he silently left. He looked sad, making Hazel feel somewhat bad for him. Going home, Hazel was exhausted.

When Hazel went to brush her teeth, she realized there were 2 kinds of adults in which she gives her thesis on.  Seeing that, she has already seen everything pure & gold in the world. Hazel's dad came and entered the bathroom. He was sorry about Augustus. He seen what attracted his daughter to fall in love with Augustus.

A couple of days later, Hazel drove and went over to Isaac's house where they played video games. Giving the game instructions on what to do. They both didn't like living in a world without Augustus Waters. Leading to a discussion of talking. Augustus TRULY  LOVED Hazel. She inadvertently found out that Augustus had begun writing a sequel to the book for Hazel shortly after returning from Amsterdam. That made Hazel wonder how far Augustus had gotten in writing!? Hazel needed a copy of what's left. She dashed to go get it. When she got in the car and drove, Peter Van Houton was sitting in the backseat. He was still wearing his funeral suit a week later. He was there to apologize and tell Hazel she was TRULY RIGHT in her words to him. Mr. Van Houton would NOT get out the car. He reminded her of a saint that had the same cancer as Augustus, pointing out similarities. He began to break down. He apologized for ruining their trip. It was then that Hazel realized that Mr. Van Houton also had a loss. His 8-yr-old daughter. After talking a bit, Hazel suggested he go home and sober up some.  All of his emotions went into a bottle.

It was the worst kind of air for Hazel when she arrived at Augustus' parents house. Hazel didn' know what to say to them. Next, Augustus' sisters w/ their kids came in. Afterwards, Hazel went to the location of what Augustus had left for her. After searching and surrounding herself in his scent, NOTHING was found - except for that.

Three days later, with thanks to a message left from his dad, Hazel finds out Augustus left her some notebook pages that he had apparently torn out. But, where did he leave them? The next day, Hazel went to pick up Isaac to go to Support Group. When she arrived, Hazel was on a mental search as to where Augustus hid the pages. Wearing herself out at Support Group looking. Isaac began talking about true love during his speech. Hazel remained quiet for the rest of Support Group. After it was over and Hazel had taken Isaac to the car, they had all gone home. When they got home, Hazel's parents wanted her to take it easy. She couldn't. She had worn herself out in her search. Her mom wanted her daughter to eat dinner. Hazel couldn't. Her mom thought her daughter was starving herself in lieu of Augustus' passing. Hazel was pissed off at the world. EVERYTHING came out in a fit of anger. Regrettable things were said. Whether Hazel was alive or not . . . . her mom will ALWAYS be in "mom mode".

Hazel DID NOT want her parents to stop living if she died. Her mom was TRULY researching what to do if . . . .! That TRULY mad Hazel feel better. Her parents would FIND a way of moving on! Considering their options. Hazel's mom wasn't imagining a world without her daughter, she was getting some use out of her experiences. Hazel was crying out of GENUINE HAPPINESS for her mother. After finding it out came a daughter's questionnaire as well as the future of her parents' marriage. Would Hazel's passing be the end of a marriage? Whatever happens will be seen together. Hazel spent the rest of the night trying to keep dinner down.

Thanks to a bad dream, Hazel woke up panicked! After getting help from her mom and becoming OKAY, Hazel took a phone call. During the conversation, the ANSWER of where Augustus had left the pages, for her thanks to a friend, the ANSWER hit her: Mr. Van Houton. Hazel HAD TO get off the phone and CHECK! She reached for her laptop and e-mailed the source. She received a response later that afternoon. Hazel wondered if Augustus had written Van Houton in his last days instead of her? Augustus' sequel being read by Van Houton would clear ALL debts. She tried to busy herself while anxiously awaiting an e-mail back. Her mind kept wondering back to Amsterdam. Seeing others in their relationships. Hazel felt robbed. Realizing what she is/would be missing of a future. Back-drawing on her thoughts, Hazel realized her life expectancy was greater than others.

To celebrate a HISTORIC event in France, Hazel and her family celebrated w/ a picnic in the park. Feeling like REAL summer in Indianapolis. After lunch, the family drove to Crown Hill Cemetery to visit Augustus. Leaving behind a little French flag at the foot of his new grave. Hazel FINALLY heard a response back from her e-mail. It was pointed out that he/Van Houton owed it to his deceased daughter to read Augustus' letter. Hazel clicked and read his response to the letter sent. Informing Hazel of the pain he's been through with the loss of his daughter. Loss is pain. Something they both know ALOT about.




In 2014, a film was based on this remarkable book telling this story of the same title of the love story of Hazel and Augustus w/ Shailene Woodley as Hazel Grace Lancaster and Ansel Elgort as Augustus Waters.









"It's not about the destination or where you're going, it's the journey you take in getting there!"

End Of 2014

I apologize for the lateness for this post. Thank you to EVERYONE who either read, checked out or commented on the posts throughout this year. Some of these posts were fun to write and create, others turned out to be a learning lesson to remember. Either way, proving to be EXTREMELY valuable. Within this next year, 2015, I hope more followers will endure or stumble upon to follow up on. A HUGE thank you to EVERYONE who responds to this blog or even checks it out. I hope you enjoy what will hopefully come in the future.  Thank You . . . .

The Christmas Spurs

This last book for the  year of 2014 is one that, although may be a seasonal "children's chapter book", it also speaks the TRUE MEANING of the Christmas spirit. While TODAY'S generation is all about the "GIMME", this story is one that SHOULD bring life down to REALITY. EVERYONE should have gratitude. It should shine more when a sibling sees an illness in their face. Shining through a holiday season, this book is one for all generations. For anyone who grows up w/ a sick sibling, this book is for you. Giving heart to the season, here is The Christmas Spurs.

With the younger brother, Jimmy, life was different. He was never yelled at and was always granted to do more. The older brother, Nick, asked why? It was due to expecting more out of him, Nick. A new mall was in construction that was coming to their Oklahoma town. A task that seemed really IMPORTANT to the townspeople. A mall similar to The Mall Of America in size. They seen the construction on the way to the Children's Memorial Hospital for Jimmy's appointment. Of course, with 2 boys, sick or not, there is always that tig for tat. One brother getting attention while the other sits in the waiting room. Jimmy was scared and didn't want to let go of Nick's hand. He was terrified and awaited his big brother. Nick was scared as well, but being the older, big brother, you can't show fear. You HAVE to be BRAVE! Nick had to pry his fingers loose from Jimmy. Jimmy went in w/ their mother while Nick waited w/ their daddy. Their dad KNEW this appointment would be awhile. He offered to take Nick to a movie, but Nick refused, wanting to wait on his mom & brother. Jimmy had a DAY of tests at the doctor's office. He often has to go for tests. Even though he got up to go w/ their dad, Nick didn't want to leave his brother. Their dad wanted to do something to occupy the wait time. You could sense that Nick didn't want to do anything without his brother. In a sense that it wasn't fair. If Jimmy can't, I shouldn't get to either. He thought he could tell Jimmy of his sightful findings when they go back after the appointment.

When the appointment finished, it was rush hour traffic again. It was an excruciating ride home. Jimmy was tired and HAD to lay in his brother's lap. He had Band-Aid's on his arms and went to sleep. It was more common for Jimmy to fidget around and more, Today was different. They thought to eat out, but grabbed drive thru instead. Even though she was nervous, their mom didn't eat her food, just played with it. When they got home, Nick could sense by his parents actions that something was going on that he didn't know. Jimmy & Nick went to play outside in the backyard. Nick was trying to get some kind of information out of his unknowing brother. While they were playing, Nick was given details of what happened at the appointment. Being a child, he didn't KNOW what it was he had. He had an MRI. Nick told Jimmy of the day he had w/ their dad. While Jimmy was prepping for them to watch John Wayne in The Cowboys, Nick looked out the window to see their father fussing with the lawnmower. He didn't expect to see what he would commonly see. Their dad sat down right in the middle of the yard and put his face in his hands. Seeing that really scared Nick. Now, he KNEW something TRULY wasn't right or okay. But being the big brother, you can't act on your emotions. Nick DEMANDED answers for what was going on. Since NOBODY would tell him, he sought to find out on his own.

Nick had an unrestful night ahead of him due to Jimmy's tossing/turning all night. It wasn't that, it was something else. He finally managed to settle down. When Nick was sure Jimmy was asleep, he used an old trick of his by creeping out of his bedroom door and right to the one in front of his parent's room. He listened outside the door to see if he could find out anything about Jimmy. Nothing. At the end of the next week, the family went to a different location to get a second opinion. When the appointment finished, their parents took them to food and a movie. After the day was over, their mom couldn't hold her emotions anymore and let them out. Jimmy didn't say much except that he was tired and didn't like being poked w/ needles. Both boys were scared but Nick didn't let his feelings show. At least Jimmy was tired enough to crash out while Nick tried sneaking out information again.

Even though Jimmy was awake when they got home, when it got to be bedtime, Nick tried to read to him. That was when Jimmy quietly confessed what he could hear in the doctor's office. All he knows is that he has to return for treatment. Jimmy didn't think it was fair that he wasn't privy to the information of his own illness. It was time. Both boys went to their parents together who were in the kitchen WANTING ANSWERS. They told their parents what clues lead to the pieces of the puzzle they had. Now, they just wanted that FINAL piece. They just didn't think it was fair if there was an illness, the patient had a RIGHT to KNOW! Family truth around the table. There is medicine involved, but not the kind they think. Having to get treatments for the disease he has. They informed him of what more there would be outside of a pill. Hearing it gave Nick a chill. He tried to hold it, but tears welled up on their dad. Their mom told them the truth. Jimmy has Leukemia.

Of course, Nick has no sleep that night after hearing and processing what he heard. It wasn't what was said, it was the words in which were. That night, Jimmy & NIck left their door peered open to quietly find out more, until their mom made them close it. Nick checked on Jimmy, who frowned at what he heard. He wiped a tear from his eye onto his shoulder. He HAD to be the MOST POSITIVE in front of his brother as he's EVER been! The more Jimmy asked questions, the HARDER Nick had to keep from crying. Somewhere between tears and sniffling (quietly to themselves), they both managed to fall asleep. On days Jimmy would receive treatment, he would be w/ their mom while Nick was w/ their dad. A routine they would get used to! When they went to retrieve mother and son, they tried/had to go back into the treatment area. Only one problem: the ward was closed to everyone but parents. Nick HAD to wait in the waiting room. It began to upset his dad, but Nick ASSURED him it was OKAY! He was big enough to wait solo. It UPSET their dad enough to give the hospital staff a LOOK! Nick was NERVOUS being alone in a clean hospital waiting room. Their mom came out later to inform Nick and their dad they were going home. Jimmy and their mom would stay a bit due to Jimmy being REAL SICK after his treatment. Their dad was put in charge of "home chores". Mom informed Dad of the normalcy within this process. Their dad tried to make/keep life normal for Nick with NO luck. Nick KNEW life is/wouldn't be the same.

Their dad's voice made everything "okay", but his inner voice spoke the TRUTH! His words weren't REAL! Over a 3 month course, Jimmy NEVER got USED to the medicine. Every trip taken was a 3 day hospital stay or more. The medicine was hard on Jimmy. The stays were harder on their mom. After awhile, she took an overnight bag w/ her. When he DID get home, Jimmy WASN'T Jimmy. . . Sometimes, but NOT ALWAYS! He was having the side effects of the treatments. He wanted to be excited but was too tired. He stayed awake while Nick was telling him. It just saddened Jimmy. When he is IN the hospital, Jimmy misses the OUTDOORS. Hospital staff were able to rearrange for treatments to be done so their mom & Jimmy could do it on Sundays. Their dad wouldn't have to miss work. Jimmy was usually home on Saturdays. He could watch cartoons, but hardly felt like it. Since Jimmy's illness, they have AVIDLY attended church every Sunday. While in church, upfront hoping his prayers for his brother to get better were HEARD. When their dad was working and their mom was w/ Jimmy, Nick stayed w/ a friend from school for the duration. He may have been w/ nice people. But NOTHING replaces your family. The week before Christmas break, Nick's teacher asked the class to write a letter to Santa. Some were to be published in  their local paper. Nick wanted a real pair of cowboy spurs and other items. The teacher advised the class to not make a LONG list. After seeing his own list, Nick KNEW what he REALLY wanted. Just one sentence said it all: "I Want My Brother and Mama Back." - Nick Tipton

This was the first time since 2ND grade that Nick TRULY believed in Santa Claus. This Sunday that letters appeared in the paper, Jimmy was taken back to the doctor. It was different this time. Jimmy's leukemia was in remission. It was a CELEBRATORY day. On Christmas Day, the house was FULL of cheer. Of course, there was the onset of kids on Christmas invading their parents. It was an early 7:30A. After a bit, the boys went to check on their parents. When they went to sneak downstairs for a peek, there weren't any presents under the tree. NO PRESENTS, NO VIDEO CAMERA & NO PARENTS! After Nick backed up a few, he instructed Jimmy to get in the same position as he was. Doing the same motions as Nick. Going around w/ NO SIGN of their parents. Their dad was outside, standing at the corner of the house w/ the video camera on his shoulder.

When their dad first caught Nick, he began shooting w/ the camera. Their mom waited until they were all inside before shooting w/ her own camera while their dad shot the video. Standing between the shots was this beautiful pinto horse. The BEST gift they could have gotten.

KNOWING what they would want, their mom was ready for them once they seen the gifts. Their dad set Jimmy up to be rode around the horse first. Nick was so excited he couldn't stop shaking. Then it was a back & forth of taking turns. As kids do, they didn't care how cold/freezing it was. Then it came time to come in and warm up. Their mom let the family dog in after keeping her in the garage away from the horse. As well as gifts left from Santa. Ripping into them as kids do. Aside from clothes, Nick got a real cowboy hat and a double-holster set of six shooters. The cowboy hat was a REAL STETSON. For Jimmy, aside from clothes, he received video games, a pair of spurs, a repeater rifle and a six shooter. All of it was plastic, but fun just the same.

After lunch, the boys were permitted to ride the horse again. They named him Buck. When they had to return inside, they wanted to enjoy their gifts. Jimmy wanted to borrow his brother's spurs to play cowboys by himself. Nick was somewhat fearful that Jimmy would tear up a new gift. After he'd been outside awhile, Jimmy had, but didn't want to come inside. Instead of taking over and arguing w/ his brother over video games, NOT only did he go RIGHT to his room, but was upset. He had broken the spurs being outside. Nick, in a brotherly manner, assured Jimmy it was okay. They went outside to the site to look for the piece that had broken from the spur. Nick TRULY didn't care; but put up a stink to amuse Jimmy. He TRULY felt bad. When it was dark, right before they went to bed, to make up for breaking the spurs, Jimmy gave Nick his STETSON cowboy hat. Nick refused to take it. He threatened to pick and mess at Jimmy if he didn't go away and get some sleep. Then it was time for bed.

Not only was it a moot point for Nick to keep the hat, it came in handy the next April when ALL of Jimmy's hair fell out. His leukemia had "started up again". Jimmy and their parents returned back to appointments twice a month. Just as before, a visit became a stay. Jimmy hated to go. He felt he HAD to put a face on in front of their parents. Sometimes at night, Jimmy would sneak into Nick's room and deeply tell his brother how he FELT! Even though they were both scared, Nick tried not to let on. Jimmy KEPT his STETSON hat on ALL THE TIME to KEEP his head covered in bed. The Monday after Easter, their mom called after Jimmy's appointment. The medicine DIDN'T make Jimmy sick this time. Nick and their dad jumped to go get them. They got word from their mom that Jimmy didn't have to come back for awhile. To celebrate, the family went to a nice restaurant. During coffee, their dad snuck off to make a call. When he returned, he had exciting news to share.


After they hurriedly finished and left, they parked in the lot next to the Cowboy Hall Of Fame. They were ALL given the opportunity to EXPLORE. Their dad spoke to the director of the Hall Of Fame. Their mom was in shock. The family was given a private tour. They were so excited! The tour was guided by someone the boys seen as a hero. It was some day. They were treated like V.V.I.P. (Very Very Important People). It was an UNFORGETTABLE experience they'll ALWAYS REMEMBER! Dubbed as "the neatest/greatest day ever." They had a REAL BUSY day. Jimmy kept taking his hat off/on. He would frown at it, wiggle the brim, turn it around & again, then put it back on. NO ONE KNEW why until that night.

John Wayne

After a day like that, Nick needed a good night's sleep. Jimmy was sitting on the edge of his own bed w/ his hat in his hands. The glow from the night-light shone on Jimmy's baldhead. The next morning, Jimmy awoke early before his brother. His awareness woke-up Nick. He sat down next to his brother. Jimmy flipped through 3 John Wayne taped movies. Nick was getting upset at not seeing the movie. Usually, Jimmy would argue back. This time was different. Jimmy was upset because he felt his hat wasn't any good. It wasn't a REAL hat. It didn't look like the one they seen at the Hall Of Fame. It wasn't all dirty and bent up. The problem was that the ones Jimmy seen were old & worn, his was BRAND-NEW. He had to give it time. Nick took his brother out to GET THE JOB DONE!

Both of the boys did EVERYTHING they could to that hat. Playing w/ it EVERY WHICH WAY possible. After a few weeks with it, the boys managed to get it dirty & smelly. EVERYONE in public KNEW Jimmy used the hat as a cover. Their mom promised that hat was going to be washed. He put up a Hell of an argument. He was CLINGING ON to that hat. Nick sought to explain why Jimmy's attachment to the hat. He forgot what to say. Jimmy was DETERMINED to clean it. Nick seen it was BEST to STAY OUT OF IT! Their mom CHASED AFTER Jimmy until she got the hat. By the time their dad got home, all the action was over.

Jimmy was in his room bowling. Nick was quietly reading his book. Their dad was HAPPY to be home. When he seen their mom, he was informed of what happened. Taking a HAPPY smile off his face. He then went into Jimmy's room. Jimmy was crying under his bed. He came back to the living room w/ a look of What? on his face. Their dad conveyed a meeting in the backyard. Once they were outside, Nick explained the ENTIRE situation. Their dad took the heat and said he would fix the hat. Jimmy was still under his bed. He wouldn't come out for their dad. Their dad pulled him out w/ one leg. With Jimmy under their dad's arm, he pronounced he would go get dinner from KFC. They would return later. While waiting in-line at the drive thru, their dad informed them of their misunderstandings of information. He said he would fix the situation when they got home.

After the KFC dinner, the ENTIRE family pitched in to help make Jimmy's hat look like a REAL cowboy hat. A "from-this-to-that" transformation. A family pitch-in craft project. During the finalization process, their dad had Jimmy put the hat holder contraption they built on the ledge. Giving Jimmy instructions to form its SHAPE. Before long, it would look like a REAL cowboy hat. It took around a month for it to look natural. You never seen such PRIDE as Jimmy did having that hat on. In late May, the family learned Jimmy would have to go back to the doctor's for more treatments. Nick didn't want Jimmy and their mom going back to that schedule of appointments. When Nick went to Sunday school, the class was asked of their favorite Bible lessons. All of the kids gave their opinions. When it was Nick's turn, he couldn't answer. His attention was focused on Jimmy. He was in a different mindset. Nick thought/listened to the miracles the class pointed out. Mentally, he was thinking of the one his own family could TRULY use RIGHT NOW.

Jimmy and their mom couldn't come home for 3 days. He was tired, pale and weak. He asked Nick to put his cowboy hat away for him. Later that night, Nick heard Jimmy in his room. Jimmy's voice was real soft as to not awaken their parents. He stated that if something were to happen to him, he declared that Nick have his cowboy hat. Nick choked on the knot in his throat. He spent the ENTIRE night around his bed. Even though Jimmy slept fine, Nick didn't get ANY! Jimmy's condition had him sleeping ALOT! He couldn't do much more than that. They went to church for counseling. Sometimes for family counseling, sometimes one-on-one. If you have faith, EVERYTHING will be alright. Nick went exploring throughout the church. He sat on the top of the balcony by way of the stairs at the back of the sanctuary. The balcony was at the HIGHEST place of the WHOLE ENTIRE church. By the end of June, Jimmy quit coming into Nick's room at night to talk. He just went to bed. His doctor visits were shorter. He wasn't as scared as he used to be. It was like he didn't care as much anymore. He lost a bunch of weight. It didn't occur to anyone until after a 4TH of July celebration. To everyone's surprise, Jimmy began to feel better.

Jimmy was in a fast-paced mood to play Cowboys. After they changed into their attire, they ran and played outside. What started out fun soon became SERIOUS! One minute Jimmy looked at Nick, the next his arms went limp and he plopped to the ground. His hat fell off when he went down. All of a sudden, Nick's heart jumped into his throat. Jimmy was still & stiff. At first, Nick thought Jimmy was still playing, until he seen his brother. He was so small & fragile. Nick felt real heavy and his heart stopped. Jimmy was NOT moving. Next thing you know, Jimmy was faking out his brother in playing. That got Nick not wanting to play anymore. It TRULY scared him. It brought Nick to a NEW REALITY.

Jimmy got to feeling worse. By the end of July, he was readmitted in the hospital. This time was a stay. The day was August 12. A day Nick will NEVER FORGET. Jimmy was sick and SLEEPING around the clock. Throughout the week, the family, aside from school, was there 24/7. He had a private room where the family stayed w/ him. They slept in shifts so someone was w/ Jimmy all the time. The only time Jimmy was alone was during trips to the cafeteria. When they were alone, Nick was talking to Jimmy who was out of it asleep. Nick would go upclose to Jimmy to see if he was breathing or had a heartbeat. If he DID, Nick smiled and sighed w/ relief and continue. After eating that afternoon and returning to Jimmy's room, a doctor and 2 nurses were JUST exiting from his room. At the doorway to his room, the doctor stopped their mom. He/the doctor tightly hugged her. Nick and their dad raced up because they KNEW it was a HAVE TO GET THERE moment. The doctor sadly told them Jimmy was gone. He had passed away about 10 minutes ago prior.

Their mom was in HORRIBLE grief. She had just lost her son who died alone in his room. She COMPLETELY Fell Apart! Nick tried to comfort his mom. He couldn't continue to see her hurt. After she calmed down, the parents consoled each other. When no one noticed, Nick snuck over to Jimmy and laid his hand on his brother's chest. NOTHING but Silence. Nick clung to him until their dad had to pry him off of Jimmy. Then the family cried together. Jimmy's funeral was 3 days later. During the service, Nick whispered that he loved his brother. Nick KNEW that Jimmy didn't want to be buried without his hat. NONE of the other adults understood, but Nick did.

Nick just felt empty. No hurt, not happy. Just EMPTY! He confessed this to his parents 2 days after the funeral. Time heals ALL wounds. Not feeling better after 2 months. School began on August 22ND. Being busy helps forget your sorrow. Going home was another story. Life is NOT the same. He wasn't so interested in Buck anymore. Their  mom and dad gave him a good home in the country. He did love Buck, but it just brought Nick to feelings of missing Jimmy. In early November, Jimmy's belongings were donated to The Salvation Army. It was a good & hard thing to do. Nick didn't want anything. He did stick Jimmy's hat onto the TOP of the chimney in a safe place and position.

School in the 5TH Grade was harder, but a GREAT distraction. Certain friends were gone and moved. Now Nick's brother and friends were gone. School itself wasn't bad. Nick never got in trouble or anything. The noise from music class reminded Nick of Jimmy's laugh. Due to not participating, Nick was sent to the principal and the counselor. He didn't feel like divulging how he felt, it HIT at the reason why the disruption at home. Nick did homework, played games on Nintendo, except for Jimmy's games. At night, he would think about Jimmy. Certain aspects would bring back memories. Using books from the library were an escape. When he wasn't reading, he tried to think of the Christmas Tree at church. When the minister brought it up, Nick's ears perked. A tree to be decorated w/ handmade stuff. Bringing stuff from home that was homemade. Something very special to share with others. Nick tried to think of something special to share. The Saturday before Christmas Sunday, Nick still didn't have anything for the tree, so he finally gave up.

Since Jimmy's passing, their dad has used work as a vitality to keep him busy. It was work in many locations. Nick being a kid just thinks Daddy works ALOT. Their mom was the same way to keep busy. She went back to teaching. At home, she stayed busy cleaning. Nick realized that NO MATTER how old/young you are; when you lose someone you love, HURT HURTS.  The family was hurting and each coping the best way they KNEW how. After Nick was instructed to give the dog a bath, he got himself prepped and ready. Then of course, comes the dog chase. In the midst of chasing after the dog outside and having to reach in and retrieve him from the doghouse, something gold caught the corner of his eye. It was so close to him yet so far enough away to REACH. In the crack of the doorway and after getting positioned enough to see what it was, it was the little gold star Jimmy had broken off of his brother's spur from last Christmas.

Their dad had been working at the Church. It was for Christmas, but also keeping busy essence. That was main topic of conversation. Nick's parents didn't really talk that much anymore. After he was sure his parents were asleep, Nick carefully snuck out to the backyard. He put his foot upon the stepladder and climbed up. Jimmy's hat, along w/ the Styrofoam hat intact, where Jimmy said it was. It was wedged in the crack of the doorway of the dog's house. He was so happy he found it. Conversing w/ Jimmy's spirit, Nick spoke of things and moments they have had and shared. He gave an update on what changed from them. He found and fixed the broken spur. It was good as new. He stood on-top of the ladder for a long time. He looked at the hat w/ different eyes. Nick placed the fixed spur in a safe place and position next to Jimmy's hat. The way light rays caught the tip of the little gold star on the spurs shined. It was all quiet. Just Nick, Jimmy's hat and, the Spurs. For some reason, Nick didn't feel so alone & empty. The spurs were going to be a SECRET between brothers. Just between them.

In Church the next day, Sunday, their dad and other volunteers helped work on the new Sunday school rooms. That was why Nick's dad was out/gone so late the other night. It was an HONORABLE mention for the ENTIRE church. He mentioned projects that will happen in the future. After noticing the accurately discussed remodels, it brought Nick back to that emptiness he felt when Jimmy died. The changes in the church made Nick miss what used to be. Due to the changes, Nick felt that God had left him now. First - his best friend's move, Second - Jimmy died and "left". Now, God has left him. Nick was left w/ an EMPTY SADNESS that made him shiver. He felt like he had NOTHING left. For the FIRST time, Nick FELT ALONE!

Nick couldn't help but bury his face in his hands and cry. He had to stop due to commentary from others. When it came time to sing, he took a deep breath and let the music out. Then it happened. The bass note of the organ stuck and created a worse scene with the conductor. Trying to fix it, she made it worse! The entire room/atmosphere was hearing this LOUD noise. Next thing, a cold wind blew in. Things were in disarray as everyone tried to block it. As the deacons tried to close the window site, the LOUD noise grew LOUDER. Windows and walls were shaking. The conductor had to finally unplug the organ. A hush fell over the ENTIRE congregation. The LOUD noises STOPPED. Everything did. Everyone was at a stand still due to being scared it would happen again. There was NOTHING but STILLNESS. Finally, the Reverend let go of the tree.

When the windows closed, everything calmed down. Everyone tried/got their bearings back. The minister re-assessed the tree. He cocked his head to the side, studying the ONLY thing in that church that was STILL moving. One of the tree limbs waved up and down, apparently pushed by some unseen wind. A bottom limb by the FAR side of the tree. The minister walked around for a closer look. He frowned curiously at the ornament on the tip of the bouncing branch. The ornament was a pair of toy cowboy spurs just wigging and swaying. Next thing you know, a sound of tiny bells jingling erupted like the one similarly just like . . . . Jimmy's laugh. It gave Nick chills to his heart. An excited feeling that took his breath away. His heart stopped. Similar to when Jimmy would hug him. Only this time, he hugged Nick's heart. It gave Nick shivers. A tear fell from his eye and he instantly heard himself laugh. The first time he has laughed in a LONG time. While the church was quiet, Nick was giggling. After he was caught, he got quiet. He was laughing on the inside. On the way home, he told his parents why he was laughing. It was something good.

Nick just never said what. He never told them about the backyard and the chimney. Even through the strong winds, when Nick got home, he found the Styrofoam head, but Jimmy's hat was gone. It made him think of the lesson his Sunday school teacher taught about miracles. After he got home, Nick secretly KNEW Jimmy was safe on Christmas Sunday. Jimmy had his hat. When they were in church, if he promised to keep quiet, Nick wanted to sit in the balcony by himself. Thing is: he wasn't. He/Nick had Jimmy.